Scared to write...(poss. trigs)
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| Sat, 02-14-2004 - 1:16am |
I don't mind the work too much, either, monotonous as it is...maybe unfortunately, I am much more content to sit at a computer all day than to face the constant social interaction of a job as a waitress, for example. Still, the people I work with are very friendly and joke and turn the radio on, all of which helps a lot...and I'm sure that it is helpful to me to interact with *someone* every day, instead of staying in my apartment alone.
At the risk of whining, though, I haven't yet adjusted to the schedule...I feel like there is never enough time to sleep or do anything else besides prepare for, and recover from, work...I am hoping that this weekend (and getting back to mild exercise) will help lift me out of this sleepy, exhausted fog. I know that an 8-to-5 schedule is normal for most people, and that my days as a med student and doctor would be much longer...I'm worried, needless to say, but trying to take it one day at a time.
Because I put on a happy face for work, I think I have had an easier time numbing myself to my feelings. My therapist this week pointed out to me that I was smiling the whole time I talked about this past weekend and my serious thoughts of self-harm. I missed my other therapy appointment because I fell asleep...and now all my roommates are gone for the weekend...but I think I will be all right, even if I do cope by ignoring my feelings.
You can't imagine how long it has taken me to write even this much...and I've gone through several revisions already because I am scared that my words will show my true, unlovable self. The pattern in my life has seemed to repeat itself once more: I get to know people or spend enough time with them, and I think everything is going fine...and then later on, they tell me how much I have annoyed or frustrated them all along.
This has happened more times than I can count...with roommates, several host families while I was studying abroad, my one boyfriend...the list goes on. Maybe I am seeing it in an inaccurate, depression-driven mindset...but this has been a pattern that has troubled me for years. I have discussed it with a therapist before, and he told me (as my current therapist tells me) that I cannot "read minds" and know for sure that others are thinking negatively of me.
But too often, I have NOT known that others disliked me, until it was too late and they finally told me...so now I feel I cannot trust my own judgment in gauging other people's perceptions of me. I'm sure this plays a part in my unwillingness to get involved in any close friendships or romantic relationships...and now I even think it has a large role in my preference for temporary, instead of long-term, jobs...even if I annoy my co-workers, I figure there is not enough time for their negative thoughts to fester and turn into an explosion of anger at me later on.
Possible triggers to come.......
For probably six or so years, I have thought that when my mother dies (which is hopefully far off, I pray...she is very healthy and not old), I will have no reason to keep living...since for most of these years, I have kept from seriously harming myself only because I don't want to hurt her. I am very grateful for her...but I feel that there is not another person in the world I could trust not to turn on me...and I often imagine that even my mom is very annoyed by me...she has said I cause her a lot of stress.
I have just begun to wonder if these feelings of mine border on paranoia...I honestly feel that everyone I know secretly thinks of me as disturbed and disturbing, whiny and weak and lazy and any other negative thing out there...and that they will eventually tell me how much they dislike me...but maybe I just have too much time on my hands to think (ha!) because work is done for the week. Funny, I have been wishing for just a few more hours of sleep all week, and now that I have the chance, I stay up late writing another post all about myself! I sincerely apologize...I do really care about you all...and you have more than enough reason to ignore or even despise me.
So here's my disclaimer: I know that I have a great life, supportive parents, a job, few responsibilities, lots of opportunities...especially when I think about the hardship others go through in third-world countries and even in the U.S., I realize that I have absolutely no grounds for complaint. And I apologize for complaining. OK, I guess I really should go to bed...thanks for listening...hope you all are doing well.
Rose
P.S. It's amazing how much I end up writing even when I title my post "scared to write"...I think my best Valentine's Day gift to the board would be a moratorium on my long posts, at least for a while!

No moratoriums allowed!
*hugs
I'm sorry that you struggle with fatigue as well...I know how much more difficult it can make life. My whole life, I've been a "night owl," despite my best efforts to get to bed early and wake up early...I managed throughout college to make it to my 8 A.M. classes, but it was always a huge struggle. I would have no trouble working all night and sleeping during the day! But I know I need to try to adjust to the "normal" daytime schedule...I will look into light therapy, as you mentioned, although I don't think I can afford a light box now on my slightly-more-than-minimum-wage salary...but maybe just getting out more during my lunch hour would help.
I've also tried taking melatonin at night, particularly when I had just returned from an overseas trip...but it seemed only to add to my grogginess in the morning. I will do some more research on other things to try, though.
I do apologize again for my long, self-centered posts...even though I know you say that it's not a problem. I will try to focus more on posting to support others instead.
But of course I still have one last question...do you think my difficulty with trusting other people is mainly a part of depression, or another problem? I find it very hard to believe even my therapist (who has been only kind and non-judgmental and a great therapist in general) when she says that she does not secretly perceive me in a negative way. I'd like to get over this problem with trust, but I don't know where to start...or even if I should start, because in my mind trusting another person will most likely just lead to more heartache when that person turns on me.
Thanks again for listening...and happy Valentine's Day! :)
Rose
Hi again Rose!
Hmmmm I know that everything is somewhat inter related
*hugs
I have felt very much the same way that you have. I always felt like I was struggling with pain and not having as much energy as other have. When I've taken very good care of myself, I have been able to work full time, but I have still spent a lot of my time recovering from work, just to go back.
I've also had the pattern of having people tell me that I "drag them down" or am "too intense." In fact, just over a year ago, my best friend wrote me a nasty email that I received on Christmas morning saying that she just couldn't deal with my negativity and constantly blaming the past of my unhappiness.
The ironic part of that is that I felt like she was a very negative person. I never really had fun with her. In fact, I felt like I was usually trying to make things fun while she was complaining.
I've also had the fear that I'm "too much" for other people. I've thought someone was a good friend, only to have them pull the rug out from under me. One girl told me that being around me made her "tired." That was a big blow to me because I really liked her and enjoyed spending time with her.
Over the years and with the help of therapy I've realized that the situation is probably a combination of factors on both sides. I know that my depression over the years has made me difficult to be around at times, especially when I've really opened up during the darker times.
But I've always had a fun side, even a silly side, that I've noticed that some people have an equally difficult time dealing with. In fact, I find that people are as judgmental of me having fun as they are of me talking about real feelings. It left me usually feeling like people couldn't deal with who I really am.
I've learned to accept my needs for more down time than many other people have. That's just the way that I am. No point in tormenting myself for something that I can't change about myself. Now I just indulge my needs because it makes me happy to do so.
I think that many people can't accept others who are honest and real about their feelings. I've learned that people who haven't faced their own pain freak out when other people talk about their pain, or anything else real for that matter. The most important thing to me in relationships is feeling like I've really connected with someone. However, a lot of people I've met just want to keep things on a superficial level.
By the way, I ran into the girl who said I made her tired last year at my 10 year reunion. I realized while talking to her that she's really judgmental and miserable to be around. I can't believe that I was so insecure in college that I missed the fact that she was nasty. I told her that what she had said to me had hurt me. She told me that she hadn't meant it to hurt me, but that I was "intense." I asked her what that meant. She told me that her husband was the same way. She said that they are in therapy and the therapist told him to talk to her in simple concepts to explain what he was talking about. It's not that she's dumb. She graduated from Berkeley in the sciences. But I think that she's close-minded and not used to thinking about things in a different way than she always has.
Another example I can give you is with my family. They act like I'm an emotional wreck. But the fact is that they don't talk about emotions. The fact that I do makes them think I'm weak and crazy. I was talking to my middle brother about relationships a few years back. I told him that the reason tht my relationship with my dh had worked so well is that instead of yelling at each other, we tell each other our deeper feelings. For instance, we take a moment to look at what's really going in inside of ourselves. Then we will tell each other the truer, deeper level of what we are feeling. I'll say something like, "When you say that, I feel scared that you won't love me anymore." Then we compare it to some core time in our life, the first time we cam remember feeling that way.
I learned this technique from some therapists I used to go to. It's called "The Microscopic Truth." It helps people understand each other better during stressful times, rather than blaming each other and closing off to each other.
When I told my brother about this he said, "Wow, I can't imagine ever telling someone that I was scared."
It was so weird, Rose! I can't imagine NOT telling someone I was scared. But it shows you the difference between people who are real and authentic and people who are living as a facade, trying to avoid the deeper feelings that they are running from. Those people who are afraid of their feelings will always be afraid of other people's feelings. When they hear about your feelings, they want to run away from you. That's because it brings up all of the intense, buried feelings that they are doing everything in their power to avoid. You are reminding them of the pain they are spending all of their energy avoiding. Of course you freak them out!
I think there's a balance. I think it's important to be real. It's important to take care of yourself according to whatever you are going through at the moment. It's also important to have enough people, therapists, and coping mechanisms in your life that you aren't always down or always relying on the same person or couple of people to help you out.
I'm finding that I have great connections with people who have gone through at least some therapy and are dedicating their lives to healing. They can handle me being real in the moment.
I've also learned how to express my frustration without putting my emotions out there like I'm expecting someone else to fix it or put all of their energy towards me. I used to do that a lot. I know I did. I remember being depressed and let down when someone would get off the phone with me, no matter how long we had talked. I think I was a psychic leach at times. I had such a black hole inside of me and I wanted someone else to make it better.
However, I now realize that no one else had any power to make it better. They could support me and tell me about their own experiences. But they couldn't fill my dark hole. Sometimes I still go into that dark hole, but I have relief from it now, as well. I'm relieved by my ability to accept and appreciate what I have in life. I really focus on cuddling up in bed and thanking God for being able to sleep in a soft, cozy bed. I slowly surrounded myself with things that I love, like watching or taping my favorite shows that make me happy, having a dog, being girlie, taking naps, and eating M&Ms (my only vice, except for the naps).
I gotta tell you, Girl, Cognitive Therapy did wonders for me because it helped me to stop being so perfectionistic and extreme in my thinking. That kind of thinking doesn't go away overnight, but it has helped me. Actually, I feel like I need to go in for a "tune-up."
I think it's so excellent that you can get through the day at work. That's an amazing accomplishment. It wasn't that long ago that you were worried you'd never be able to hold down a job. I've been in that position myself. I think a lot of the healing process is celebrating and giving yourself credit for every step forward. You've taken a lot of steps forward. I know that you have big goals, but you can only reach them one step at a time.
I seriously doubt if you posts are longer than mine! I figure that if people don't want to read my posts, they won't. But I like to include everything that I can that might help someone. You never know what will connect with someone else!
Take Care,
MariaC
Rose -
From your post I sense that you used to be in school and waitiressing and now work an office job?
Smoochdog (aka Michelle)
Well, doesn't it feel great to have all those thoughts written down now, and hopefully off your mind? I find that when you write, it sort of reorganizes your thoughts so that you don't have to worry about them. This site, to me is sort of like a diary, except it responds and helps you out! :) The fact that you smile when you say you think about self-harm is a little disturbing to me. You have got to show your emotions, otherwise you won't know when you are sad or happy anymore. I used to do that, and then I would be thinking about suicide, and still be smiling. That sort of worried my therapist, and she suggested that I start a diary instead of locking my emotions inside and never looking sad/worried. She said I was like a 'vault'...and my feelings/thoughts were locked and no one could get to them. I guess that makes sense.
Also, don't think that people you know don't like you. There may be some people who you call friends who secretly dislike you for one reason or another, but that doesn't apply to everyone!!! I think that it would be safe to say that everyone on this site likes you. Just don't worry about what other people think about you, just worry about what YOU think about you, because that is the most important thing, and that is what matters most.
People always have little worries in the back of their minds wondering if their loved one will die soon, and how they will continue to live without them. I have little worries like my parents and sister dying. I know it may seem like you are paranoid, but you really aren't. If you care about them that much that you worry about the future when they are no longer living, you must really love them. Try to just be glad they are alive now, and don't dwell on things. That is what really screws up your brain. If you sit and worry about one thing for a long time, you won't be able to stop thinking about it and then you will crack under the pressure. (Believe me, I know)
It is perfectly alright that you wrote so much. I bet there are people here that write even more than you! :) It is nice to know that you weren't scared to write this time. I am glad that you have shared this, and gotten some of the burden off of you. Take care, Rose.
(((((HUGS)))))(((((HUGS)))))(((((HUGS)))))(((((HUGS)))))(((((HUGS)))))
From,
Kathryn
But I am really grateful to you all...your support has been a wonderful Valentine's Day present, even though I don't have a relationship in "real" life.
So thank you, and I hope you all have a great (or at least manageable!) week,
Rose