Sleepiness becoming major issue (trigs)

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sleepiness becoming major issue (trigs)
6
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 1:42am
Hi, I'm sorry I haven't been around to support everyone else...I feel bad because I seem to do that so rarely these days. I'm not sure if I should post this either because I don't want to ask for support when I'm not around to give any. But I've been having a problem, and I know I am most likely blowing it out of proportion...but I can't seem to get myself to understand that...so I was wondering if anyone had any advice.

The problem is a really simple one...I'm just incredibly sleepy all the time and have needed literally 12 hours of sleep to be functional at all this past week. I have gotten up after sleeping only 8 hours...but I can barely keep my eyes open, no matter what I do, and I end up going back to bed until my total sleep for the day adds up to 12 hours! My body seems to have a clock and know when its 12 hours are up...then I'm more alert.

I did get back from my short trip to Boston a week ago...but I thought I would have had more than enough time to recover from that. And I have been having some problems with my sinuses...headaches (minor when compared to my past migraines, fortunately!), which my doctor has said are due to very "obstructed" sinuses (he gave me a steroid spray to treat them)...but I don't have an infection or even a cold. So I wouldn't think that could cause the sleepiness either. I'm wondering if this could be mostly related to my fibromyalgia...if I might have chronic fatigue as well...I did post about this on the fibromyalgia board...but it still is unusual for me.

And it seems like a physical problem, not one due to depression...especially because I've been doing relatively well with the depression lately. I had to put on a happy face at interviews, and I think I convinced myself a little bit that I've never been depressed! But then I got back to my apartment and realized that the "old" me is still there.

This is going to become a bigger problem for me in not too long, though. I got a short-term job today, doing data entry from 8 to 5 (more boring than most other jobs I could imagine, but I am thankful for the chance to earn a little money). Unfortunately, though, I have to start on Monday morning...I will have to get up much earlier, too, because the job is at least a half hour away. And recently, even when I go to bed at 11 P.M., I can't seem to wake up until 11 A.M. or later...earlier than that, I am completely non-functional and feel much more tired than when I went to bed.

So this is where I seem to start blowing this out of proportion. I am trying to think positively and believe that I will be able to do this job, but my complete exhaustion throughout this past week tells me otherwise. And I feel like if I can't do this easy, standard 8-to-5 job for even a day or two, much less 4 to 6 weeks, I am just a lazy, worthless person. I have to earn money to avoid becoming dependent on my parents for rent, something that would make me feel even more worthless (especially because with my dad, there are always "strings attached"...it's not pretty).

And then I extend this thinking out to med school, which will start in August. My life now is extremely stress-free compared to what it will be like then, I know. People have told me not to try to predict the future, that I will be able to manage it when it comes...but I'm not so sure. I started and had to quit at least 4 jobs over the summer and fall...and after my fibromyalgia started up, I had to get incompletes for all my classes and finish them, slowly, over the next semester. I'm doing a lot better in terms of physical pain...but the pain seems to have been replaced by sleepiness.

Wow, I know I'm rambling as usual...very sorry about that. But I realize that my thinking is getting "off" because I am starting to think somewhat seriously about self-harm again, which I haven't done in a while (well, several weeks, at least...that's "a while" for me, how sad!). My reasoning is that if I can't manage to make it to work for even a few weeks, I am either hopelessly lazy (and don't deserve to be alive just in order to take money from my parents), or I am really medically unable to do it, which seems almost as bad...because then I can't imagine surviving med school...and hence I have no worth because I'm not able to be productive or contribute anything to society.

I do want to go to med school, and I know everybody (but especially me) would be very disappointed in me if I dropped out or failed out (which is hard to do, but still). I know I don't have a healthy view of life because I consider my career the only source of my self-worth...but I have trouble changing that view. And maybe I don't need to right now...a week of total exhaustion doesn't mean a life of sleepiness, right?! At least that's what I've been trying to tell myself, but I haven't been able to convince myself very successfully.

The real question is, why can I not seem to write posts that don't turn into novels?! :) On a more serious note, though, the plan has been creeping into my mind that if I end up having to quit this job because I can't manage to get up in time, or stay awake for the whole day (I used to be almost this sleepy during college due to antidepressants, though doctors thought I had narcolepsy...and I could fall asleep standing up in the back of a lecture hall!), I will just end it all. I'm not very set on this plan, so no one needs to tell me to get to the ER...I just feel like I am never going to meet my own expectations, or anyone else's...and I am just useless. Better to go out with "potential" than to waste a life and accomplish nothing...although I know that is a sick way of looking at things.

Thanks for listening to all this if you made it this far...I hope nothing was triggering to anyone. Wow, what irony...I've stayed up so late writing this post that I'll probably end up sleeping into tomorrow afternoon! I am going to try to adjust my sleeping schedule as best I can over the next two days, but any schedule that requires 12 or more hours of sleep a day doesn't seem like it would work with my job's regular office hours.

I want to apologize again for venting like this without being there to support you all...I am so sorry...and I hope that I will be able to make it through this and be able to give support to others sometime very soon. I don't know where I would be without this board sometimes.

Thanks,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 1:19pm

((((((((((((((((((((((((Rose))))))))))))))))))))))))


first and foremost, don't feel bad if you don't post to other people, it is okay here to take without giving.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 3:11pm
Thanks so much, Trac...I really, really appreciate the time you took to respond to me with your thoughts and suggestions. One thing I'm not sure if I made clear enough, though...my problem is with sleepiness, not sleepLESSness. I have no problem getting to bed...it's the getting out of bed and staying awake that's causing me trouble! :) But I'm hoping that today I may have turned a corner in whatever was causing this problem...I slept only 8 or 9 hours last night and have stayed awake since then with less difficulty than yesterday...so I'm hoping that will continue.

Thank you also for your suggestions about how to make the data entry job more manageable...I will take all of them into account, and I think they will really help. I am also somewhat worried about the sheer stress of typing on my hands, since I am prone to getting carpal-tunnel syndrome...but hopefully if I take short breaks, I'll be OK with that as well. I'm also going to look into applying for other jobs while I work at this one, so that I may have another option if I do encounter a major problem.

I do realize that a person is not just his or her job...I guess it is harder for me to accept personally because I feel like I don't have many worthwhile qualities outside of what I can do in a career...I have never had a long-term relationship and I don't have any friendships right now, either...and during med school interviews, I found myself at a bit of a loss when an interviewer asked me what my hobbies are. I agree with you that I need to work at cultivating these other things...you're also right that at my interviews, I did get the chance to see myself as more of an "entire" person, as opposed to just a pre-med student and office worker.

Thank you for the compliment about my long posts...that's a more positive way to look at it than I had thought of! I'm glad you have been able to have such great conversations with your past doctor and your boss...I know there is a lot I need to learn about balance in my life and the importance of maintaining outside interests.

Right now, though, I do still feel quite down, especially after I posted on another message board...I felt like the responses I got just confirmed how lazy and worthless I am. I haven't felt like crying in a relatively long time, but I think I'm close to it now...oh well, I guess awake and crying is better than asleep for 13 hours a day!

Thanks again for your help,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 4:19pm




(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Rose))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


You did make it clear, I was hoping that by focusing on what to do ahead of time that your sleep would be refreshing and you would wake up feeling less sleepy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 9:40pm
Thanks again, Trac...I'm sorry I misunderstood you about the sleepiness thing. Since starting my med school interviews, I have developed something of a routine or ritual before I go to bed...unfortunately, sometimes it goes on for a few hours before I end up actually turning out the lights! I put on my Norah Jones CD, fill out my daily record for therapy, take care of any last-minute emails, put on some lotion...it does seem to help me drift off into sleep more easily, but for some reason I've still needed so much sleep recently that it's hard to imagine I was sleeping very restfully...so I do appreciate the suggestions.

I've also tried your idea of walking to get rid of sleepiness...I did that today for half an hour on the treadmill...and I did feel slightly more alert afterwards, but I have been feeling better in general today. Even yesterday, walking didn't seem to affect my sleepiness much...I wonder if I just needed that week to recover from my trip.

Thank you for the advice on negativity...it's true that I tell myself too often what a bad person I am...and I do have trouble seeing myself ever having anything to offer the world. I am trying to focus more on the positive, though. I hope you're right that each of us has something special to do in this world...I often feel like I'm the one exception to that rule, a "mistake"...although I know many other people feel that way too! Like you with your ex, I grew up with my dad telling me constantly what I was doing wrong...to the point that I am sure I came to believe it all. But I know it's up to me to reverse that pattern...it's been difficult to do, though.

And sometimes, like today, a wave of utter hopelessness seems to come out of nowhere. I'm feeling a good bit better physically today (although a migraine seems to be setting in, judging from my nausea...I wonder if that could be connected to my shift in moods? I have heard that serotonin is also involved in migraines). But all of a sudden on my way to the bookstore (trying to force myself to get out of my apartment), a sad but beautiful song came on the radio, and I felt overwhelmed by a despair that I haven't felt in months.

I tried to "talk" myself out of it, and to use the mindfulness techniques my therapist taught me...at least I convinced myself to try to wait it out...although I did go to the store just now, thinking in the back of my mind that I would just buy a bottle of the strongest alcohol they had (I never drink) to escape it all. Of course I ended up buying only milk and a newspaper! But I feel like the most despicable scum of the earth. I have to finish an essay this weekend for a med school scholarship...about my goals as a doctor, etc...and everything rings so hollow for me now. The idea that I will even make it through med school seems like a joke at this point. But hopefully you are right...I will cling to the idea that maybe I do have something special to offer, however unclear that is to me right now.

Thanks again, your advice to me has been "something special" because it has kept me from falling over the edge of this cliff,

Rose

Avatar for legs2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 10:13pm
Rose, I hope no one here ever made you feel lazy or worthless. I think you are bright and wonderful. I too have been feeling so tired all the time. I however, have been having trouble sleeping. It does not help that I work painfully early, but I am done by 2:15....so I won't complain too bad.

GOOD JOB!!! For getting a part time job. I know that it must have been stressful for you and you are handling it. I am so proud of you!

Are you on any meds that are making you sleepy? I was on a few that really knocked me out!

I just wanted you to know I was thinking good thoughts about you.

I have missed you too.

I hope that we both find some ways to more satisfying sleep soon.

I hope you realize that no one has the right to make you feel you are less than who you are.

You are an amazing woman and I am glad to count you among my friends!

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 12:49am
Thank you so much, Lisa...you are so sweet and kind. I wish your positive description of me were true, though, but I know in my heart that I am far from an amazing person. I'm really sorry you've been having a tough time lately, especially with your sleeping...it does make dealing with everyday problems more difficult when you don't feel rested.

I hope that you will also find a way to get more restful sleep...and that you will know how much of a positive impact you have had on me during my time on this board.

Thanks again,

Rose