My husband's depression.....any advice??
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| Sat, 02-07-2004 - 2:51pm |
I'm not sure what to do about my husband. 2 years ago, he got laid off from his job that had previously seemed really promising and he really had his goals set with advancing in this company (I think this has been the single worst thing to happen to him that lead to his depression -- especially since he hasn't really got another steady career going since then). Then about 6 months later he felt that all his friends (a group of friends he hung out with alot) just completely "dumped" on him, and he still doesn't associate with them till this day -- and I know he still hasn't got over that because I can tell it still bothers him. He was very hurt by them. And he's had ongoing problems with his relationship with his mother (but that's been going on for quite a long time).
I knew he was very depressed after being laid off, but it's been getting steadily worse. Now, he drinks all the time (he was sort of a heavy drinker anyway), he sleeps all time, he does nothing when he's at home but sit around feeling sorry for himself (and sleeping) -- which is all day -- nothing gets done. He gets physically sick everyday(vomiting) and dizzy ( I don't know if the dizziness is more from the stress and depression or the drinking or both). He's super-sensitive about things that are said and more emotional. He's a lot more anti-social now, too (self confidence has gone to zilch, and he'll admit that)-- He used to be so much more social -- so well-liked by everyone and confident.
I just don't know what to do....Sometimes I get upset with myself because I feel like I'm not patient or understanding enough...but it seems like it's been so long...I thought he would have snapped out of this way before now....and it's hard for me to understand it seems...I've never been through this myself. For me it's gone from worrying like hell about him, to trying to help him -- but nothing I say or do seems to help, to feeling really sad about it, to flat out being frustrated and mad. He's really big on wanting to start a family really really soon...I once was to but now I'm becoming so much more hesitant...I just don't feel like he's stable enough now.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated....Especially from those that can relate to his situation. I just don't know what to do, and my being sick of it and frustration is really starting to scare me.
Thanks a bunch!

Welcome to the board.
Hi, honey!
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"I could have written your posting because your situation is so parallel to what I experienced with my husband. I can say without a doubt that "I know how you feel", and I also know what you "don't feel".
We were married for 19 yrs, and I knew up front that he was bipolar. He tried almost every medicine on the market but none worked. He went from a great paying job to minimum wage, and finally to Social Security Disability. He couldn't hold a job for the same reasons as your husband: either he quit because he said he was being picked on, etc., or he was fired.
I too became resentful of having to be the sole bread winner, and of having to constantly "watch" him to ensure he took his meds, ate right, and got out of bed to take a shower. I took on the 'mother' role and that was fine with him. While I was out earning a living, he was out spending it, but he always had an excuse...he was compulsive, it wasn't his fault...blah, blah, blah. He never took responsibility for his illness or his actions. In fact, he "played" with his meds...if he started to feel a little better he'd stop taking them to avoid the terrible side effects, then he'd start to feel depressed again and adjust the dosages himself...on and on, and hardly paid any attention to his doctors.
During our time together he attempted suicide no less than a dozen times - - some were a cry for help, and some were a form of emotional blackmail to get his way. After you "emotionally bury" someone over and over again, you end up numb and unfeeling. You begin to question your own sanity and feelings. During the latter part of our marriage I drove home from work not knowing if I'd find him dead or alive; that wasn't living, it was merely existing.
There were many times I actually prayed he'd die in his sleep so the nightmare would end for both of us.
I completely lost whatever identity I had and lived through him, and for him. Everything I thought and did was centered around him and how he felt. I believed if I could make things perfect for him, he'd feel better, and in turn our marriage would be better and I could be happy again too.
Like you, I was always an optimistic person. But depression is contagious and eventually you get sucked into the vortex. I ended up feeling emotionally paralyzed and had little phyical energy. Yet I'd go to work with a smile on my face and a happy attitude and no one was the wiser. I literally lived two lives.
During the last 4 yrs of our marriage he began drinking heavily, and his excuse was that it made him feel better. Unfortunately, when you mix booze with Prozac it makes you want to commit suicide, it's involuntary. He ended up a loose cannon.
In 1999 he was awarded S/S Disability due to the depression and at first it seemed things might work out okay; he no longer had to work, and we had the S/S check coming in every month. Because his work-related stress was gone, he stopped sleeping all weekend long and we started to enjoy activities out-of-doors and our marriage really started to improve. He started getting interested in a few hobbies.
Sadly though it didn't last...after about 6 months of being on disability he began to feel like a failure and started drinking again. I'm come home from work at lunch and he'd already be drunk, when I got home after work he'd be passed out from all the booze and I wouldn't see him again until the next day. (We'd stopped sleeping in the same room because he'd want to keep me up all night with his tirads and then expect me to work the next day while he slept)
The worst happened when he turned on me, it was a push-pull type domestic violence, but it was so terrifying that to this day, nearly 4 yrs later, I'm still suffering from the effects of that night. The nightmares are still with me and I still look over my shoulder to make sure he isn't after me. He attacked me because I told him I wanted a divorce, and at first he cried and begged and told me that I was the only person who loved him, understood him, and kept him alive.
The things that transpired between us could fill a book, and I know it may take me many years, if not the rest of my life, to heal from effects of living with him.
We divorced in 2001 and like an idiot I gave in and saw him several times after the divorce, but each visit ended up a disaster. I suffered from 'approach-avoidance' conflict, meaning I'd miss him terribly when we were apart, and then as soon as he walked in the door I'd want him out of my life again. The ambivalence I demonstrated was not healthy for either of us. I haven't seen him for over a year and a half, and the last phone conversation we had was over 9 months ago.
I am just now starting to have feelings again, I was numb inside and didn't even cry when I heard sad news about someone, it was as though I'd completely shut down.
I'm still terrified of men and haven't dated yet, and I could care less if I'm ever with another man. I just don't trust anymore. Someday that may change, but for now I am content living alone and not having to walk on eggshells in my own home. I'm stuck with thousands of dollars of credit card bills he ran up, but at least I now control the money and while I'm earning it, no one else is out spending it.
What you decide to do is of course up to you. Friends tried to warn me before I married him, and even after we were married, but I never listened because I felt they just didn't understand. In the end, all the friendships I'd had ended because the only life I had was with my husband.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better, but we both know it doesn't work that way.
We fell in love with the wrong guy and thought we were doing the right thing.
So, to answer your question, How do you deal with it? You either give up your life and become his caretaker and be content with that arrangement, or you move on. You can get outside hobbies, have a social life with friends, but you still have to come home to him, and there is your reality. Counseling will help you to understand why you are with him in the first place, and you can educate yourself about depression, but in the final analysis...what you have with him is your life. All the outside activities you can participate in won't cure his depression. He has a mental disease, and until he takes full responsibilty for his illness, it won't get better."
Katie
Since I started posting about my Husband I have heard from others who are in the EXACT same situation as I am.
So, hang in there and do your research and from my other post someone suggested a book called "Depression Fallout, The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond" by: Anne Sheffield
http://www.depressionfallout.com/