Back home, tired and confused
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| Tue, 02-03-2004 - 1:05am |
And today, as I wrote, I've stayed in my bedroom almost the entire day, not sleeping (well, I did sleep for 12 hours!), but not doing anything productive either...surfing the web, eating, etc. I thought about going out several times, but I couldn't think of anything that *had* to be done, so I ended up deciding there was nowhere in particular I wanted to go. I know that it would probably have been better for me to force myself to go out somewhere, even to a bookstore, just to get out...but I guess I let myself have this day to recuperate a little from my trip (I realized that I do still have fibromyalgia, as my muscles are aching now from the cold and stress...but fortunately not horrible pain. I know that fibro doesn't just "go away," but I guess I was hoping it had in my case).
I didn't even exercise today...and am disgusted by the way my body looks after a few days of going out to eat for almost every meal...although I am really too tired, and too preoccupied with med school decisions, to care too much. I want to start exercising, but I know that doing too much recently made me completely exhausted...so I am trying to figure out how to start small without giving in to the compulsion to do too much.
It feels so strange to me now not to have anything scheduled, any flights to catch or interviews to prepare for. I do have a scholarship essay I need to write, but that's not on a strict timetable. Having all this free time is not really my choice...I want to work (I really need the money, for one thing), and I called the temp agency and asked if there were any openings...but they didn't have any jobs open today.
And I guess I do need to get busy doing SOMETHING, because I have spent most of this time either sleeping or ruminating, questioning everything in my life: my plans for the future (do I really want to be a doctor, or am I doing it to meet society's standards?), my physical ability to do med school (even interviewing exhausted me, although that is also a pretty stressful experience), even my past relationships. I have so much guilt about those, as I've mentioned before...and someone on another board asked if I might be homosexual...so now that has me wondering. Just another example of my double standards: I am very accepting of other people who are homosexual, but I have always thought that I would rather kill myself than accept an identity as a gay person, mainly because of the repercussions that that identity would have in society, and on my parents.
And emotionally, I am torn between completely denying my emotions and putting on an act (and then, when I'm alone, I don't even know WHAT I really feel) or experiencing the wild highs and especially lows that I have not so long ago. The issue of whether or not I am bipolar has seemed to become less important recently, since I have seemed to be doing very well in managing med school interviews and rigidly keeping my emotions in a very limited range. But I worry about the consequences of muting my emotions...and the possibility that I could have some kind of "breakdown" when my efforts to deny my emotions finally fail.
It's strange, I realize that there seems to be a theme to many of my "issues": my desire to conform to society's standards (and to my own, even stricter, standards) versus what might be my "true" self. I'm not sure if this makes sense. But I wonder what I would be like if I didn't care what other people thought of me...maybe I would be a plump, possibly bipolar, photographer who travels the world and might even be homosexual, as opposed to a thin (in other people's opinions, not my own), emotionally restrained pre-med student who has dated guys but feels tremendous guilt about my past relationships. I guess it's all a matter of inhibitions, of which I have many.
Oh well, I know this post may not lend itself to easy replies...and I understand if no one wants to post back to me, especially since I haven't been around lately to give support to others...but as always, I would really appreciate any insight or advice or support you could share. I think my behavior is falling back into the category of a typically "depressed" way of living, but I don't even feel the depression per se...I hardly feel anything, just confusion and exhaustion.
Thanks for listening,
Rose

((((((((Rose)))))))), welcome back.
I just wanted to send you some hugs!
Take care
Pamela
Just wanted to say how nice it was to have you in Chat today hun!
sending lots and lots of caring your way! ((((((((((((((((((ROSE))))))))))))))))))
*hugs
*hugs
Your suggestion about yoga is a good idea...I tried to go to a class called "Therapeutic Yoga" before (I was the youngest one there by several decades, but that was fine with me!), but that was over the summer, when I was in so much pain, and even that easy yoga was too much for me. I would try that again, but I can't afford a class...I could buy a tape, though. I do have a Pilates tape, and I have done that once this week...it also seems like a good re-introduction to exercise.
Today, though, I thought I was being kind to myself by doing only light weights and 15 minutes of low-intensity exercise on a stationary bike...but later my legs started aching so much I had to take pain medication...so it's just hard to know what's too much...I do want to be "fit" and slim...and it's especially difficult to see people my age talk about doing marathons, etc. and not compare myself to them. But I know I have to try not to.
After thinking about it more today, I do think that I am heterosexual...but I posted an introductory message on the board you mentioned just to look into the possibility further. Thanks for giving me the link. One other thing related to that, I think it would be somewhat strange for me to be homosexual when I have an identical twin who is clearly heterosexual...if orientation is largely genetic, as many people suggest. Still, I suppose it could happen...I am thinking that I am straight, though.
Thanks again so much for your support...I hope that I can one day give as much back to the message board as you all have given to me...although that would be a tall order! I really appreciate it, though, more than I can express,
Rose
Rose
Hugs from me too,
Rose