downward spiral

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
downward spiral
2
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 1:16pm
First let me say hello to everyone, I am sorry I dont get to post or reply to others as often as I would like, I have been sort of in a shell lately. I have been in a funk since before Christmas I just can't seem to shake off. I am having major financial problems, it is so frustrating and getting worse. I am going to have my car repossessed soon if I don't figure something out. Between my boyfriend and I we have a decent income, I just got behind and things got way out of control. Last month I paid the rent 3 weeks late and we were threatened with eviction. So we absolutely have to pay the rent today, which I have enough for, but then not enough to make even 1 month car payment. I have a good job, actually I have 2 jobs, I am a medical transcriptionist and work from home. I make good money, my main full time job is for a hospital and I make a good hourly rate. However, in November, my employer got notice for a wage attachment on me for an old credit card bill. So, now they take 100 dollars every 2 weeks out of my pay which will go on for a year (until this coming November). I work part time for a national transcription company and I am paid by production. I have the opportunity to make as much money as possible, work as much as I want, the problem is that I have no motivation and just feel paralyzed by my depression for teh last month or so. I have been slacking off badly with both jobs, barely doing enough to get by. I know I should be working hard to get the money crap straightened out, instead I just sit here feeling sorry for myself . I know it is also not helping I had the flu the last couple of days, also I am having a hysterectomy probably later this month, and I do not feel well most of the time, I have a lot of pelvic pain and am anemic which makes me very tired. I just want to stay in bed or sit in front of the TV all day. I am terrified to answer the phone and the car people keep calling and I dont' know what to tell them. and I am so angry at myself because I just feel like I brought it all on myself, if I would just work more I could get things straight. I don't know, I just needed to vent, thanks anyone who is reading, I am just so frustrated. I have also been having problems with my 15 y/o daughter and that adds to the mix. I don't have anyone I can borrow money from even temporarily, my parents are gone and I don't have any family to speak of, and ken's (my boyfriend), parents don't have any money to speak of, I am too humiliated to ask friends, I feel like such a loser at 37 years old I should not be in this position. Also playing a part I know is that I have been working 7 days a week for a year and a half, and it gets to me sometimes. I just want to run away from everything!!! I know there is really no answer to all of this, maybe just putting this all down in words will help me snap out of it. Thank you all , any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Best wishes,

Wendy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: ciemom
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 1:53pm

((((((((Wendy)))))))), let me tell

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
In reply to: ciemom
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 6:42pm
Thanks, Barbara, for the supportive and comforting words!! Yes, transcription can be stressful, I often think even my family doesnt really get how tough it can be, and that I get really mentally exhausted sometimes!

Yes, I am currently on meds - I have been on antidepressants for about 14 years. My depression started in my early 20s when my DD was a baby, I believe I always had the predisposition of a depressive personality, but at that time in my life I had many major stressful events, a month after my daughter was born my then- FIL passed away very suddenly, a month after that my grandfather passed away also very suddenly. I was having marriage problems, financial problems, also had a 3 year old, and one day it seems, it all just "snapped"! It took months and seeing several different doctors to finally diagnose me with clinical depression and anxiety disorder and once I got on the right meds I was so relieved! I started out at that time with Prozac, which worked well for years, have had a couple of changes since then, and am now taking Effexor XR and Xanax which keeps me on an "even keel" most of the time. I am not currently in therapy, though I really should be. I have seen therapists at various times over the years, I just have not found one that I really "clicked with", so never continued for very long. I am going to make some calls hopefully this week to therapists in my area and see what I can find out, I really think it would help at this point. I am feeling a bit better today, my boyfriend is wonderful but sometimes doesn't get that all I really need is a hug!!

Good thoughts to everyone - weather report says tomorrow the sun will shine!! yea!!!!

Wendy