Broken trust, horrid day (poss. trigs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Broken trust, horrid day (poss. trigs)
2
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:25pm
I don't know what I feel...my eyes are swollen from crying, and I am thinking seriously about not going back to therapy. Sorry this is so abrupt...I just can't seem to find the right words. All of this is because of something my therapist told me today, and we spent the whole session talking about it. I was already exhausted from work, and now I'm just...numb and disappointed in the one person I thought I could trust.

Basically, my dad called my therapist to ask how I was doing (since I don't talk to him about it). My therapist tried to express to my father that she was concerned about my going to med school, but my dad didn't seem to listen, apparently...he said he thought med school would make me happy, and that I am doing much better now because of my plan to go to med school (which I agree with, at least to some extent).

My therapist said she just felt frustrated because my dad didn't seem to hear her concern...so she ended up telling him about my very minor overdose a week or so ago. Now, I did have to sign a contract stating that my therapist could talk to my parents about certain issues, including self-harm...but even my therapist told me today that this was definitely a "gray area" (for a variety of reasons, partly because it had happened a while earlier, so I was in no imminent danger)...and she apologized profusely for her actions, and told me that I was not to blame (which is hard for me to believe because I'm the one who took the pills in the first place).

But the strange thing is, my therapist had this conversation with my dad last Thursday or so...and I haven't heard a word from either him or my mom about it. My mom even came up to visit me this weekend (and my dad tells her everything my therapist says), and she acted very normal. Anyway, my therapist says she'll talk with her supervisor about changing the "contract" to specify that she only contact my parents when I am in "imminent danger"...it's either that or go into the hospital, she said, and while I would actually rather go to the hospital, I can't afford to and don't want to either.

I wasn't sure if I was angry at my therapist, even though she told me I have every right to be. I guess I was for a little bit...and my therapist was concerned that my anger would turn to self-hatred, as it has several times in the past. I have some of that... but really I think I'm just disappointed and hurt that there seems to be no one I can trust...I feel completely alone and even alienated from the human race.

There have been so many discussions at work this week which have made me feel already really distanced from other people...I work with a group of people who are very nice, but several of whom enjoy hunting deer...and they joked with me about my vegetarianism and talked on and on about the ways they prepare deer meat...which I don't think I took too seriously (I was not hurt that they didn't share my views)...but somehow it is hard for me to feel connected to people who can look down the barrel of a gun at a young doe and pull the trigger...and pose with the dead animal afterwards for photos (which I saw).

I'm sorry, I know this isn't a political forum, and I imagine that most people here aren't vegetarians and some may even hunt...so I'm not trying to offend anyone. I'm just saying that I feel like humans don't seem to have much humanity these days sometimes. So when my therapist told me about her conversation with my dad, I wasn't so much shocked and hurt (although I was both of those things to some degree) as I was disappointed. I guess I wasn't even that surprised, since I have begun to feel like no one can be trusted anyway...so why should I expect more from my therapist?

In her defense, she did say she thought in hindsight that telling my dad was the wrong thing to do...and she would change her behavior for the future. She even told me she can relate to me more now because she felt frustrated by my dad's failure to listen, as I have many times in the past...I have similarly ended up going to extremes (winding up in the hospital, etc), maybe partly in order to make him finally realize how horrible I've felt. But I don't even talk to him anymore, other than small talk...and yet I still seem to jump to extreme measures anyway!

I know this was long and whiny and all that, and I'm sorry. It was good to get it off my chest. I don't know if I will go back to therapy (although knowing me, I will because I always do...and because I have absolutely no one else to talk to...besides you all, of course!). Right after my therapist told me what had happened, I could feel myself withdrawing from her and from the world...wanting to act "professionally" (even though I was sobbing) instead of telling her my true feelings. Maybe I have just lost trust in people too many times...maybe it is good that I can just feel numb now.

Thanks for listening, and I would love any suggestions or help you can offer,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:57pm

(((((((((((Rose))))))))))), honey, you weren't being whiney.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:59pm

((((Rose))))...That was a violation of your right to privacy!

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