Birthday blues... advice please?
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| Fri, 02-20-2004 - 10:12am |
Sorry, but this is going to be a long post...
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 33.
I've been on and off meds since 1996. Finally got my act together in 2002, found a shrink I like, and have been taking my 20 mg of celexa a day meticulously since then. It has made a world of difference in my life. i still have a few ups and downs, but no more than an average person. I've been married for 11 years to a very caring and supportive man. We have two kids aged 4 and 9.
Despite knowing that he loves me, my birthday causes me immense pain every year. I mean, it falls on the same day every single year, you have 355 days to plan... early on in our marriage, when the birthday thing first became an issue, he told me that he needed for me to tell him what I'd like him to do. So I've been doing that. Well it doesn't seem to make the slightest bit of difference. It's been the same story every year for the past eleven years.
Anyway, he was supposed to take me out for dinner the night before my b-day. That fizzled because he works a night job and wasn't able to be late that evening. After almost two years, I felt so sad and disappointed that I spent the whole evening crying my eyes out even though I knew it wasn't his fault. i cried myself to sleep.
That night, he seems to have dashed out to a toy store near our home and picked up a jigsaw puzzle (I'd enjoyed doing one when my leg was broken a couple of months ago.) He also emailed me a poem that he found on a Web site and a yahoo e-card. Basically, that was it. I was miserable. We went out for a very perfunctory and unenjoyable lunch. I was near tears throughout. After he went to work that evening, I cried my heart out again.
I know that a lot of people don't even get that much on their birthdays and maybe it is childish to want to celebrate. However, for me it is the effort and thought that counts (and I have explained this many many times.) i was feeling sad, disappointed, un-special, and deeply heavy-hearted at the thought that we go through this every year.
The day after my birthday (today) I was struggling all day to keep it together and succeeding to some extent. Towards evening he began a conversation about finances (this is not a hot-spot for us) and when the conversation took a turn he didnt like he simply got up and said he had to go to work. I simply went and lay down as I had no energy. he then comes into the room and lovingly tells me that I need to go see the doctor because I have been weepy and unhappy for two days.
Does anyone else experience a DH pulling this "you need to check your medication" each time you get upset? How do I deal with that? I feel I have legitimate reason in this case to be upset. It's like he's brushing aside my feelings by attributing my negative emotions to depression. On the other hand -- could he be right? I am feeling confused and miserable. Please help.
Thank you...

Happy Belated Birthday!!! Well guess what, what I have come to realize is that some guys dont seem to think of things like birthdays as a big deal. I dont think they understand how important it is to us, and so by not understanding, they sort of discard it. Trust me, my fiance is a dink when it comes to birthdays, although I love him very much. I think its good that you keep up with telling him what you want for your birthday and what you want to do.
It sounds like he did what he thought was nice for you, and I think to him it was probably an effort to send the online greetings. However, I dont think they get that nice little surprises are nice!
I dont think it is too late to go and have a nice Birthday dinner, or do anything you wanted to do in order to celebrate. Why dont you talk to him about it and pick a day to celebrate. Tell him what you want to do.
As far as not being able to have dinner with you on your birthday, next time why dont you do something ahead of time instead on a day he has off, and then on your real b-day maybe he can give you flowers and a card?
I know what you mean about ppl bringing up meds when we are sad. It sucks because they take everything as a result of dep. Hold on and I wish you a great b-day celebration. BIG HUGS
Happy birthday a few days late.
Anyway thanks again!
:)