So wrong...and stupid

Avatar for jessicasue
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
So wrong...and stupid
3
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 10:47am
I had thought I had my anxiety under control and was was only having problems with my depression, but I realized today that that is not true. Little things have been getting on my mind and bothering me which is really making me feel stupid.

First, I went by the provost's office to tell them I got excepted to the NCUR (National conference of undergraduate research, I think)conference so that the school would pay for me to go. I also asked about MPA (midwestern psychological association) conference. I forgot that they don't take care of paying for that one but the psychology department does. Well, She decided to call and ask all along I didn't want her to use my name because everyone knows who I am. Well she did and the prof she was talking to ask why I was asking her. I felt really stupid and was afraid that he would tell other profs. I just couldn't get it off my mind.

Then, Today I took my senior comps (which I have to pass to graduate) which was nerve racking. But after I was done I had two friends I was going out with to eat lunch. THey waited for me. I had another friend going out to lunch with her husband so i invited her along. Well one the the two other friends was in such a hurry she started walking out to go to eat without knowing that I was riding eith my other friend. Well, with out thinking I yelled her name. NO doubt everyone still taking hte test heard me because I yelled pretty loud and I was in a open stair well so it echoed. I feel so bad for those people taking the test because I know I hate it when people do that. Now all I keep thinking is that Monday we will be called into someones office and told that because of me yelling everyone was distracted and now we have to retake it. HOW RIDICULOUS!!! But I can't stop thinking about it.

Finally, My friends decided to go out for a Valentines thing around the 20th. My friend Mandy and her husband, my friend Jess and her perspective boyfriend/dating partner, and me. Well, they are trying to talk me into asking someone I like out. Both of them used to have no problem with it. I'm so nervous but I know it would be good for me. I can't stop thinking about how he might say no or that he might say yes. IF he says yes I will think he just didn't want to let me down because he is such a nice guy. either way I lose.

I know most advice I get will be about getting on better meds, I'm on Lexapro right now for my depression. I don't have the money to get on more medication or even to go to the doctor. My insurance sucks and until next year when I will be under the graduate school insurance I don't want to go to the doctor. I'm not even sure that will be good insurance. I would rather go to a psychiatrist who knows what to put me on and how much (we just had a debate in one of my classes how physicians don't know how to or are not trained to prescribe the right amount or even to diagnose mental disorders correctly). I don't want to be on meds anymore. I might be mean and irritable when I'm off them and i make everyone else miserable, but I happier off of them with some really low low moments. Atleast that applies to the depression anyways maybe not the anxiety. I just want to give up.

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anonymous user
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:26am
((((((((((jessica)))))))))))) Maybe u can go back to the doc and tell him/her that you are still feeling very depressed even on the meds you are on. There are things about you that i think are really cool...you are at school and it looks like you are doing well. Im failing :( You have friends at school and I think thats really nice. I wish I had friends at school but too shy.

I also worry about things a lot but I think everything will be ok. Try to be more optomistic about the date thing, I dont think guys will often say yes to a date unless they really like the girl...really. I know its harder done than said. Take care and good luck HUGS
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 12:05pm
((((((Jessica))))))

Sweetie, I am sorry to hear that things are going so crappy for you right now.

Please email me if you want to talk a little more, okay?

Take care sweetie.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 2:18pm

Jessica, you're medication is not covering both issues - depression and anxiety. It's really not unusual for someone suffering from depression to also suffer from anxiety. I've been there, and after taking several medications for depression that did nothing for anxiety, I was put on Effexor. That takes care of both problems.


I know it's hard to rationalize situations when anxiety is hanging over your head, but try to not overanalyze anything you've mentioned here. OK, you forgot who pays for what at the university. That's not a horrible thing. I'm sure your professor has better things to do than tell other professors about the phone call. I work at a university and it's certainly not unusual to call a wrong department or ask the wrong person for information. I've done it, people do it to me. That's not anything to get upset about.


As for calling out to your friend, chalk that up to test-taking nerves. Also, I've found that when my anxiety was not under control I would do similar things that made me feel embarrassed or stupid. I don't know if uncontrolled anxiety causes this or if you just feel more embarrassed about it when anxiety is involved. Still, it's one of those things you just let go. I'm sure it didn't disturb anyone that much; at least not to the point of retaking the exam.


I know it's hard to get these thoughts under control. Sometimes I don't know which is worse - depression or anxiety. Both take a toll. Just keep telling yourself that you haven't done anything wrong and you did nothing that anyone's going to pay any attention to. Remind yourself that anxiety intensifies fears and feelings. We all have those moments of feeling stupid or ridiculous, but we either laugh them off or forget them. When anxiety is involved, those feelings grow and grow until it's all we're aware of. We can't seem to rationalize it proportionate to its importance. Anxiety has a tendency to take over your thought processes, and your life.


If you ask a guy out and he says no, tell yourself over and over that it's his loss. If he says yes, enjoy his company for the evening. You don't owe him anything, and he doesn't owe you. I don't think there are too many people who go out with someone just so they won't "let you down." I doubt there are too many people who are THAT benevolent.


I know you want a pychiatrist who can prescribed medication for you, and I agree that that is the best route to take. But don't suffer because you feel you can't afford that. Please see a family physican or other doctor and explain that you not only suffer from depression, but also anxiety and that you need a medication that can deal with both problems.