Very Insecure, Sad and Stuck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Very Insecure, Sad and Stuck
11
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 4:38pm
Hello, ladies. It feels kinda refreshing, surrounded by so much good will and positive support amidst depression. I'm an emotional hurricane inside and need to let it out.

I feel like mess. I have felt like this for a few months now, I cry so often, my emotions fluctuate incredibly with ups and downs. At this point, I find day to day living very difficult, and although I don't think I could actually take my life, I am often wishing I could just disappear off the earth. It's so hard for me to be alive right now. I sometimes have moments of feeling good about myself, but a lot of times I feel so worthless, incompetent, like I'm a big inconvenience.... Although I have never been clinically diagnosed ($$ is tight), I can only conclude that the intense self-deprecating feelings I've had for a few months can only be depression. I've been through a lot of very hard times during the last few years, especially 2003, and I think the intensity of life challenges, bad choices, learning hard lessons, etc has had me just absolutely emotionally exhausted.

I've battled a lifelong shyness, but through my adult life I've tried to change that directly: I've constantly put myself into situations with people, become involved in the theatre for the last 2 years, etc, and have made substantial improvement...but the big thing is my sense of self worth, my self-esteem. It's LOW LOW LOW. I'm very intelligent, extremely creative, very in tune with myself spiritually, in good shape and happy with my appearance, have people who love me, a great cat, a roof over my head, food in my fridge, many artistic talents....but I have a big problem with believing in myself, having faith in myself, eliminating insecurities that hold me back from things (like pursuing a goal or expanding upon a creative idea or being more comfy in the presence of people). How do I become more self assured? I think little self confidence a BIG factor in my horrid feelings about my life. It's weird: I DO feel a certain love for and confidence in myself, but sometimes I don't. Is this normal? Do many people fluctuate like this? If not, how do I attain consistent confidence about myself? I've heard it said that you can't love others until you love yourself: could you genuinely love someone, have love for yourself but also have insecurities? I need help! I've got to change negative thinking that keeps me feeling horrible, holds be back from enjoying my life, doing things I want to do, and stop short-changing myself. But I don't know how. I am physically active, meditate regularly, have been in a creative slump but am trying to get back to creating, have few friends where I live now...I tried an antidepressant for a month, but I hate taking pills, so that's out of the question. I want to figure this out. Any ideas how I can heal, gain greater self confidence? I appreciate help so very very much. Whether or not you have advice, thanks for reading my ramblings. It feels good to release.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 11:39am





Marissa-


My mom used to live in Vermont too!

Nadine - deenie1979

jesussig.jpg image by nadine1979

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