I want to know that it will be ok.
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I want to know that it will be ok.
| Fri, 02-13-2004 - 8:29pm |
I don't need to know that im not that only one and that everyone goes through pain. I know life can be bad and i know it can be great, but that's not how it is for people with depression and i cant stand it anymore. My therapist and friends tell me how things will get better and how everyone has bad times. They don't know how bad my bad times are and that they're are hardly any happy moments anymore. the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that i can sneak off during lunch and smoke a bowl or two. I just want to know that things will be better, but i don't think they will. I really really don't. What is there to look forward to and what's there to be happy about. Im not looking forward to life, to having a family and complaining about work all the time like my parents. Im scared to grow up and be like them, and i'm scared to stay at the state i am now, becuse im just barely holding on. I'm not even sober for more than half the day and everything is a blur. Im here, but my head isnt almost always. I feel out of it and lonely and anxious, like something bad is just around and waiting to happen. I've been on zoloft for 5 months and it is sorta working i think. but it's hard to tell whats a good day and whats not its all a grey sorta blah day. where itll be ok if i just get some more drugs. god damn I am tired of only having something fake to look forward to. this is too terrible to actually live through and every time i get high its like im not even there. I havnt been sober for my geo phsyics class in over a week and i dont remeber anything i do on the weekends. The more i slip into this god damned depression the more i do. Im coping out i know, and just ignoring the problem or covering it with drugs but its too damn hard to deal with by myself. Ive only tried to kill myself once, i tried to overdose on speed and coke, but i stuck around anyway. can someone honestly say it gets better than this. is there even anything left in this world to stay around for?
out.
out.

Personally, even though I've had a rough time recently, I find that my therapist has been really helpful in teaching me "mindfulness" techniques, ways of focusing on the present moment, really participating in each moment instead of trying to ignore my feelings or make myself numb to them. At least this has allowed me to enjoy the small pleasures of life, even just a nice cup of hot chocolate and marshmallows (my own form of self-medication sometimes, although I think it's a relatively harmless one!).
You don't have to grow up to be like your parents and the other adults you see around you. If you focus on whatever tiny thing makes your day a bit better, eventually you'll learn what makes you "click"...and you can have a career that you truly enjoy. I can see a lot of myself in you...many times in the past, I've asked myself and others, "what is the point of going to a job that you hate every day, only to be able to support yourself in living a boring, completely unenjoyable life?" I'm not sure if that makes sense... but I have begun to catch a glimpse of what life can be like in the "rat race," and I don't want to have a life like that.
I'm not intending to depress you any more...I really hope I haven't. I mean to say that there are many people (maybe not the majority, though) who really enjoy and experience fully their lives and careers. For you, though, it seems like a major first step to reaching that goal would be to become drug-free. Anti-depressants can't do their job if you are taking drugs that act as depressants...and besides, it scares me to think of what the combination of all those drugs, prescription and not, might be doing to your brain and your body.
The fact that you don't remember what you do on weekends because of drugs is a strong signal that there is a serious problem...please, if you haven't already, talk to your therapist and doctor about this issue. It will be ok, but only if you accept help in order to stop the downward spiral into the foggy world of drug and alcohol use.
I hope that my words do not sound harsh...I've learned recently how much pain words can cause. I really want you to have a happy, or at least content, life...I am just concerned about you.
Please post again and let us know how you are doing,
Rose
I have been in your shoes and once I quit the dope, alcohol, etc my happiness slowly returned. I quit being a victim and started taking responsibility for my actions and that helped me tremendously. I used to dwell on all the bad times in my head over and over further depressing myself. I ended up in rehab last year. I am now 1 yr 2 months clean and sober. It took some time for my hapiness to return but everday I didn't use to cope I reminded myself that any time I brought up old yucky thoughts it was not my reality today. They were memories and nothing more than that. Thoughts are what creat our feelings and although we can not always choose our thoughts we don't have to stroke them, dwell on them, etc. It might help to attend a narcotics anonymous meeting because you said yourself you can not do it alone and NA or AA is a "we" program. Psychology of mind principles helped me as well taught in the book The Serenity Principle. I believe there is a web site too. There is hope it will get better and you can change the core belief inside of you to believe that it will get better and that there is help. Make a decision and just do it. Regards, Regina
As far as having nothing to live for...well I can tell you that there is plenty...but you have to feel that in your own heart. You are young (I presume from your taking classes) which is a very tough time in everyone's lives. I am more confident and secure at 33 than I ever was in high school or college, during both of which I was a basket case. If you fight through this you will find so many wonderful people and experiences are waiting for you.
I wish you all the best, take care of yourself.
Hi hun,
Your right , I dont know if I can know that everything will be OK for you.. what is OK for you is up to you.. Your life is yours to live and make of it what YOU want it to be.. But by the same token that means.. you DONT have to end up like your parents or be anything You dont want to be!
*hugs
I checked for this book at Amazon.com.