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| Sun, 02-15-2004 - 10:53pm |
i'm in college, i'm a freshman in my second semester. i've always been depressed, on and off. my grandmother is bipolar, my mom also suffers from depression. we rarely talk about it. i'm terrified to bring it up to my mom, i've hinted before at my emotional problems, but she doesn't seem to take me seriously. it's a strange situation, since my mom and i are extremely close, yet i'm scared to let her know how screwed up i am inside.
i think about killing myself nearly every day. i have taken tons of tests online and i generally always get teh same answer- depression. the only thing is, i don't feel consistently depressed for days and weeks on end. my depression is different- i am ok for a few hours, and then devastated and completley submerged in my own self pity for hours. Then I snap out of it, snap back in, snap out, snap back in, etc. I don't know what brings it on, because it's so frequent. I know that it is worse now than ever.
i've always been a social person, and nobody knows or even questions how i am on the inside. since college started, i have slowly lost almost all desire to be around people. i sit in my dorm room, alone, with my door shut every night and cry. i get online and stay online for hours.... searching for answers, trying to figure out what can make me happy.
i'm so confused, because i don't know WHY i'm not happy, and i don't know what would make me happy. i go to my parents house, which is 3 hours away, nearly every weekend. it's not because i'm homesick, it's just that i have a few friends from high school back home, and my family. lately when i go home, i get just as depressed because my friends from high school are busy with their own lives, and i can't really spend time with them. i feel like it's just this horrible cycle!
i'm so scared of going into counseling or therapy. the thought of taking anti depressants terrifies me. i don't want to live my life relying on a pill to keep me "normal." at the same time, it's exhausting to go through every day waiting for my mood swings to subside. i don't want my family to know that i'm not happy, even though they'd probably understand. maybe it's some kind of denial??? i don' tknow.
i hate not being able to get out of this rut! i went to a therapist/counselor/whatever a few years ago, as a teenager, and it didn't help at all. not only am i scared of talking to a therapist or being on medication -- what if i find out i'm more than depressed? i don't know if i can handle having a serious (not that depression isn't serious) mental illness like my grandmothers bipolar depression, or something even worse.
is there some way i can get through this without telling anybody??? sorry this is so long, if you made it this far thank you. i am so desperate to feel better.

Natalie Welcome!
Unfortunately Im on
*hugs
Bingo, don't feel ashamed, it's a disease. My depression is like yours in some ways, one day I'll feel ok and the next horrible. Medication balances me out, and Caly is right not everyone has to be on meds forever. You do not have to feel this way, there is help, you just have to take advantage of it. I was the same way as you describe in collage and came home to live after a yr, but unlike you I didn't realize it was depression. Get help sweetie it's there, no one has to know about it, you have every right to keep it to yourself and the health care laws protect you. (((hugs))
Shannon
Welcome, ((((((Natalie))))))!
~stephanie
First off, I didn't read everyone else's response so sorry if I repeat anything. I wanted to have your post on the bottom so I could reference it.
It's good that you have done some research, that is a great step. I don't know if you have read this, but depression can run in the family. My mom has depression, my dad and so does my sister.
BTW, I am 25. I have had depression for as long as I can remember. So I can relate to being 19 and depressed! Please feel free to email me through my profile. You can just click on my user name, and it will say "email me" click on that.
Do you feel that you can't talk to you mom? She of all people should understand. Maybe she doesn't feel as if she should bring it up to you. You never know unless you try! I would encourage you to talk with her about it. But only do it if you are comfortable!
Alot of us here wear what we refer to as the mask. It's what we put on to make it through the days. I can't even think of the number of times someone at work here has said "you can't have depression, you are so bubbly and full of life". And I am...at work. Rarely has anyone seen the "real me". And that can be really tiring, right? That is why alot of us, and it sounds like you, too, will go home and not want to do anything or see anyone.
Meds aren't so bad. I know at first they seem really scary and daunting. But they really aren't! Most, if not all, anti-depressants aren't addicting. I don't know how I would make it without my meds.
I have to cut this off, I have a terrible headache.
Pamela