Husband's Depression - the next round

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Registered: 12-30-2003
Husband's Depression - the next round
31
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:23pm
lwal2003, brenbw and I have all written posts about our husband’s and their depression. We’ve all gotten great advise and support from everyone. It’s too bad there isn’t a way to combine all the posts into one thread to make it easier for us all to stay connected without having to go to three different threads. I guess this will be thread #4!!

I haven’t posted in days and days. Things have turned downward at my house again. My husband has not been to work for over a week. He says he just cannot bear the thought of going there and dealing with the stress. He just left in the middle of a day and has not been back. That was last Tuesday. He went to see his therapist on Friday and had a very long visit. The therapist told him he needs to go to work but after much discussion, they decided that if my husband felt he needed to stay home a few days, the therapist would back him up. Of course, as soon as he heard that, he stayed home.

I just don’t know what to think anymore. He told me last night he might go back to work on Wednesday after he sees his therapist again on Tuesday night for his Cognitive Behavior Group The project he was assigned to at work, the one he was in such a panic over, got cancelled. He’s going to ask the therapist if he can see him in addition to his group. Maybe the combination of these things will help limit his stress level a bit. But, THAT project got cancelled. Obviously, he will be assigned another one and, guaranteed, he will be stressing out over that within days.

My in-laws think he needs to get out of that job NOW. His mother calls him every day, sometimes twice a day, while I’m at work. She told him he should write a letter to his employer and request a lay off. She says he should tell human resources that he cannot do his job because of depression, anxiety, and stress and he feels he is doing the company a disservice and therefore, he requests they lay him off. This way he would be out of there, but would still be able to get COBRA health coverage and collect unemployment.

I’m not sure this would work. I think the company will just say no and wait him out. If he is that miserable, he will eventually quit, they will think. What do you think? Also, I don’t think running away is the answer. He will just have this problem with the next job he gets and the next. In this economy, who’s to say he will even find another job in a reasonable amount of time. I agree he needs to get a different job. I never thought he was the “sit behind a desk and shuffle paper” type of guy. As a computer programmer, he sits in a cubicle all day, staring at a screen trying to make the dots and dashes make sense. He hates it. I have no problem with him doing something different; I just don’t think this is the way.

It is true, he simply does not have the skills required to do this job. No amount of medication or therapy is going to give him any spontaneous knowledge. The job he was hired to do and the job he ended up with are two different things. Most of his stress comes from this fact. He just can’t do it, or do it to his own satisfaction. On top of that, he doesn’t like it. There is no doubt he needs a different job but what? He doesn’t want to do programming anymore.

His biggest concern is that if he goes back, it will all happen again because he can’t do the job. It seems to me if he goes into it with that attitude, it will happen again, and again and again. I don’t know what to tell him, or if I should tell him anything. He says he can’t deal with the stress of this job, trying to deal with his illness and get better, AND look for a new career all at the same time. It does seem overwhelming. I can’t do any of this for him and even if I could, everyone keeps telling me I should stay out of it and let him do it himself. It’s just so hard to watch. And I’m scared. I don’t want to be responsible for all the income. I don’t want us not having insurance. I just don’t know what’s in store for us.

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Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 6:46pm
I found the more I concentrate on ME and do things for ME - it just makes me pretend more he is not a part of my life and I am just doing these things to escape from putting up with his little moods. So that's confusing also - how does that do any good? If all it does is make you escape from reality???

In the past, I've tried for Months of not saying a word and getting on him about doing anything. And did he make any improvements? - NO HE GOT WORST!

I am finding that also that no one has the right answers and it is ultimately up to us if we want to keep riding this Rollercoaster or if we want to get off!!!

Of course it is much more easy to say we want to jump off and get out of this life we are living then actually going through with doing it. We have to weigh the options and decide what is best FOR US. And when I think about it, the future does not look all that great.

Answer this one: What's worst? dealing with someone with Depression (who absolutely Loves and adores you) with hopes he might turn his life around (and not knowing how long that might take or if it will happen at all) or being alone with no companionship and taken that risk of maybe never finding someone who Loves you that much???

I was thinking about making a list of the good and the bad and see which list is longer - do you think that is a good idea?

My Husband is not a "bad" person - he always says good things to me and never talks down to me or puts me down and has NEVER blaimed me for any of what's going on. He knows it's his Illness and he wants to get better. He says he just doesn't "feel right". He mopes around and gets into a bitchy mood sometimes and just doesn't have any zest for life.

I've read so many stories about how the DH blaims everything on the spouse but, that part is totally opposite for me. It was me who treatened to leave him if he doesn't change and it was him begging me to stay.

katie and Lyn how was this situation with you?

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Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 7:31pm
I am bringing these questions from another Post on DH so that we can combine them into one.

Katie, are we suppose to just sit around and let them make their own decisions even though it might ruin them or get them in trouble?

Here is my "new approach" idea - for Starter's:

I made his Dr. Appt for tommorrow. That is the last I will do for him.

I will tell him he's in charge of figuring out his Illness, I will tell him to start doing some research.

And I will give him a list of his chores that he has to do every week.

Let's say his chore's are to keep the Kitchen clean, take out the garbage and mow the lawn.

I will bite my lip and NOT do them for him (and NOT nag) and see how high the dishes pile up, how full the garbage can gets and how high the grass grows.

How does that sound?

I figure that would show him as plain as day of what he does or doesn't get done.

Katie,

you say to cut the strings - is this what you are talking about?

Or atleast is it a good start?







Avatar for katieiswaiting
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Registered: 08-08-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 8:59pm
Before you go any further...PLEASE look at your first posting on this new thread. You used the words HE/HIM/HIS at least 72 times, and the word I/ME only 19 times.

72 to 19...do you see what you're doing? It's ALL about him; you are completely consumed with him; all your decisions are based on him. There is no life for you other than him.

The cycle you're living will NOT improve; it will get worse. Why? Because he's not worried about keeping a job, and why should he be? You do all the worrying for him; and he KNOWS that you'll keep your job to support both of you.

And, he has his mom calling him every day; therefore he has TWO moms now to watch over him....this guy is milking it for all it's worth.

Oh, btw, you don't have to be laid-off to quality for COBRA; you can quit a job and still get COBRA. It ain't cheap, but it's better than no insurance at all. But if he's that bad off, he needs to file for S/S Disability - it's awarded to people with depression.



I tell you what...to test whether or not he even wants to work, suggest he get a job sacking groceries, or mowing lawns...it doesn't really matter what type of job you suggest because he'll have a ready-made excuse why he can't do any of them.

You say you're scared and don't want to be responsible for all the income? Guess what? You're already there.

What's is store for you is what you allow to happen as long as you stay married to a guy who has no intention of helping himself or you. He's got it "made in the shade" and you're part of the problem by allowing him to sit on his butt and have one continual pity party.

How dare I make these callous and cold-hearted remarks? I lived through it, as my posting on the other thread explained in great detail. Like you, I got sick and tired of supporting him...he must have had 20 jobs during our married life.

My decision was to get out. And guess where my "infant" is now? He's 58 yrs old and mooching off his elderly parents, and still host of the biggest pity party in town. He still blames the entire world for his misfortunes, he's still an alcoholic and still uses suicide threats to get his own way. He has not taken any more responsibility to help himself than when we were married.

I thank God every day that I'm free of that living nightmare. Whether or not you decide to spend the rest of your days coddling him, or choose to move on and make a life for yourself is strictly up to you....no one can make that decision for you.

You're living in Pretendland...pretending it will all be better "if only".

One of the things that woke me up was accepting the fact that I was a codependent, but until I was able to do that, I was caught in the same vortex you're in.

We had a symbiotic relationship; the same as conjoined twins...except for us it was emotional not physical. He literally sucked the life right out of me, and I thought I was doing him such a favor and truly believed that love would conquer all.

Depression is an illness, but it's an illness that the patient MUST take full responsibility for and have the initiative to seek proper help, not blame others, and not expect others to nurse them day and night.

I spent 23 years trying to make things "right" in hopes the meds and/or therapists would help my husband. Now I can accept the truth that he never intended to help himself at all. I did everything, just like you do. I begged, pleaded and cried and none of it did any good. I threatened to leave but kept changing my mind...I was afraid he'd really kill himself if I left and I felt sorry for him. Where was he when I needed help? He was never there for me. When he knew I was finally serious about leaving he turned on me and thus began the domestic violence...it happened to me once, and all my personal belongings the second time...and then I was out of there for good. Sure, he threatened me again, he even called and left a message on my phone that he planned to murder me and how wonderful it would feel to him to be rid of me.

I still have nightmares and will for some time; but I'm on my own personal journey now and am healing. Every day when I come home from work and walk into my peaceful apartment I thank the Lord for getting me away from him. Every night when I go to bed I thank God for not having to put up with his nightly tirades of keeping me up all night long. I lost count of how many days I went to work after being kept awake all night. Or how many days I had to work and keep a smile on my face while in the back of my mind I worried constantly about him...was he taking his meds? Was he trying to commit suicide again? Will he start drinking and take the car out? Will he catch the house on fire from leaving lit cigarettes all over the place? Will he find the credit cards or checkbook and spend money all over town? Or worst of all, will he hurt anyone?

Now, I go to work and can concentrate on my job, I look forward to going home to my peaceful and sane place, I enjoy outings with my friends...on and on. The blessings are neverending. I make an income and I have complete control over it, there's no one at home spending it.

And I'm no longer angry all the time. I was always mad when we were married. I learned that anger stems from fear, and I was always afraid around him, and of him.

Best of luck to you my friend, may you have the strength and courage to make the right decision for yourself.

Katie




Edited 2/11/2004 9:00:32 PM ET by katieiswaiting


Edited 2/11/2004 9:04:39 PM ET by katieiswaiting

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Registered: 05-17-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:16am
This is Linn (lwal2003).

Well everyone I told him tonight that everything is in his hands to now.

We had a good (calm) talk and it went something like this:

"I made your Dr. Appt for tommorrow so you can get your Meds changed and from here forward your getting well and feeling better is all in your hands now to figure that out on your own and deal with it however you want to. I will post a list of your weekly chores of what is your responsibility - so now you have the list and I will not tell you OR remind you what should be done, refer to the list. I will ONLY tell you once to get out of bed each day and you need to get to work in one hour. I don't want to and WILL NOT be your Mother so the choice is yours on how you want to live your life. If you want to stay out all night with your friends then I suggest you think about being Single - if you want to live that lifestyle. Because I don't like it and I will not put up with it. The choice is yours - you can become Single and do as you wish, or stay Married and act like a Husband. Because NOW is the time you need to start making ME HAPPY and do the things that make ME HAPPY. And if you feel down and don't feel like cutting the grass (for example) whether you do it or not you will feel the same so just do it anyways and get it over with because I WILL NOT take excuses."

Basically it went something like that and he aggreed to it.

I did not tell him this part -

I also plan to keep a Journal of what happens each day, so I have it down on paper. So, I have something to refer to and can actually "SEE" if things are being accomplished or not.

This is my LAST attempt to mend our realtionship. I will give it some time and see how it goes.

Thanks to everyone (especially katie) for your strong words of encouragement - it gave me the strength to take a stand FOR ME and tell him exactly what I wanted to tell him!!!






Avatar for katieiswaiting
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Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 3:57am
Linn, You're very welcome! You're on my prayer list.

Katie

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Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:10am
I've read so many stories about how the DH blaims everything on the spouse but, that part is totally opposite for me. It was me who treatened to leave him if he doesn't change and it was him begging me to stay. >>>

This is how I am with my DH. I don't blame him for things, and yes I totally adore him, I think he is an awesome guy. My biggest fear is he will get frustrated with me and turn to someone else. Actually that is part of what motivates me to get better. I think many times men and women look at things differently though. If I didn't have my dh and my child and wasn't preg I probably wouldn't care as much, but I know my kids need me and I can't keep passing down this legacy of depression. He needs your support, but he also needs to know that you are a person and can only take so much. Marraige is not unconditional.

Shannon

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Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:13am
Depression is an illness, but it's an illness that the patient MUST take full responsibility for and have the initiative to seek proper help, not blame others, and not expect others to nurse them day and night. >>>

You are 100% correct. Both people in a relationship have needs, and it's not fair or healthy for one person to neglect themself in favor of the other.

Shannon

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Registered: 12-30-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 4:14pm
I hear what you are saying and I am not disagreeing with you. I need to find ME in all of this and I'm not sure where I am. And I don't think you are callous and cold-hearted you are just being honest and I appreciate that. I don't know what's going to happen in the long run. I still love him with all my heart and I'm holding out some hope that we can be like we were in the beginning. It may be a futile hope but I'm not ready to totally give up yet. I just hope I have the strength to hold out and/or the strength to do what is necessary should it not work out.

I understand what you did and I don't blame you a bit. Physical abuse is NEVER to be tolerated. Thank God my husband has never, ever been anywhere close to that. I wouldn't stand for that either.

I have been giving it some thought and I saw the therapist today. She was great and we had a great long talk. I go back next week. She let me go for awhile then made me stop talking about him. She said, "I'm really not interested in how he's feeling, you're my patient". It made me feel important. I haven't felt important in a long time.

Last night he came home from his therapist and I ask him if he made another appointment. He said the therapist felt they could just go with the group for now and see how it goes but if he began to feel bad again, to call and they would have more one on ones. I thought that was a good idea but my husband says "I'll see...I don't know how long I'll do this anyway". If I would have had a brick in my hand I would have hit him over the head with it. "What's that supposed to mean?!?!? Do you think once the 8 weeks of group therapy are over, that's it?!?!?" He shrugged and gave his usual answer to that type of question.."I don't know".

I have given this a lot of thought and my therapist sorta said the same thing. I will be there for him to love him but I will not care for him. He needs to take this responsibility alone. If he decides he will not talk to his therapist and "see what happens", he can well do it somewhere else. Maybe his mother will take him in. She seems to have all the answers. Let him live the rest of his life on her sofa.

Lin

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Registered: 12-30-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 4:25pm
My husband has never blamed me for anything. When he was first getting sick and I didn't know what was going on, I was blaming me, but he wasn't. When I would ask him what was wrong, if he was mad at me he would tell me I was being silly and I didn't do anything. But then he wouldn't talk to me for days and days and acted like I wasn't even there.

That whole summer I thought we were heading for divorce. We were married about 12 years then and I thought he just didn't want to be married anymore. The husband of a close friend of mine had just done that to her. Left to "find himself". I assumed it was a man thing and my husband was doing the same thing. It wasn't until years later, looking back on it that I realized it was the beginning of a depression that wouldn't fully strike for another 6 months.

As to your question, I think dealing with someone with depression is worse than being alone. You have proved to yourself that you are very self sufficient and are able to be your own person. You don't need another to make you whole. You are great by yourself. I feel the same way. I don't want to be with him because I need him. Yes, I love him, but I could survive quite well on my own. He has made me very capable since I end up doing practically everything. When something breaks in my house, my daughter calls me not him. When she was very small and one of her toys broke, it was me she ran to, not him. "Mommy can fix anything" she used to say. And I can!

As for finding someone else to love or love me. Fate! It will happen if it is meant to happen and in the meantime, if we had to, we would be just fine. I am perfectly capable of being happy. HE is the one who makes me sad. So no, I think living with them is worse.

Lin

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Registered: 12-30-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 4:31pm
It all sounds resonable and logical. Will it work? I haven't the slightest clue! I suppose like with any small child, the trick is follow through. We threaten and scream but when push comes to shove, we are still there, doing what we have always done. I suppose Katie is right. At some point, shove has to come to shove and we have to make an ultimate decision. I don't want that day to come, but we may not have any choice.

Is there anyone in here who has a happy endiing to these situations?!?!?!

Lin