Still trying
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 02-13-2004 - 4:28pm |
However, I continue to feel frustrated and angry. I understand that he can only do what he can do but I miss my friend. He doesn't respond to my emails or phone calls asking how he is. He doesn't say anything to me at all. I get a handful of the touchy feely forwarded emails every week but nothing real. Part of me wants to continue to be there and provide him a lifeline when he is ready to grab it and the other part of me says this is too much work - he doesn't want me in his life. I feel like a desperate EX trying to get him to return (though this is not the situation, I just feel like it sometimes). I feel like common courtesy would be to say, I got your messages. Thanks. I'm doing ____. I get nothing and its hard to want to continue to give.
I know everyone handles their depression differently. When I was depressed (though not as severely as my friend) I withdrew but did not shut out those closest to me. Which is what I feel - completely shut out. I don't understand why he is shutting me out. I thought we were closer than that but apparently I was wrong,.
Any insight or support you can provide is appreciated. i know I can't help him - esp. if he won't let me in. But it doesn't make knowing he is going through this any easier for me.

I understand where you are at right now with your friend and how hard it is for you to stand by and see this happening to him and not being able to really do anything about it you cant make him call you or wite to you or reach out to you for help all you really can do is let him know that you are there for him and hope that he will reach out when he is ready.
I would let him know that the touchy feely emails are not what you want right now (unless you do want them) and that they dont make you very comfortable(unless you are okay with them).
When I was really bad and in a really deep depression I pushed everyone as far away from me as I could get thme I lost frineds because of it and lost relationshipswith family and I see now what I did and there is no excuse for me at all except that I am a bipolar person and it is hard at times but I could have reached out when I get bad I cant talk for real I lose my voice not literally but I just cant form words so I write letters and give them to those that are special to me just to let them know that things are bad right now and that I am sorry but that in time I will be alright and it works because they know that I need help when I reach for it and since they are informed if they want they will help me.
I wish you all the luck in the world right now with your friend and I am sorry that you are going thru this right now I wish I could say that things will get better for him but only he can determine that and all you could do is let him know that you are there when he needs it.
You dont have to drive yourself nuts over this you alone can not make him okay better more productive whatever the case with him is all you can do is let him know you are there for him dont chase him down just let it be for a bit maybe check in once a week or once every two weeks that would be great do what is best for you dont forget that you need to keep yourself sane also if you want to continue this friendship.
Take care hun, Ill keep you in my thoughts.
Erin
Hi, Tonitoons!
I have not pressed for any information nor have I tried to 'make' him talk to me or anything like that. In fact, I know very little other than that he has been in terrible pain, is (or was at one time) on meds and that he is in counseling. I know nothing about what triggered it.
As I said, there is no connection other than those touchy feely emails he copies me on every so often. I have often wondered if those where his way of staying connected without staying connected. I don't mind that he sends them, I just would also like to hear his thoughts on occassion as well. Ihave considered that he would rather I didn't know just how bad things are - typical man reasons of not wanting to appear weak. Which is also why I haven't pressed him on anything. I have a very strong sense of empathy so regardless of what he tells me or not, I KNOW that things are very bad for him. I am not in the loop. I know he does have other long time (also male) friends that he continues to see. At one point during a not so good time with us, he told me I was better off without him. So I have also considered that in some twisted way, he thinks he's doing me a favor. I just don't know what to think anymore.
The only thing I have been doing is to forward jokes or other things that I think he would like, I write him an occassional email about what's going and call periodially to say hello and ask how he is. It feels pointless sometimes - as if its all for nothing. I pray about this daily and ask God to help him and me too.
Toni
Hi Tonitoons
Let me just say in my mind, that anytime you reach out to a person or a friend to help, it is never a waste of time, even though you may not be getting the result you wish.
He is hurting very deeply right now and even though it doesnt sound like it; his comment, "you would be better off with out me" is a plea for you to stay.. He wants to hear you say, "thats not true, I do need you"
*hugs
I suppose when I get overwhelmed myself is when I need to step back and regroup. I don't talk to many people about my relationship with him, because my girlfriends see it as I am trying to get back with my ex (and it really isn't the case) or that he's a jerk or this or that. They have not shown that they understand my point of view. Mostly they talk about him in a very negative way and I don't want to hear it. He's not perfect, but he is someone I care about. Therefore I don't talk about him with too many people. I suppose this adds to my frustration.
I do take care of me - I stay involved with my other friends and activities taht I enjoy and am also out on the dating scene. I do things just for myself because I can and I want to.
thanks for your support.
Toni
Toni