sorry havent been around, thinking alot
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| Wed, 02-18-2004 - 11:07am |
Hey ladies,
I know that I have not been around alot these past few weeks, things have been good I suppose just alot of thinking has been going on in my head......
I got into a fight with my ex yesterday about what I dont know we were talking about me buying a car in the next few months and then he told me he put a bid on a house which is great but he is the type of person to start something and never finish it and I told him that I was glad to see he was setting goals for himself and that I hope he follows thru and gets all that he is looking for, and he got upset told me to "you know what myself" and that made me mad so I told him that it would probably be better than when I was with him and then we went back and forth and we are both at fault so thats that I am sure that we wont talk again for along time.
I have been thinking alot maybe too much I go to therapy tonight and I dont feel like talking because when you talk you make them real and that makes it harder to face yourself each day when I ignore things it makes it better for me because I dont have to face myself I can lie to myself when I talk it makes it worse and I feel worse I know in reality that I do have a problem I know that I can not be this way forever but it just seems that when I get one thing under control another pops up and I get tired, I find out I am bipolar take meds they help find out I have slight ocd so I start to watch myself the meds help alot I find out that I can not have things go smooth in my life that I dont feel right when things are quiet so I make caos in my life and that is my fault but I can not live with the quiet.
So anyways I have been thinking I know I have some form of an eating disorder it isnt as bad as it was a year ago where I would go a week without touching food and I would have an anxiety attack if I was unable to work out but now I am okay if I miss a day or two I try to work out at the least 5 days a week I used to take laxatives and I dont do that anymore I used to vomit and I stopped that so I have made great strides but I still poke and prod at my body I still analyz it to no end I have not weighed myself because I know I will go riht back down to that place again I do take diet pills and water pills (only when I am bloated) and I try to eat once a day I know I have aproblem but I dont know if I want to fix it .......
Thanks for listening ]
I am not expecting a reply so dont worry if there is nothing to say just needed to vent a little.
]Erin

((((((((((((ERIN))))))))))))
Blessings,
co-CL of Depression Support