I think I wanna die now....(m) *trigger*

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
I think I wanna die now....(m) *trigger*
8
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 12:15am
Im so lost, I have nothing or no one that knows how I feel right now. I feel like I am so alone. I am in a crowded room yelling at the top of my lungs and no one seems to glance to see what is the problem. Ive come to the conclusion. Im a worthless piece of chit and I might as well end this now for fear that I don't want my daughter to see me in this pain. I would rather her remember me happy. Im going to terminate the pregnancy. I came to that conclusion also. I haven't been able to stop crying. Thats all I do anymore. Im so depressed that I don't wanna eat and when I do I overeat. I know I have no control over how he feels and he told me taht he loved me but I can't handle him being an but-hole like this anymore. I feel like im a burden, like he doesn't want me around. I think this is part of the reason I have gotten so depressed. I don't know. I know this was coming on a long time ago but I was scared to look at the signs. If I could only get a grip on reality then I think i would be ok. None of the thoughts that are running through my head are making sense at this point. Im trying to put this into words as fast as its coming out but I don't think that I am doing such a good job. I don't know wahts wrong with me anymore. I started having my nightmares again. I haven't had one in so long. Most of them are the same thing over and over, other nights its different. I try to hide it, like it doesn't bother me, but I am getting more and more tired to the point that I just wanna sleep all day. If I could just get his face out of my head. I can't handle it anymore. It happened more than 10 years ago, I thought that I would be over it by now. now I feel like ive burdened you guys. Im so sorry


maddie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 8:33am
hey maddie, please, please, listen,I`m standing in the crowed room and I hear you. everything I read in your post sounds just like I did at one time. The crying, the nitemares, the feelings your haveing, everything. May I ask if you have seen a doctor? even a family doctor, or an obgyn, they can send you to someone who can help you. If you tell them what you feel, (how you really feel) They will help you.

I found out through my doctors, and research, that I have and most people have a chemical imballance in our brain. We don`t produce enough of a certain chemical to help us feel normal, and ok, and to be able to handle bad, good, situations.

The way you are feeling is normal, for some people you just need someone to listen and to help. If I may ask how old is your daughter? if she is young this could be a combination of postpartum depression and just depression.

There is NO burden here, I am willing to listen if you want to talk, and I`m sure there are others here that will also, but please go see a doctor, (REALLLLLLLLY SOON) THEY will HELP JUST TELL THEM WHAT YOU FEEL.

Please email if you want to talk or just have a question I`ll try to help anyway I can. mariah

Email addy: tagamag789@iwon.com

Mariah
Tagalong-Greyhound
Cooper-

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 8:50am
((((((Maddie))))))

Sweetie I hear you. I hear you crying out for help because you are in so much pain. Please don't do anything that you will regret. You don't realize just how important you are to so many people. My friend Ashley died from suicide, and he would have been so surprised at how many people loved him and wished that they would have known so that they could have helped.

Sweetie, I don't know your story. If you have posted it here, I must have missed it. You are pregnant and you have a daughter? Your sweet little daughter needs you sweetie. Every little girl needs her mother.

Please find someone to talk to. A therapist is a great advantage as they can help you work on what you are feeling and why.

Do you take any meds? Oh, I guess if you are pregnant you probably aren't. Sorry I am a bit confused.

Sweetie, you are NOT A BURDEN. I am so happy you felt that you could post here.

Please feel free to email me at serenitycouragewisdom@hotmail.com. I will be here to listen and/or help you in ANYWAY I CAN.

Please take care of yourself and DO NOT HESITATE TO EMAIL ME.

I am thinking of you and sending you many hugs.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 12:06pm
((((((((((Maddie))))))))))) First and most important you are not burdening anyone here. We are hear to listen, to give a shoulder, to cry on, to hug and to care. I hear you loud and clear in that room yelling at the top of your lungs. You are in pain and that is coming through loud and clear. Talk to your family doctor they can help refer you to a proffessional that can help you even more. Also if money or lack of insurance is a problem alot of agencies have what is known as a sliding fee scale based on your income. Also there are some drug companies that offer medication for free. I only pay a dollar a session and I get my meds for free and believe me that helps. It can be very hard living the way your living feeling like a burden and feeling like no one hears you but I am begging you to reconsider ending your life. I have been there and survived and believe me that even though it doesn't feel like it at the time it does get better and remember behind every cloud is a rainbow waiting to come out. Think of your daughter and how it will be for her growing up without mom and always questioning herself. I am sure you don't want that for her. Please check back with us and let us listen and try to help or just let you cry on our shoulders and please don't hesitate to email me anytime. Just so you know that I don't have my own pc at home but I do try to get to the library everyday. I will answer I promise. Just put its me Maddie in the subject line the first time you write. Stay safe and keep in touch. ILOVEMOVIES21@aol.com

Love and Hugs Andrea
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 12:41pm
Thank you all so much for your support. It really means a lot to me
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2002
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 10:36pm
Hello Maddie,

I haven't posted here in a long time but I lurk occasionally and your post really touched my heart...

I have been through some very hard times myself--like most everyone here and I have also gotten through them enough to go on to college well into adulthood and gotten two degrees in social work. While I am not yet a licensed therapist, I hope to be in the near future!

It sounds like you have a pretty severe case of depression and depression CAN be SUCCESSFULLY TREATED!! You mention you have felt some depressive symptoms before. It sounds like your pregnancy may have further triggered some sort of chemical imbalance--although of course, we cannot know for sure until you've been professionally diagnosed!

Maddie, that baby growing within you is a precious gift... I do not know your history or what else has led you to this very personal decision to terminate your pregnancy but I CAN tell you that more than all the degrees in the world, I wish I had a child and so I URGE you PLEASE do not make any reckless decisions now without seeking support and professional treatment! Again, I realize it's a very personal decision but most therapists advise against making life altering decisions when you are very depressed and so I wonder if perhaps your decision might be different if you were feeling better?

Is the child's father with you? How is that relationship? Do you have any friends or family you could turn to that might be supportive? Have you tried any therapists, hotlines, mental health agencies or clergy? I know from experience that if you reach out enough, SOMEONE will hear your pain and help you.

Please be gentle with yourself and post again whenever you feel the need. Hugs, Lori
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:53am
Maddie, I hear and see you. You are standing right beside me in that big room full of people. You are so not alone. I have just joined this group abotu 10 minutes ago, but I feel your pain. I just started reading through the board and your post brought instant tears to my eyes. Please consider what you are doing. I am one to say that I never thought i would be a good enough mother to have children. But honey, those little babise change your world. Please please please consider before terminating your pregnancy. Give that tiny life a chance. If you can't do it after she is born then you still have options. Give your baby a chance to live. If you would like email me at Tazmome@aol.com. Also read my post. I understand what is like to feel helpless and then a baby changed it all for me. Big hugs coming your way Maddie.

Erin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 6:56am

Hi Maddie,


The board has been so busy lately that Im not sure if I had a chance to welcome you to the board yet... so if not then im doing it now hehehe Welcome

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 2:05pm

(((((((Maddie))))))), I'm glad you're here!

AcornLeaves