Sorry I've been gone TRIGGERS

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sorry I've been gone TRIGGERS
6
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 1:03am
I haven't been around lately. I've been in such a deep depression. I haven't had any positive to give to anyone, so I stayed away from the board. I've been in one of my really dark holes that I used to have a couple of years ago, but not as much this past year. Getting up out of bed to get water has been a major effort. I've been in so much internal pain.

It's the same trigger that I talked about a couple of weeks ago. Finding out that my ex boyfriend, the one that I considered the love of my life, is having a baby with his new wife really sent me over the edge. He dumped me and married her a few months later. That sent me into a suicidal depression. He had been talking to me about marriage for six months. He made so many promises, about his behavior and our future. But he never kept them. Then he married this young girl he met while visiting South America. He gave her everything that he could never give me. Now he's having a child with her. He didn't even want children before.

I gave everything that I had to this guy. I helped him through his depression. I basically gave him therapy for two flipping years. I sent him books on depression and mens issues, with pertinent passages highlighted, and notes about how it pertained to him. He said that it helped him so much. I sent him videos of Dr. Phil on Oprah, doing therapy with people. I talked to him for hours and hours, about all his issues. He always said he would do anything to be with me, that it was all that he wanted in his life. I was so in love with him and obsessed with him.

I worked out all the time and bought beautiful lingerie for him. I tried to be his ideal woman. I tried so hard to be someone he wouldn't want to live without because he was judgmental about that stuff. I tried my best. He could hurt me so easily.

He treated me so badly. He couldn't even stay committed for more than a few hours at a time. It tore at my self-esteem the whole time. I know it was a dysfunctional relationship, but it sucked me in so hard at my core rejection issues. For him to be able to stay with someone else and build a life with her rips me at my core. I feel like my guts are being torn out. All day long I have this excruciating stabbing pain in my solar plexus. It's emotional pain, but it completely debilitates me. I've been overeating to try to numb it out. I feel like a big, fat, old pig. He married someone twenty years old. I'm 33. I keep seeing the wrinkles in my face and the fat on my body and I feel totally worthless and unlovable. Nothing that my friends say consoles me at all. They all end up saying the same thing, "I don't know what to say. I feel like everything I say is wrong." I know I'm in a pain to deal with, but I'm in so much pain!!!!

I finally got up the energy and will to call my therapist today. She won't be able to get me in for over a week. Meanwhile, I'm a big wreck. My antidepressants aren't helping at all. I've screamed in my car, cried, journaled, meditated, beat on my bed, done spiritual visualizations. I've been doing everything I can do to work through this. Nothing has helped.

I didn't post about this topic because I know that I've talked about this a lot before. I'm sure you guys are sick of me not getting over it. I'm sick of it too!!! I'm sorry that I'm such a wreck. I feel the fact that he can give this woman a life, a house, a marriage and a baby when he couldn't give me one thing he promised (like even a day together without breaking up) means that I'm so worthless. He told me a few months before he got married that he had hurt me too much. It's like he used me for everything that I could give him, insight, commitment, hope, tools, then he threw me away for someone who wasn't damaged goods, damaged by the crap he had put me through. So he got himself a shiny, innocent young girl (even a virgin, which is bizarre to me, since he was all about sex with me), and he threw me out like the garbage.

I feel so hurt, so used, so angry, and so worthless.

I wish I could make sense of how he's in a relationship now, how's he's kept it together for two years when he couldn't keep anything together with me, despite all of my work at it. I wish I could figure out an explanation that explains this without it being personal about him finding someone he likes better than me. Cuz that kills me!!!! It kills me!!!

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 10:05am

((((((((((((((MARIA)))))))))))))))))))))


Sending you all the hugs I can to get you thru the time till you can see your Therapist again..


You can do this hun,,, I know you are hurting soo much right now but I also know that inside you are an AMAZING and STRONG and totally AWESOME woman who has the strength to move thru this and find the REAL HAPPINESS that is out there for her!


*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 10:32am


Maria,

I know that it is so hard when someone that you loved so much moves on and away from you and you feel like you gave them everyting and have nothing else to give to anyone, I have been there with my ex (my sons father) he was my first love and I wanted to be with him forever, he never made me feel bad about myself he actually made me feel better about being me but still I pushed him away and he eneded up moving on meeting someone new getting married and now has a baby girl on the way and the sad thing is I love his wife to death and I am very excited about the baby on the way, I know the situation is very different than how you are feeling right now but it I know that it hurts bad.

You are not a fat pig you are not worthless you are nothing bad what so ever you are a great person you are so caring you are bright smart loving kind you are so many good things you are worth more than you could possibly know and do not ever discount yourself.

Maria, you are going to be okay you are going to get over this guy in your own time no one should tell you that you need to get over it now, when the time is right you will wake up and not even remember this guys name, you are better than he is he drained your light and you need to get that back he made you feel like crap you do not need someone like that in your life and in your head try to be glad that he is gone imagine the hell you would be going thru right now if you were still with him.....

I know you probably dont believe me when I say this but you are better than him you are better off without him he was empty when you were with him and who is to say that he is still not empty and I bet he is try to think of all the good things in your life the happy times the things that make you light up and smile.

I hope you start to feel better soon, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 10:45am

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((MariaC)))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Honey I can so relate to what you are saying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 7:43pm
hi Maria,

Just remember that if your ex treated you badly, he WILL treat his wife this way. They may seem to outside world to have a perfect life, but as I'm sure you know, what the world sees and what's really going on are often two very different things. And the previous poster made a good point, men in South America treat women HORRIBLY. I remember from a Latin American history class I took in college that if men in South America catch their wives commiting adultery, it's legal for them to *kill* them. This is what kind of society these women are raised in. She's probably used to bad treatment and doesn't know any better. But you can do better. You're not stuck with him or saddled with his child. Consider it a dodged bullet.

Please take care of yourself and create reasons to get out of bed and find joy in life. He was not the last man on earth and there WILL be others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 8:01pm
Sweetie...

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Just know that you deserve a fabulous man, that KNOWS you're equally fabulous. You deserve nothing but the best. I know that it's easy for me to say, given that I'm not in your shoes, however, I've been there done that. It doesn't get any easier, but just know that we're all here for you. In no time, you're going to find a fabulous guy, and be in a wonderful relationship. I promise you that! Take care, and know we're all here for you!

Trix

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:21pm
i'm sorry that i wasn't checking the boards when you first posted this. sometimes when something keeps hurting you feel like you need to stop talking about it- but that's what real friends are for- to keep listening. and i know that the people here understand like no one else that just because you talked about it once doesn't mean it is magically better. don't stop talking about anything that is still hurting. remind yourself that no matter how much it feels like it won't, this too shall pass! i think i told you that i had a boyfriend in college who wa my first love and broke up with me and i was suicidal- now i feel so lucky that he did me that favor. any guy who can break your heart is not one that you want around- if he can hurt you that much, there are plenty of other ways that he would have hurt you if the relationship continued. trust me, you are better off and someday that will be clear and it won't hurt anymore. feel better.