I think my DH is depressed....help pls

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I think my DH is depressed....help pls
6
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 6:38am
Hello everyone. I am new here and really need help for my DH. I think he is depressed and possibly bipolar. We have been together for 10 years, dated 5, married almost 5. He seems to cycle, going from being fine and happy to absolutely hating me. It is always me that is the problem and sometimes it is not even rational. Once when we were dating, he said he woke up one day and just didn't love or trust me anymore. He didn't know why, that was just the way he felt. Obviously we made it past that, but our problems never seem to get resolved, only ignored. Recently he has gotten worse, going through these stages more and more often. He seems to get no joy from life and has given up on all of his hobbies. He works, comes home and sleeps, watches sports on tv or plays fantasy games on the computer (sports). He has gained about 30 pounds and is very unhappy about it, but he won't go to the gym (we have a membership). In the past month, my father has passed away, his grandma was diagnosed with a brain tumor and my mom accused him of having an affair with a close friend of ours. I know he is stressed out, but as usual he has blamed everything on me. He is not having an affair, that is something he would never do, and I have fully supported him and defended him to my mother. But he still blames me because "I am an extension of her", whatever that means. Our marriage is in serious trouble because I am tired of him making me feel like I am the cause of all of our problems. I know I am not but I don't know how to make him see that. There is a history of mental illness in his family, his grandmother and aunt although I am not sure exactly what their diagnoses are. He has alienated most of his close friends, finding new ones and then pushing them away when they start getting close. He is bad to carry a grudge, still being mad at people over things that happened in 5th grade (we are mid 30s now). He never ever forgets what he perceives as a wrong. His brother and I have been talking and he thinks the same as I do. I am trying to think of examples to tell you. We have 2 small boys--2 years and 5 months--while I was pregnant he quit paying the bills because our rentor bounced a rent check to us. Again it was my fault for taking a check from her, but he didn't pay the bills for 2 months and then I started paying them again. He recently stayed out until 1 am at a bar and when I got mad told me it was my fault because he thought I had PPD and was going to hurt our children. In his mind I have been causing our 2 year old to fall because everytime he fell I was the one with him, nevermind that at the time I was staying home all the time with him. None of his falls have been bad, nothing broken, stitches or anything like that. DH is telling everyone that I am crazy and that I have PPD. I am not depressed, I enjoy my life, have a part time job, hobbies, etc. and my friends and family do not think I am depressed. How do I help my DH???

Kristen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:04am
At the very least he seems depressed. I don't know much about bipolar, b/c I personally sufffer from depression. No matter what though everything is NOT your fault. Have you tried seeing a marraige therapist? If not IMO it would be very wise. The thing to remember is that only he can help himself. You are not responsible for his feelings/reactions. If he is not willing to go to therapy with you, then you go alone, and you help yourself. Your boys need you. (((HUGS))
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:41pm


I sudder from bipolar disorder and he sounds alot like me I cycle very fast from happy to normal to very angry and I used to blame everyone for everything nothing was my fault it was everyone elses fault.

Iwent into therapy and am seing a pdoc and on meds and I a doing alot better I see things a little bit better and I dont blame the world now I just blame myself but I am working on it.

I would try to seek counseling for your husband and for yourself you will need all the support you can get right now, and he has to want the help and cant be forced to seek it.

I wish you alot of luck sweetie.

I hope your husband does something to help himself if not for you than for the two kids.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:03pm

(((((((Kristen))))))), I am so glad you found our board!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 7:53am
Thanks for your support Erin. We have talk pretty openly these past few days. My increased dose of med is helping alot. I am feeling much better. The thing is from past experieince I know I don't have to feel depressed and live like this. I have also learned not to be a complete taker from my husband, when I feel better I can be a giver to him as well as take care of my kids. Again thanks for your support.

Shannon

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:03pm
Hi kristin, Im so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Please dont be offended by this but I think he needs immediate professsional help. PLease get him to the doctor and a therapist. If he does not go then please go yourself and talk to your doctor about it, and find a therapist at least for yourself so that you can learn how to handle it the best way possible.

Please keep writing here too as it helps so many ppl. There is another woman on here who has a depressed husband. I think her post is up too. Maybe you can talk with her. Please take care, you are a really great person.

BIG HUGS

Avatar for katieiswaiting
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:23pm
Kristen, your husband needs to see a psychiatrist for an accurate diagnosis/treatment as soon as possible. You can't make him go; but you can help by encouraging him to make an appointment...and keep it! It won't go away on it's own and won't get better if it's ignored.

The worst mistake you can make is treating him like a child and trying to take control of the situation by doing it all for him...such as making the doctor's appointment (unless he has absolutely no access to a phone during the day).

Please don't attempt to diagnose his condition; depression is far too serious to play around with. And he may have other mental disorders besides depression.

Katie