weight of the world *poss trigs*
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| Sun, 02-22-2004 - 2:45am |
Please forgive me in advance as this may end up sounding like a major whine. I am just at my wit's end with everything, I feel like I have the weight of my world on my shoulders and nothing ever lets up. It's not even one thing in particular, it is so many things and life is just such a constant struggle, I feel so defeated. A VERY big issue is finances.
I live with my SO and my 15 y/o DD. I am the main breadwinner. SO is on disability because of a back injury, he has a workers comp and disability income, he also makes money on the side building computers and selling things on ebay, so it's not like he doesn't contribute financially, he does all that he can. Before I met him, I was totally on my own and things were even worse. I work 7 days a week (i work from home as a medical transcriptionist), make decent money, it just seems like things never get caught up, there is never enough, and right now things are just a total mess for us financially. I feel like all I do is work and it doesn't get any better. I also have not felt well for over a year and will be having a hysterectomy in a couple of weeks, which means time off from work and no full pay, and I am in a panic over that. I have building resentment about my life and I feel so guilty because I love my family so much but I feel so unappreciated. My performance has been crappy at both of my jobs, because I just have no motivation, on top of not feeling well I am in a lot of pain most days, and just want to sleep or I just sit in front of the TV, just not wanting to move. Also exacerbating things are that my SO (ken), as he is not working is home ALL of the time. I love him dearly, but there is only so much togetherness I can take. And when I do finally get myself in gear to do some work, either him or my daughter interrupt me. Part of me almost wants to stop working at home, but right now I just know I couldn't handle getting up and going into an office every day, either. I am just so torn, so lost, and no one really understands. Ken doesn't understand my anxiety over money issues, the frustration I feel because between the money I make and what he brings in we should be able to pay all of the bills and have a few bucks left, and everything is just a mess. Then he will blame it on the kids, either I am spending on my DD or giving money to my DS (he is 18, lives with dad). I feel that for as hard as I work I will help my kids all they want, and they really don't ask for much. DS works part time, is still in high school but pays all his own bills, only comes for help in an emergency. DD is only 15 but is trying to find a steady part time job and rarely asks for anything other than essentials. SO grew up very poor, with his mother shipping him off to foster homes at one point, so I feel that he doesn't realize that a parent is supposed to provide for their children. I'm sorry I know I am rambling I just needed to get all of this out, it is now almost 3 a.m., I am working, actually the middle of the night is my favorite time to work, when it is quiet. Ken and i had another argument about money, he is very spontaneous with money and does not think ahead to what needs to be done, etc, and i get so mad over that, as I feel that puts the pressure on me, if he spends all that he has and doesnt get paid for another two weeks, it is up to me to worry about groceries, gas, etc, before we get paid again. I feel like he just does not "get" the responsibilities that I have, even though I have tried to tell him. I have said some really stupid things over the last couple of weeks, along the lines of it would be better if I could just leave this world, I know I wouldnt really do anything but it scares me that I am that depressed to the point of even thinking it. I guess he doesn't take me seriously either, as he just ignores the things I have said. I just want life to stop being so damn hard.
Thank you to anyone who has read this far , for putting up with my whine session!! Any and all advice will be generously accepted!!
Wendy

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Wendy,)))))))))))))))))))))))))) it is soooo hard to feel like you are taking the major role in things.