Husband's Depression - the next round
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| Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:23pm |
I haven’t posted in days and days. Things have turned downward at my house again. My husband has not been to work for over a week. He says he just cannot bear the thought of going there and dealing with the stress. He just left in the middle of a day and has not been back. That was last Tuesday. He went to see his therapist on Friday and had a very long visit. The therapist told him he needs to go to work but after much discussion, they decided that if my husband felt he needed to stay home a few days, the therapist would back him up. Of course, as soon as he heard that, he stayed home.
I just don’t know what to think anymore. He told me last night he might go back to work on Wednesday after he sees his therapist again on Tuesday night for his Cognitive Behavior Group The project he was assigned to at work, the one he was in such a panic over, got cancelled. He’s going to ask the therapist if he can see him in addition to his group. Maybe the combination of these things will help limit his stress level a bit. But, THAT project got cancelled. Obviously, he will be assigned another one and, guaranteed, he will be stressing out over that within days.
My in-laws think he needs to get out of that job NOW. His mother calls him every day, sometimes twice a day, while I’m at work. She told him he should write a letter to his employer and request a lay off. She says he should tell human resources that he cannot do his job because of depression, anxiety, and stress and he feels he is doing the company a disservice and therefore, he requests they lay him off. This way he would be out of there, but would still be able to get COBRA health coverage and collect unemployment.
I’m not sure this would work. I think the company will just say no and wait him out. If he is that miserable, he will eventually quit, they will think. What do you think? Also, I don’t think running away is the answer. He will just have this problem with the next job he gets and the next. In this economy, who’s to say he will even find another job in a reasonable amount of time. I agree he needs to get a different job. I never thought he was the “sit behind a desk and shuffle paper” type of guy. As a computer programmer, he sits in a cubicle all day, staring at a screen trying to make the dots and dashes make sense. He hates it. I have no problem with him doing something different; I just don’t think this is the way.
It is true, he simply does not have the skills required to do this job. No amount of medication or therapy is going to give him any spontaneous knowledge. The job he was hired to do and the job he ended up with are two different things. Most of his stress comes from this fact. He just can’t do it, or do it to his own satisfaction. On top of that, he doesn’t like it. There is no doubt he needs a different job but what? He doesn’t want to do programming anymore.
His biggest concern is that if he goes back, it will all happen again because he can’t do the job. It seems to me if he goes into it with that attitude, it will happen again, and again and again. I don’t know what to tell him, or if I should tell him anything. He says he can’t deal with the stress of this job, trying to deal with his illness and get better, AND look for a new career all at the same time. It does seem overwhelming. I can’t do any of this for him and even if I could, everyone keeps telling me I should stay out of it and let him do it himself. It’s just so hard to watch. And I’m scared. I don’t want to be responsible for all the income. I don’t want us not having insurance. I just don’t know what’s in store for us.

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I don't know if it will work, either. But all I can say is I will give it some more time.
It seems from what I've read that everything will never be "rosy".
My friend told me last week - "It's like being an Alcholic: they will always be struggling and there is not a magic pill that will ultimately cure them."
I pray your husband never turns on you. I would have bet anything that mine wouldn't have turned on me because he "was" the most gentle, kindest person I've ever known. We met and began dating in 1979, and it wasn't until 1999 that the violence began. I will never judge anyone who elects to stay in any given situation, because I took him back after he struck out at me (it was pushing/pulling) but physical abuse is still physical abuse. After we were back together for about a year he took all my belongings (clothes mainly), threw them down the stairs, stomped all over them and then said, "Now you see how it feels to be walked on!". It was the next day we separated for good...all I could envision was me being thrown down the stairs next. And I kept remembering the "First time shame on him; second time shame on you" scenario.
My ex was a victim of child abuse and it's a miracle he didn't turn violent much sooner. He suffers from bipolar depression and borderline schizophrenia, and when you add in a history of abuse, it's no wonder he went into a lot of emotional rages. I'm not excusing him from taking his illnesses seriously.
We were in love once too, but the trauma did a toll on how I felt. During the good times he was my best friend and we shared many wonderful times; however, when he became a loose cannon he was a stranger I feared. In the beginning, the dark side of his personality seldom emerged; but as the years went by it surfaced more and more until I never saw the good side of him again. The hope I'd held onto finally died.
May God give you the strengh and perserverence to make your decisions.
Katie
To answer your (VERY GOOD) question about "happy endings" go to this Web Site
http://www.depressionfallout.com
There are a few threads on the subject.
I'm giving it time too, even though I do still fantasize (sp?) about running away. I saw my therapist on Thursday and she made me feel much better. I have another appointment this week. I saw my family doctor and he put me on Paxil for the anxiety. He said my heart was racing, my blood pressure was sky high and I was talking way too fast to be normal. He also wants me to go and have a stress test to be sure those chest pains I had really were from stress. He is 99.9% sure they were, but just to be on the safe side. I am 44 years old, out of shape and a bit overweight. I guess it doesn't hurt to be sure.
I have been on Paxil before. About 3 years ago I went though a stretch which lasted MONTHS where I couldn't sleep. I walked around like a zombie for months. I would wake up in the middle of the night, my mind filled with our problems and everyday living I couldn't get back to sleep. I existed for about a year on 1 or 2 hours of sleep a night. Looking back, I don't know how I survived it. I decided to take his advise on taking the Paxil because I don't want to go back to that. All the crying, low moods, lack of concentation, etc. has been enough, ya know?
I finally got the Depression Fallout book. I've only read about 75 pages but it is very informative. I haven't really read anything yet that is useful to me at the moment because the beginning of the book focuses on trying to get your partner to admit he is depressed and needs help. We are way past that. My problem now is getting him to realize that maybe his meds need to be adjusted and that therapy IS important to his treatment. I did find out one good thing at my session on Thursday. The phyiciatrist my husband will begin seeing next month at that practice is a FIRM believer in therapy. He WILL NOT treat and prescibe meds to ANYONE who is not in active thereapy. THANK GOD!!! In order for him to get his meds, which he willingly admits he needs, he MUST stay in therapy. He will not be able to stop going! That took a huge strain off my mind.
LIN
I pray to God it will never turn like that here. My husband is not bipolar. We have, in good times, joked that I wish he was, since then he would be UP sometimes. Of course, I don't mean that. Bipolar sounds like more of a hell than this depression is. He also did not come from an abusive background although I have never felt that his parents give him and his brother the type of attention they should have gotten.
Both boys were good boys. Good grades, good friends, never in any type of trouble. My husband was always the quite type, his brother more outgoing. Their parents probably never felt they needed, I don't know, guidance? It seems that a good kid just doesn't get the attention that other kids get. I mean, the kid who gets a bad grade on a test will get a good talking to. A kid with all A's goes along his merry way. A kid who mouths off gets yelled at and/or punished. A polite, quite kid, well, goes his merry way. My husband and his brother just went along their merry way. My in-laws were so wrapped up in working and making enough money to retire in comfort they were thrilled to have sons they didn't have to worry or work over. But I think that did a disservice to the boys. My sister-in-law is not happy with my husband's brother. She says he is distant, critical, wants everything his own way, is self centered. I think both boys were affected by their upbringing.
I don't think it's all heridity either. My husband and his brother are steps. My husband is the son of his mother, while his brother is the son of his father. The boys do not share a blood parent. My husband may have inherited some of his problem from his mother's side of the family but his brother (who's blood family has NO history of this type of thing) I believe got it from just living in that house.
I also think the fact that my husband is in the wrong profession is part of this too. His mother says she never pushed him into doing what he is doing. She never told him she wanted him to do any certain thing. I believe her. I think that's part of the problem. I don't mean a parent should make their child into what they want them to be, but I feel it is a parents responsibility to KNOW their child and try to point them in the right direction.
I know my daughter. She is outgoing, happy, friendly, loves the outdoors, loves animals, loves hanging with her friends. If she told me she wanted to be a programmer like her father I would encourage her to look to something else. I know she is not the type to be cooped up in a little cubicle, staring at a computer screen and a large pile of printouts never seeing a window or interacting with anyone except that screen. She would be miserable. If she told me she wanted to be a teacher, or a vetrinarian or a journalist, I would to all in my power to help her because she would be great at any of those things.
I know why my husband went into programming. It was the early 1980's and computers were becoming the next greatest thing since sliced bread. He knew he would always have a job and would be able to make money. He never took into consideration that he might not like it or that he might be happier with something else. He saw security and money and that was good enough. It was here, I feel, that someone should have said, "I don't think it's right for you".
I don't know. It's an old movie and TV joke. Whenever something is wrong with a man, blame his mother. Maybe I'm way off base.
Lin
Only you know your relationship, but usually with mental illness, things never go back to exactly the way they were beforehand...
That's not to say they can't be good, but in a different way.
I am struggling w/a similar situation. My husband is bipolar and has been hospitalized 9 times in the past 7 years (he's back in right now, in fact). Fortunatley our financial situation is such that he doesn't have to work. I work full time as an attorney and thats where we get the medical insurance. He got sick for the first time a year after we were married, until then he was perfectly "normal."
Things have never been the same since. We've had tons of good times too but frankly, its been a struggle. I love him but don't know if I can go through this forever. There's a medication his docs and I are trying to get him to take that could help A LOT, so I'm holding out hope for that. If not...well...I don't know what I'll do.
I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but from my experience, it does not. But I've gotten better at dealing with it, if that's any consolation.
Take care,
Leslie
Leslie, it sounds as though you have done a lot to take care of yourself in your situation.
He's been better this week. He went back to work and saw his therapist twice. He said on Friday night we should book our vacation for this summer. I didn't think he would want to since he doesn't want to spend any money because he "might have to leave my job". But since he suggested it, I did it Saturday morning before he could change his mind.
We usually go to the Outer Banks of North Carolina every summer. We love it there. It's so quite and peaceful with miles and miles of beaches. We can rent a condo with a pool right on the beach for around $1200. My daughter will bring a friend so my husband and I can relax and enjoy the quite. God, I wish I could move there.
It was actually my daughter who prompted this. She asked me the other day if I had made our usual reservations. When I told her I hadn't because I didn't know what was happening with her dad she said, "we have to go, it's the only place he's happy". When I told my husband this, he said, yes, we should go.
Lin
It's such a roller coaster. This week he is a bit up and things are looking decent. We booked our vacation for July. He's talking and laughing. We had a nice Valentine's day. But tomorrow is Monday, back to work. More than likely he will be heading down again very shortly.
I think that's what gets to me, what makes me so nuts. We would all love for them to be happy and "like they used to be" but we know that won't happen. But if they were down, and stayed down, it would be tough but we could adjust and learn to live with it. But it's this up and down, ever changing degrees of distress vs happiness that is so exhausting. Each time he "gets better" I feel like, maybe this is the time, maybe this time he's got a handle on it. My head tells me differently, but I can't make my heart see reason. Then he falls again and, to me, it always seems worse than the last time.
Is it because I keep that hope alive within me? Should I just throw in the towel and never feel happy again? I just don't know.
Lin
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