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| Mon, 02-16-2004 - 11:22am |
POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!!!!!!!!
The following is an email I sent to my sister who lives in Texas. We're 15 months apart in age, I'm older. We're generally EXTREMELY close, but lately, it's been very strained. I'm getting married in 8 weeks and right now I feel like if I burn every bridge to my family, I would be a MUCH happier person. I'm trying right now to get back in with my therapist I was seeing last year, but I'm not sure if they take my new insurance, so we'll see. Anyway, here's the email:
A couple of months ago you told me that I was able to count on you if anything were to happen because of my relationship with Eric. That I should always know that you were there for me, even if Mom wasn't. I have tried on couple of occasions very recently to ask you for help. To tell you how I feel and at least vent so that I don't feel like I'm going crazy. Your response has been that I'm "on your own" when it comes to Mom. Well, I can't do that anymore. I feel that I am completely alone right now. I drove to work this morning doing everything I could to talk myself out of having a freaking nervous break down. I slept like crap last night. I feel so emotionally and physically drained it literally hurts to walk or breathe and I feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to about how I feel. Eric gets upset that I feel this way because he can't do anything about it, Kim has her own mother to deal with and there really isn't anyone else. I'm sitting at work typing this praying that no one walks in the door to see tears runing down my face.
Eric and I got in to a huge fight yesterday to the point that I actually laid my ring down next to him and asked why he gave it to me. I lost it Ang, totally 100% lost it. He had to hold me up so that I wouldn't fall to the floor. Prior to this, we'd argued for 4 hours over money. how I'm the one worrying about it because right now I'm the only one with a job. He hates the fact that he has no comprehension what it's like to pay bills or live by a paycheck. And while I agree with what I think you're thinking, it's not enirely his fault. Remember that he grew up in an environment where NO ONE lives paycheck to paycheck or knows what WIC is for or can honestly know what it feels like to struggle financially. Yes, he's 30 years old, lives at home and has been taken care of all his life. Until now, until he met me, he's never wanted to do anything different. He's trying to change. He's cashed in his Sony stock and some of his savings bonds and opened a bank account for us (with about $8000) to move on. He tries to reassure me that it's all going to be okay, but I still worry. At least now, after we finally talked about why I worry SO much, I feel like a lot of the burden has been lifted off me because now we're sharing it, I'm not the only one worrying anymore.
She told me this past week that it's time my "free ride" ended. Um, okay, just because I haven't paid financially for the past two years, doesn't mean I haven't paid emotionally or mentally. I now feel that moving home two years ago, whether right financially or not, was the WORST decision I have ever made in my life and WORST experience in my life. Worse than staying with Jerome, worse than getting fired from the one job I have truly loved, worse than imagining my life without you.
I swear that I'd sooner take a handout with strings attached from Maureen and Tony than to have to ask Mom and Dad for anything anymore. At least with Maureen, you know what you're getting. With Mom, you don't anymore. With every passing day, she becomes more like Grammie than is fathomable. Even to the point that every conversation somehow gets turned around to be about Emma. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing about what Emma's doing in school and about everything that Aidan, Ross, Niklas, Scott and Dylan are doing, I guess I'd just rather hear it from you and CJ, not from Mom all the time. I noticed this a while ago, and I just figured it was because Emma's the oldest and does the most and can get on the phone with them. At the same time, you have two other children that are hitting milestones and CJ has his own three. Sometimes I feel like a second-rate family member because I'm not on my own with my own family. That because I made some bad decisions, I'm going to be punished over and over while Mom sits back and gives off this "La La La, I'm perfect and you're not, let me push you further down."
I'm sure some of my feelings are self-inflicted. In fact, I'm postive of that a lot of is self-inflicted, however, I don't need anyone helping me feel WORSE. I need quite the opposite really. It would be nice if someone other than Eric would say it's going to be okay, that it's going to work out that I can stop worrying myself sick and to the point of exhaustion. Unfortunately, there isn't anyone.
Maybe you're sitting there reading this thinking, "Oh my god Andrea, get a grip and get over yourself." Well you know what? Screw that. You're telling me I'm on my own and I haven't quite decided if that's because you don't want to get in the middle because you know I'm right and don't have the balls to give support you promised or if it's because you genuinely have too much of your own stuff to worry about, like wine and Polish pottery, that you can't help anyone else. And before you go off half-cocked, think back to the last time I tried to talk to you......you told me that you had enough to worry about trying to get your wine through customs! I would seriously help you in any way I possibly could and I would never ever tell you you're on your own. If anything happened to Tom, I'd quit my job and move to you to be with, regardless if it was here, Texas, or Timbuktu.
CJ? Christ, he really is wrapped up in his own problems and he's never been there for me before, why should I expect him to be there now?
Dad? Yeah right, even IF he thought I was in the right, he'd never say it in front of Mom. When Mom threw a temper tantrum about being "chief cook and bottle washer" while you and Tom were on vacation, he came downstairs after me and basically told me that I was in the right and that there was no way I was going to get her to change or even open her eyes that there were two other adults in that house at least entertaining the kids so she could get things ready. She gave him dirty looks for days while you were gone and after you got back. She plays the role of martyr so well. It's no freaking wonder I don't ask for help. I have Mom as a role model of doing it all alone, without help or input and doing everything right, never making a mistake. I mean, don't forget, she had a full-time family with two high school daughters and a husband who well, drank too much, a full-time job and still managed to graduate with honors. And how DARE I fail at something? (yes, this is truly how I feel)
I was finally at a point in my life where I thought I could finally start asking for some help and I can't get any. It's pretty sad that I'm considering going back to therapy just so I can have someone to talk to, someone who should be there for me because I can't really count on my family right now.
The next 8 weeks can't go by fast enough. I can't wait to move away and not worry about making anyone else happy but me and Er

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Sweetie,