ok, look here it is *triggers* (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
ok, look here it is *triggers* (m)
5
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 1:38am
I wouldn't know any of you if u have only been here a year. I was here like 3 years ago. The board then was a lot different. Not only with the people there but how we ran it. It worked really well for a while but we had a few with mpd and that was hard sometimes. The board as we knew it fell apart. We had people taht would intentionally come to the board and post stuff that was known to trigger us. No matter how many times we would have the posts removed, they were right back. I resigned my postition as CL, I eventually quit posting, then just quit coming here all together. I was on Celexa and valium back then. I walked around like a zombie most of the time. I was dianosed with major depressive disorder as well as borderline disassociative disorder. I was also diagnosed with a rage disorder(which is why I was on valium) and I also took trazadone to sleep. I moved from that area....quit seeing my pdoc and my meds soon ran out. For a while now I have been fine. Barely dealing but I wasn't suicidal. Ive since had a child, with through the post partem stuff, I thought I was doing great. About 2 months ago is when it started to hit again. Ive lost my first daughter due to a past drug problem, she now lives with her father. I also have lost everything else dear to me. well I finally started getting my life back together but I think I did too much at once. I moved to a new location, started school, I have had the hardest problem finding a job, and I try to keep my head on straight. That hasn't worked. I started dating a guy that is such a sweetheart but sometimes a real dick(like most men) but I don't think he understands. Not only that, I am 9 wks pregnant and that scares the hell outta me. I don't know how to face it. I have actually planned out how I was gonna kill myself after I had the baby. When I started doing that then I knew I was depressed. I ahven't really said anything to my OB GYN, and I won't. Ive seen how that turns out. Ima have to wait till I have the baby, but I need a lot of support cause Im not sure im gonna make it that long. When Im driving I find myself praying that i will wreck or stop breathing or something, I just want to be rid of this pain that i feel.

Im rambling now...but I think i'll be here some, Im looking forward to getting to know all of you

Love all

**maddie**

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 9:12am

Welcome Back

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 12:18pm
Hi Maddie,

Welcome back and I'm glad you are here. You are going through a lot right now and it would be hard for any one even if they weren't depressed. You definitely need to find some support and I think the board is a great place to start. My other suggestion would be to find a Crisis Pregnancy Center in your area. When I found out I was pregnant three years ago, that is what I did. They can give you advice, support, help you with clothes and ultrasounds and nutrition. They may also be able to help you find some counseling just so you can have some one to talk to. I know that helps me. If you don't have a job, I assume you don't have health insurance so I'm sure they would have resources on getting some help with that as well.

I know it's hard to talk to your OBGYN, but like Caly said when you are pregnant the doctors are extremely understanding of what is going on. It's hard to feel comfortable sharing, but just try not to worry about what she thinks and worry more about what is important for you and the baby.

As far as the wanting to crash or stop breathing, it's understandable that you feel that way sometimes. I think a lot of us here do too at one time or another. It's part of the depression and is very hard to deal with. Just keep coming back and sharing with us and we will be here to listen.

Please let us know how you are.

Lots of hugs,

Piruli

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 12:49pm
You know as bad as I have wanted to I haven't said anything to my OB. I don't know how things work where u guys are from but I used to work in a pregnacy crisis center and we even advised the girls to never tell their DRs if they were depressed while they were pregnant. I watched a dear friend of mine tell her DR that she was going through post partem depression and he called the Department of Children and families on her. She lost her child for a while and they forced her to take meds and she missed out on the most important part of her girls life. The DRs here aren't cool. If theres a sign of depression and there is a child involved then the DR has to call DCF immediatly per state law. I don't know about u, but I am not willing to lose another child cause I can't get a grip on reality. There has to be another way. If not then.............
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 2:52pm
Can I ask where Here is?

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 4:24pm
Maddie,

It's really bizarre to read about what happened before on the board. That's crazy! What kind of sick person harasses people who are reaching out for help. It's so hard for me to understand nasty, crazy people.

When you say "MPD" do you mean multiple personality disorder? That would be a very confusing, crazy thing. This is definitely not a forum for someone with that kind of disorder.

I know what you are talking about when you way that you want to pain to stop. I tried to endure that pain one minute at a time for years. I often plotted my own death, feeling that I couldn't go on another day with the excruciating pain.

I finally went on Paxil, which helped some after two months. After a year, I had a car accident, which left me in physical pain. I fought the depression as I lay in bed for months. Then I had something emotionally worse happen to me. That was the closest that I ever came. I actually started to slit my wrists that time. The pain of cutting stopped me.

I got myself in therapy as fast as I could. I knew that if I didn't get something to change, I'd be dead very soon.

Luckily, my therapist was extremely helpful, using Cognitive Behavior Therapy. That was a little over a year ago.

I still get down sometimes. I even have suicidal thoughts occassionally. But I'm much better than I was. I mean, before, I couldn't function. I could barely breathe, the pain was so excruciating.

Borderline Personality Disorder is very intense. Some therapists really do not know how to deal with it or help people suffering from it. I recently went to a lecture from an expert in the field. She talked about how much progress people with borderline can make with the right kind of therapy. I was just looking for my notes from her lecture, but I couldn't find them. I'll find them and get you the title of her book. She has step-by-step help for borderlines. You can read her book AND give it to your therapist. She's an expert in the field.

I was wondering if you really want to have this baby. Have you considered terminating the pregnancy? It sounds like the pressure and stress of pregnancy and hormones might be making you feel much worse. I've known many women who have had abortions. I've always been very pro-choice myself. Personally, I feel that I don't want to pass my and my family's unbalanced brain chemistry on to another generation. You may be against it, but I thought I'd bring up the option.

I'm glad that you relate to the new board. It's hard to imagine how it used to be. It's so wonderful now. We are honest about our pain, but kind to each other. We had one woman show up about 8 months ago who was really preachy and lecturing to someone on the board who has Borderline. We all jumped on the lady for her lack of sensitivity and she went away. That's not what this place is about.

All My Best,

MariaC