Husband's Depression - the next round

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Husband's Depression - the next round
31
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:23pm
lwal2003, brenbw and I have all written posts about our husband’s and their depression. We’ve all gotten great advise and support from everyone. It’s too bad there isn’t a way to combine all the posts into one thread to make it easier for us all to stay connected without having to go to three different threads. I guess this will be thread #4!!

I haven’t posted in days and days. Things have turned downward at my house again. My husband has not been to work for over a week. He says he just cannot bear the thought of going there and dealing with the stress. He just left in the middle of a day and has not been back. That was last Tuesday. He went to see his therapist on Friday and had a very long visit. The therapist told him he needs to go to work but after much discussion, they decided that if my husband felt he needed to stay home a few days, the therapist would back him up. Of course, as soon as he heard that, he stayed home.

I just don’t know what to think anymore. He told me last night he might go back to work on Wednesday after he sees his therapist again on Tuesday night for his Cognitive Behavior Group The project he was assigned to at work, the one he was in such a panic over, got cancelled. He’s going to ask the therapist if he can see him in addition to his group. Maybe the combination of these things will help limit his stress level a bit. But, THAT project got cancelled. Obviously, he will be assigned another one and, guaranteed, he will be stressing out over that within days.

My in-laws think he needs to get out of that job NOW. His mother calls him every day, sometimes twice a day, while I’m at work. She told him he should write a letter to his employer and request a lay off. She says he should tell human resources that he cannot do his job because of depression, anxiety, and stress and he feels he is doing the company a disservice and therefore, he requests they lay him off. This way he would be out of there, but would still be able to get COBRA health coverage and collect unemployment.

I’m not sure this would work. I think the company will just say no and wait him out. If he is that miserable, he will eventually quit, they will think. What do you think? Also, I don’t think running away is the answer. He will just have this problem with the next job he gets and the next. In this economy, who’s to say he will even find another job in a reasonable amount of time. I agree he needs to get a different job. I never thought he was the “sit behind a desk and shuffle paper” type of guy. As a computer programmer, he sits in a cubicle all day, staring at a screen trying to make the dots and dashes make sense. He hates it. I have no problem with him doing something different; I just don’t think this is the way.

It is true, he simply does not have the skills required to do this job. No amount of medication or therapy is going to give him any spontaneous knowledge. The job he was hired to do and the job he ended up with are two different things. Most of his stress comes from this fact. He just can’t do it, or do it to his own satisfaction. On top of that, he doesn’t like it. There is no doubt he needs a different job but what? He doesn’t want to do programming anymore.

His biggest concern is that if he goes back, it will all happen again because he can’t do the job. It seems to me if he goes into it with that attitude, it will happen again, and again and again. I don’t know what to tell him, or if I should tell him anything. He says he can’t deal with the stress of this job, trying to deal with his illness and get better, AND look for a new career all at the same time. It does seem overwhelming. I can’t do any of this for him and even if I could, everyone keeps telling me I should stay out of it and let him do it himself. It’s just so hard to watch. And I’m scared. I don’t want to be responsible for all the income. I don’t want us not having insurance. I just don’t know what’s in store for us.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:22pm
Hey Lin!

If I knew back then (1-1/2 years ago) what I know now I would have insisted on the day my Husband lost (basically quit) his job that he go out and get another job - right away and stuck and hounded him until he got one! I was too quiet and didn't want to stir up any "mess" and thought I was being "understanding" by not saying anything and thought he might need some time off - I was wrong! Well, he never did get another job and I think the longer he didn't have one the worst he got and the will to get one vanished more and more each passing day. So, I don't think necessarily the fact that if he doesn't have a job will make matters better - they need the "structure" of having a daily routine and it atleast gives them something to wake up and do everyday - then just laying around the house. And don't be surprized if he just up and quits his job one day - he probably won't even consider the fact that with that action he will be loosing his health benefits. If he doesn't know what kind of career he wants - just get him to find something - anything. Don't take ALL his "excuses" and boy did I hear excuses. I look back now and I know he was manipulating me into getting his way of doing "nothing" - which is exactly what they want to do!!!

Maybe you can look into reading this book about relationships. It doesn't have anything to do with depression but it gives you a very good insight on how relationships work.

"The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate"

By Gary Chapman

The past couple of days I have been reading the book "Depression Fallout" I will let you know what I think when I finish it.

Have you read this book?

Linn


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:27pm
Linn, please let us know if you recommend the book.
AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 11:19pm
Another thing I thought of after I posted:

Are Depressed people capable of being happy about any job?

To me, it seems my Husband wouldn't be happy with ANY kind of job.

He was unhappy with his last job and complained how he hated it and that he was missing out on things because he was away from home alot but, now that he is at home I have to talk him into doing all the things that he used to miss out on.

It's so confusing!!!





iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 8:50am
I ordered that book from Barnes & Noble the same day you got that post about it. I haven't received it yet. It should be here any day. I'm looking forward to reading it very much. I may even try to get him to read it. Sorta like the other's view of life, ya know.

Another thing that bothers me is his mother. She suffered from a similar problem years ago. Treated with medication she is fine as long as she stays on her meds. But, having gone through episodes in the past, even though they are not the same (she is paranoid, he is depressed) she feels she is an expert. She spends hours and hours pouring over medical journals and articles and feels like she knows soooo much. She "advises" him and I don't think it's right. She is the one who thinks he "needs to get out of there" because he "just can't handle the stress". That's what she did. She quit her job, they even moved 250 miles away in an attempt to "get away from the stress". As she found out, her problem only followed her there and her worst episode, the one she was hospitalized for, occurred after than ran away. But, she still feels she is right to "councel" him.

There is nothing I can do. When he's home and I'm at work, she calls him, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day to "give him support". While I think it's great that she is a loving mother and supports her son, I think it's a bit too much. He is a 42 year old grown man. It's time for mommy to let him deal with his life. If he fails, he fails just like the rest of us. I have told him repeatedly, for years and years, that her "help" is not helpful but he insists it is and "she knows because she's gone through it too". I have threatened to call the phone company and have her calls blocked but he hits the roof when I say it.

I feel like I am fighting battles on numerous fronts. Him, his illness, his job, his mother, our marriage. Frankly, I'm getting really tired of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:04am
That is a very good question. Thinking back, my husband has had problems with other jobs in the past too. But, on the other hand, he was in one job for 10 years before he was laid off. However, it was during the last 2 years of that job that his illness really kicked in.

Looking back I realize he was having symptoms for at least a year before the actual episode that he was diagnosed for. He was in one job where the stress level was extremely low and he complained that it was mind numbing and totally boring. He is in a job now full of challenges and he "can't handle the stress". I don't know what will happen with the next job.

He says he thinks if he got out of the office setting, the corporate structure he would be fine. Like driving a truck or delivering mail, or selling lumber at Home Depot. Maybe he's right but it seems to me that EVERY SINGLE JOB has some sort of stress. It's not the job or the stress but how you handle it. Frankly, I don't know if they can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:19am
Hi, Lyn!
AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 12:24pm
He is seeing a therapist in a group setting for Cognitive Behavior therapy and also one on one since he's been feeling so bad. He actually went to work today which shocked the heck out of me. But, the first words out of his mouth as he walked out the door were...."well, I'm going in today, but don't get your hopes up. I'll probably still have to ask for that layoff". Doesn't it seem if he goes into it expecting to fail, he will fail?!?!?

I finally made an appointment to see a therapist myself. She is in the same group as his therapist but is not his therapist. They felt it would not be appropriate for us to see the same one. I see her tomorrow. Just knowing I'm seeing her has made me feel a bit better but I know as soon as he goes downhill again, I will follow. I also made an appointment with my family doctor for a check up. All last weekend I was having horrible chest pains. My stomach has felt like there is a leaden ball in it for weeks and I'm having trouble sleeping. I know it's just the stress but I figured I should get a check up. I'm over due for one anyway.

Lin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 12:26pm
We are definately in the same boat - paddling upstream!!!

Everything you talk about is the same with me - exept the Mother-in-Law situation.

Yesterday I was feeling totally wanting to give up on everything!

It's so frustrating and I'm getting tired of all this, also. I really don't know if I Love Him anymore or if I'm pretending. Because most of the time I just go on with my life ignoring him as if he's not around.

But, I did make him a Dr's appt. this morning so he can get his Meds changed.

His Mom saw him over the weekend and asked me if something was wrong with him and that she thought he wasn't doing so good. So that finally pushed me to make his appt.

That's what frustrates me - is that if "we" don't take the steps for them and make their decisions NOTHING GETS DONE! But, I was told "we" shouldn't be their "Mother".

Everthing is so contradictory! Who are they suppose to rely on to tell them what to do if their not capable of doing it themselves? Because they can't see the truth and they don't see what they do to us.

After you read the book let me know what you think and we can discuss it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:12pm

That sounds great!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 2:49pm
You're right, it is confusing. Everyone tells me he has to do this stuff for himself but, like you, I end up doing it for him. Am I just supposed to sit here and let him quit/ruin his job or his prospects and say and do nothing?!?!? I don't understand it either.

I'll let you know how I like the book, if the damn thing ever gets here!! I'll also let you know if the therapist gives me any great insights on the situation. I have a feeling she's just going to say the same thing everyone else has been saying. Concentrate on you...find something you enjoy and do it....don't be so wrapped up in his life and problems...yada yada yada.

Lin

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