the sun is peeking thru in my world
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| Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:28am |
I wanted to thank you all for your support advice and help thru the good and the bad.
I love the fact that you are all happy when someone else is feeling better and you sympathize when someone is feeling bad I think it is such a great thing and that this is such a great place to be it is very theraputic being apart of this board.....
Things are starting to look up for me I see a ray of sunshine peeking thru my clouds and I hope that soon it with shine with all of its might.
My sister and I talked I am sure I told you all of that, and the other night (Wednesday) I was in my room watching Angel (one of my favorite shows) and she was in her room on the third floor watching it and at the end I hear her running down the stairs and I am running up my stairs and we sat and talked about the show, (that is something that we used to so all of the time after certain shows were on the we were both watching) so anyways as we are talking inside I am smiling I was so happy it was something that I never really noticed before and kinda took for granted I guess and it was something that I missed so much.
I am not totally happy but I am trying very hard to get there.
I went to see Marnie(my therapist) and I admitted to her that I started the diet pills again I told her how one day I was sitting down after my work out and I noticed that I had a pudge and that my size 3 jeans were getting tight and I freaked out crying wrote in my journal about being a pig who has lost control ect.....I told her that the next morning I got up really early and went to the cvs before work to but two different kinds of pills and have been taken them ever since she was upset cause I didnt tell her when it started. She told me that one day I will be tired of living my life like this that one day I will get tired of not enjoying a meal because I feel too guilty to enjoy food that one day I will see what I am doing to myself but right now I dont see it that way I need to be thin I told her I need to be pretty I told her that no one wants me because my size 3's are too tight she laughed trying to show me how rediculious I sound that in my mind I see myself as huge but in reality that isnt the case, but to me it is so real, it is such a huge fear of mine.
I used my weight as control and I know that I really dont have control over it that it has control over me but for now I believe or want to believe that I control it.
So now I feel like a hypocrit(SP) because here I am telling Sareen that she needs help she needs to stop drinking so much and stop having sex with all these different men and she needs to stay away from drugs and go to therapy and here I am taking diet pills hiding the fact that I am taking them from Sareen and my family I am point a finger at someone when I should point it at myself.
I also saw Jason last thursday (the one who I did the cocaine with) and I went to his new place I didnt not do any drugs there was none around I went to see him I needed to feel something for a night I needed to feel wanted and needed I guess, I ended up sleep ing with him, something that has never really happened between him and I before, he was upset with me because about a month ago I was aat his house and he passed out and his roommate dan and I were talking and I feel asleep and then dan feel alseep but that is all that happened we feel alseep next to each other and Jason says to me why dont you go be with dan (what a jerk thing to say) so I was at his appartment Jason was in his room I was talking to dan about the appartment and we talked about the night I slept with Dan (sleeping sence of the word) and he appoligized for falling aleep ect...I go see jason he gives me the third degre about how long was I talking to dan ect...now this is all coming from a person that doesnt want to be more tha a friend to me I just dont get it I adore Jason would love to be with Jason even thought I know he is bad for me...Sorry for that ramble I just have so much running thru my little head.
anyways I am just so confused about life right now it is sad dont know which way is up but I am looking towards the sky (my sky) and I hope the sun comes out soon for me also got my meds dosaged upped the other day right now only 1200mg's a day of the neurontin see if that helps any, will find out next month at my next pdoc appointment.
thanks ladies sorry for being all over the place with this.
Erin

((((((((Erin, honey)))))))), I'm really happy for you that your relationship with your sister is showing some signs of improvement!
Hugs Ilka