TIRED of everything

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
TIRED of everything
1
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 3:44pm
I wanted to thank all you ladies for replying to my post I really appreciate all the ideas and positive vibes and support and I will try the things that all of you told me and hope that I can make some preogress.

I dont think that I am agoraphobic just too much self doubt I guess.

I am so tired these past few days, I get out of bed take a shower and I am ready to go back to bed before I start my day I go to work anyways do what I need to do go home excersize and then crawl under my covers for the rest of the night, I do this everyday unless I am watching my neice for my sister, I have just this overwhelming exhaustion these past few weeks, and it sucks.

I am not so sad or anything today things just dont feel right I can not explain it but it just doesnt feel right today like something is off or I am off I have told the guys I work with that I just feel so off today they seem to try to understand what I am talking about but it isnt the same.

I dont know what to say really its just all so odd I am not feeling down and I am not happy or overly happy or mad or frustrated or any of those things I am just kinda going with things letting each day pass until something better comes around.

My best friend Sareen is moving back home at the end of the month which I am happy about maybe that will lift me a little having her around again, I am stressed with bills and money and trying all these different ways to cut costs changed my insurance for my car paid off my car changed my cell phone plan I would get rid of my cell phone but I need it since we dont have a phone in the house because we all have cell phones and the computer is hooked up to a cable modem I dont buy things for myself no new clothes or anything like that yet I still have no money.

I am 29 years old I know that is young to some and old to others but got I feel like I am a hundred somedays older than that I think about things sometimes I over think I think about this disease that I have how I have to take medication just to function everyday of my life just to make sure I dont go crazy on someone and that makes me nuts, I try to help my sister understand what it is like to be me and I know that she will never understand and I know that I expect too much from her at times but it is so frustrating for me I see her and I wish I could be like her I wish I could be happy or just content for more than a second, yet something else I am so tired about.

I go to therapy I see a pdoc I take my meds I excersize do yoga listen to classical music when I need to relax light sented candles write in my journal when things really bug me I do what I can but is there anythin more?????????????

Sometimes I make myself laugh because I tell my friends what they can do to better themselves but god forbid I listen to someone when they tell me I am a hypocrit I swear I am I tell Sareen that she shouldnt drink too much or do drugs and as I am saying that I am putting diet pills into my mouth or vomiting up my food or taking laxatives telling myself I am weak and fat and a pig and worthless something else I am tired about.

I sit here and say to others that they are worth something that someone special will come there way soon yet I sit here with myself and say that I am not worth a dime cause I am alone and there must be something wrong with me cause I am alone why else why doesnt someone want me what is so wrong with me maybe I have been right all along maybe I am not worth loving maybe I am destined to be alone maybe I was right this whole time and everyone else was wrong that I was only worth something when my size was smaller when I was a size 0 and 90lbs rather than 105lbs.

I am sorry ladies for sounding like a child I am tired so very tired.

Thank you ladies for letting me post I love you all.

Erin


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 11:19pm
erin,

i hope you didn't think i was saying that you were agorophobic- that was me. i was just saying how terribly afraid i was of doing ANYTHING before, and i am doing things now i never thought i could. not that i am not still afraid of alot and scared of the world still sometimes, but i have gotten to a place that before seemed pretty impossible. i hope that offers some motivation. things have been really hard and i have had to fight my own body and mind for so long (and i still do) but i refuse to let it beat me. that's why i come here! when i feel like it is starting too, i know you and everyone else will understand like no one else can and help me pick myself back up! aw, big hug! :)

don't let stuff get you down. are you really only 105 pounds? that is SO skinny- please don't want to be skinnier than that! i know models that weigh 130 (they're taller, but even if you a shorter it is plenty comparable!). size 0 is no fun anyways- if it's too small to be a real number, then it is too small :) now i feel like i'm not helping anymore, so i will stop. i want you to know that i care about you though and i don't want you to beat yourself up. we have the whole worlds to beat us up and we can't control that- we can control how we treat our selves. my mom always tells me to stop being my own worst enemy. so i'll leave you with that motherly advise!