I'm sorry...I just can't...(major trigs)
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 02-08-2004 - 12:45am |
I do want to make it clear, it's not the fault of the person who posted these messages to me...it is completely my own fault and my own misinterpretation and anger. And I know that by coming here to whine about it, I am just perpetuating the behavior which this person described. But I do feel welcome at this board, and I hope you understand.
So I feel I've not only lost a huge source of support to me in my struggles with fibromyalgia, I've also been made to realize very clearly, once again, how inept and spoiled and horrid a person I am (although that apparently wasn't the intent of the messages). And it's more than that...I don't want to go into too much detail, and I know you all probably don't want to hear the detail, so I'll leave it at that.
I now realize that I am probably not wanted at this board either because of my incessant whining and refusal to accept advice...so I guess I may have to say goodbye here soon too. And I (triggers soon to follow) am leaning towards saying goodbye to life right now...I just can't do anything right, I just can't go on, it is just too painful.
I want to let all of you know how very much I have appreciated all your endless support and caring, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart for not reciprocating as I should have. I know that it may seem silly that I am so upset over "just" a message board, but I don't have any friends or close relatives in "real" life, and I feel I have shared more of myself on these boards than I have with people who are physically closer to me. And as I had suspected, my self is a whiny brat, and any other negative descriptions I could come up with that are not appropriate for this board.
I am strictly not allowed to call my therapist after hours, and I feel it wouldn't do any good anyway because I haven't told her that I post on these message boards, and I would be embarrassed to admit that this is why I am so upset. I am beyond help, and I am sorry.
Thanks for listening for one last time (although knowing me, it won't be the last, since I'm too much of a coward to carry through on any plans),
Rose

Rose my sweet friend!!
I sooo hope the morning finds you feeling a little better!! YOU are NOT a whiney brat or any such thing. You are a wonderful young lady who has health problems that most of us can not begin to understand, and therefore have no right to critize or preach. And that goes for every one here about everyone else.
This board at least, is about SUPPORT; not advice or critizism or anything more then Caring and Listening.
*hugs
Dear (((((((((Rose))))))))),
You are surely not the only person
((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sweetie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
There are two sides to every conversation, be they typed as in a post or spoken as in talking face to face.
I loved your poem and the sentiment behind it...and I thank you for always caring about and supporting me and the other people on this board. I would only want to leave this board if, as I have suspected, I am just an annoyance to most people here. I know that I do complain often about my health problems or my emotional issues...and the fact that the other board is made up of people with my same health problems made me feel even more worthless. If people struggling with the same thing I am are still working 50+ hours a week and raising children and taking care of a household, who am I to complain, when I have not had a consistent job and have few responsibilities?
I am planning to start that 8-to-5 job tomorrow, though...but in my heart I feel that I am not going to make it through the whole 4 to 6 weeks that the job is supposed to last (I recently spent a few days at a similar temp job, and even after that short time my muscle pain went way up, and I started getting carpal tunnel syndrome)...and I can't bear to have another confirmation of my laziness and lack of a work ethic. Before my therapist spoke with my dad a while ago, he used to make similar comments to me...that (when I was in a lot of physical pain) I just didn't "want" to work, and that I needed to just suck it up and do it. I do want to work, though, so I will try my best at this job. But that is another reason the post on the other message board stung so badly...it reminded me of all the "shoulds" my dad has placed upon me throughout my life.
Sorry to get off track once again. I want to let you know again that I have found only support (and helpful suggestions) at this board, and I am very grateful to you and to everyone else here for that.
But (possible triggers)...I'm not sure how much longer my life will last. Late last night I took a minor overdose of several medications (I am such a coward that I never take many pills at all), just to numb the pain. I know if I were to harm myself now, it would seem to confirm the fact that I don't want to work (since it is the day before I start a new job)...and besides, my bedroom is piled with clutter to such an extent that I can't see most of the floor (it seems so overwhelming that I haven't been able to get it clean since I moved in in August!). I don't want my parents to have to pick through all of that...because that's what they had to do about 5 years ago, when I was hospitalized and not allowed to return to my dorm room to retrieve my things before going home.
I'm sorry to ramble and to post such depressing things. I'm trying to distract myself (I went for an hour-long walk on the treadmill, I'm watching silly TV and writing an essay I have to do for a scholarship to med school)...so we'll see. Knowing me, this is just yet another grab for attention...I have never done serious harm to myself before, although I have planned to many times.
But thanks again, you are truly an angel if you can read my posts and not be utterly disgusted,
Rose
Sorry to hear about you not feeling up to par lately but we all go through it. It doesn't mean your lazy, spoiled or whiny because you don't feel good. There are times when we simply have to take a break. Sorry some people have to be so rude and uncaring. I believe these boards are meant for support and suggestions regardless of what the title on the board states. These boards are a way of communicating with other people with similar situations as yourself or someone who is just willing to lend a helping hand. And some very kind words. Working can be very stressful especially when your in a job you don't care for and everyone else is different so therefore we handle situations differently. Have you thought about maybe just working part time? Is that something that is possible for you to do?(financially) Could you possibly focus on school for just a little while? Sorry I don't know much of your situation so I can't really suggest anything other than to listen.
Sorry if I couldn't help just wanted you to know if you needed someone to listen I'm here.
Take care and hope your feeling better!
Irene
EDD 05/25/04
B/G twins