Thanks CALY and all my other friends!!!
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| Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:42pm |
I'm sorry I haven't been around much the last few days. It's been VERY difficult for me. I wrote a long response last night, but for some reason, it didn't post. What a pain.
Caly, I appreciate your special attention. Your kindness and support mean so much. Thanks also to
everyone who responded to my previous post, VogueGirl, Erin, Trac, Pamela, and everyone else. The thing with my friend was made much worse by news of my ex, the guy I was so in love with who broke my heart. Now his new (virgin, 20-year old Columbian) wife is pregnant. Well, clearly, she's not a virgin anymore. But it's been ripping me up that he has created so much with her and kept his promises to her, when he couldn't keep one promise to me. It feels so personal. If they had gotten divorced, it woud have validated that it was HIM. But now it feels so painful and personal.
Anyway, I've been in black depression for days and days. God, it's been almost a week now. I'm feeling a bit better and more productive today. I'm just trying not to think about it, or think about the negative things about him, which were plentiful. I guess now I'm angrier than I am depressed. That's good because at least I'm able to get things done.
Still having a hard time, but not as hard.
Thanks again to everyone. I appreciate all the support so much. It makes me feel so cared about!
Love,
MariaC

(((((((((((((((Maria))))))))))))))))))))) my friend,
I glad you are feeling a bit better! Take the time you need to feel better and know that we will be here for you always!! Dont worry about posting if you are not up to it right now.. but
Anger is a good thing in this case , as I know the saying to be true.... "Depression is Anger without the emotion"
*hugs
I know how hard it is to hear of news of an ex especially when it is someone that at one time you cared about or one who hurt you so deeply.
I am friends with my sons dad and became very good friends with his wife, but when I first found out that he had broken up with the girl he dated after me I was happy I thought well maybe this is my second chance to be with him again only to find out that he was dating Stephanie (his wife) and that hurt then to hear that they were getting married he made that promise to me he told me we would get married and instead he broke it all off with me, and now they are having baby in March, I am happy for him and Stephanie and I think it is great that Jakob will have a little sister but it hurts sometimes when I think back but I think that we all need to learn is that we need to feel these emotions and we need to go thru the steps and the emotions to become fully okay with ourselves and with our lives and to get over the past.
I am glad to hear that you are starting to feel better, I know how hard it can be at times to just make it thru the day especailly when you are so sad not just with the depression but with everything else.
I am thinking of you even though I am not around the board alot you are in my thoughts and I hope that each day keeps getting better for you..by the way how are things going with your friend???has she tried to speak with you??
Mine called me she is coming to visit me for my birthday this weekend...
Take care,
Erin
Thanks for understanding. It really has been such an awful road with this guy. I hope that I am starting to move to other places besides just being shocked and hurt. He was so bad for me. I didn't enjoy him at all. And the bottom line is that I would not want to be part of the life he has now. I wouldn't want to be his cook, maid, and the mother of his kids. Geez, that guy has no patience. He really shouldn't have kids. He's such a #@$%*!!!! He was broody, controlling, and extremely judgmental. Most of the time I was with him I was bored and irritated (except during the fantastic sex.) The whole ordeal with him was excruciatingly painful. I should have run away many times. But I think that he hooked in to that deep place of wanting love that I have from my childhood. Plus, he acted like he needed me so much. I guess that's the big awful pain. I believed that he needed me. I believed that I was so important to someone. Him getting married so fast, and staying married, makes me feel like it was all a lie. I don't know what to believe anymore.
I have such a need to feel special. Special to someone. I used to think that I had that effect on men, to make them feel loved and understood. To be important to them. But now I think that every guy who put that on me was just trying to get laid. I feel like a lot of my dreams and fantasies about life have come crashing down. I just have to learn to live as a regular person in the world. A world where everyone essentially cares about themselves. I have a couple people who seem to really care. Well, at least one. Maybe more. And I have a handful of people like my friends on the board who are caring people. I have to live with that being benough. I think that the hole of pain and neglect inside me left me feeling so much wanting for others to act like I'm really special to them. That guy made me feel so special, that is when he wasn't making me feel so rejected. It was the perfect combination of the rejection of my childhood with the wanting to be special of my childhood. I couldn't pull away!
Eeek!!!
Anyway, my friends, including all of you, are being really nice. I'm going to karaoke tonight with some friends. My best friend is still out of the country. I've given up on her, anyway. She's pretty much been selfish the whole time I've known her. She's not going to change.
Thanks again for the support. The love and kind words mean everything to me!!!!
Love,
MariaC
Maria,
Dont think of it as
*hugs