Updating on my chaos a.k.a. life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Updating on my chaos a.k.a. life...
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 12:40pm
Hi,

I thought I would just share a bit about what is going on in my world. I took a leave of absence from my job - I just couldn't do it any more. I'm trying to look at it as a positive thing and a time for me to do some "life work" which is very important. My husband and I went to the INS interview on Thursday and it did not seem to go well. It was completely humiliating because they pry into your life and pass judgement on everything. The laws are written so that it does not matter that we have a child together. The things they want to see are that we share money and a house - which we do, but we have been separated for two months, which was not good in their eyes. The unbelievable part is that they did not give us an answer! Usually they say yes you are now a permanant resident or no you are going to be deported and this lady told us that she would have to talk to her supervisor and send us something in the mail. It's like the stress never ends! Now my husband says he is waiting for one month and then he will leave and that is it! Whatever, he says crap like that all the time. I'm trying really hard to leave it to God, but I just can't seem to get my faith back. I just worry for Liam because he loves his Daddy and it would break my heart if he left and they couldn't see each other. And it is also hard on me because that leaves all the responsibility to raise this child on me and I'm having a hard time as it is.

I got my blood tests back and they were normal as always. But I am extremely fatigued and weak and just shaking constantly. I have aches and pains throughout my body, am completely distracted and confused all the time and went to a doctor on Friday and when he saw me he freaked out and wanted to give me panic attack medicine. I gave him a number! I told him no, that I take plenty of that stuff and that is not the problem and that I need him to help me. After talking for a while he decided to check my cortisol levels which is the hormone that has to do with stress. Maybe I'm not physically sick at all and it is all in my head, but all I know is that I can not feel like this any more. I can't function and sometimes can barely even walk. Sometimes I am really considering checking myself into a mental hospital.

I'm still dealing with this bipolar II diagnosis from the pdoc. I can't wait to go back on 2/10 and talk to her more about this because I want to know where she deduced that that is my problem. From spending three thirty minute sessions with me? She never did any tests or anything she just asked like three questions and told me I had a mood disorder. Maybe she has a mood disorder! My therapist told me she doesn't see it either.

Anyway, I'm doing somewhat OK today, but yesterday I was ready to give up and was planning my death. So basically I'm a yo-yo like a lot the other ladies are saying. I go from doing okay to completely depressed. I just pray that everything will be OK.

As always, thanks for listening and just being there.

Piruli