I cant hold it in anymore.......

Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
I cant hold it in anymore.......
9
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 9:01am

My emotions are a roller coaster right now and I hate rollercoasters Roller Coaster

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 11:49am




((((((((((((((((((((((((((Caly, sweetie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I am so glad you found the courage to share this with us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:55pm
I'm not sure what to say, Caly. Except that children are not as easily fooled as people think. My dad was a verbally abusive man, and did drugs, and as much as mom tried to shelter us from it, we knew. And for awhile I even blamed *her* for not getting us out of there.

People get on this high horse where they think that their kids need both of their parents more than they need a *happy* and stable life. Just because they are the parents doesn't mean their presense is good for the kids. My dad is one example. I would have been a lot better off without him, than with him. My sister is another example. She has a 5 year old with a guy. He seems to be doing well now, but in the past he threatened to kill my sister. He was violent, he did drugs, he did many stupid things. And she stayed with him because her daughter 'needs her father'.

If your husband is hurting you, even just mentally, he's probably hurting Jordan in some way as well. And sensing that you're hurt will hurt Jordan.

I don't know what else to say, except the masks we wear probably fool ourselves more than anyone else.

Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 1:47pm
Sweetie...hang in there. We're all here for you. We talked, but wanted to let you know that I'm still thinkinga bout you and sending you hugs and support!

Trix

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 2:34pm

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Caly))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Sweetie, I've read your post and both Trac and Jenn's replies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 3:24pm

((((((Caly)))))), if he did it once, he'll do it again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 4:34pm
I want to jump up and down and kick this machine and shake my fist at it!!!
AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 8:25pm
Sweetie! You don't have to wear a mask with us. Just because you are a CL does not mean that you need to be up and cheerful all the time, or even ever. I know that feeling when you try to be the one others to count on, then you feel like you don't want to freak them out by having fears and down times yourself. But we are all human. It's like one of my favorite quotes: "Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." We all are. That's the truth.

I was in a very unhappy marriage. Leaving was a very complicated matter. Starting over was much more complicated and difficult. Those first 6 months away were the most difficult of my life. And I didn't have a child to take of.

However, my mom leaving my dad was the best thing that could happen to me. I was so mad when it happened. I blamed her because he blamed her and I believed him. But within two years I knew what he was made of. I was only 11 by then, but I had eyes. My mom had a hard time getting back on her feet, but remarrying created a more stable financial situation for us. The best part was that I didn't have to spend the time from age 9 to age 18 living with my abusive father. Whatever else bad happened between my mom and me, it was better than living with my dad. Their divorce if probably the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'm so sorry that you feel that you must hold it together for everyone else. That's a tremendous burden. Remember that the best thing you can give us here is be be real. That always resonates the most powerfully with others who are suffering.

There are resources for women in your position. Here in San Diego there's a program called Second Saturday, where lawyers, financial consultants, and therapists put on a free program every month to give women the information they need to prepare to leave their husbands. In your area, you should call battered women's services (yes, sweetie, you are a battered woman) and Catholic Charities. I would also suggest cutting back on anything you can in your household, so you can put some money aside for the split ahead. You turn down the heat a bit, even choose cheaper food to serve your family. Make sure that you keep the extra money or separate bank book outside the house and don't have the statements go to your home. Be careful, sweetie. Obviously, your husband has a bad temper and violent tendencies.

The biggest thing for you to remember is that your husband's behavior is unhealthy for your son. Even if he does not act that way all of the time, his way of dealing with conflict has already been imbedded in your son. There's still time to help your son see a better way to live, how to have a healthy life and good relationships.

As long as you support your son, communicate with him, and seek therapy during the hard times ahead, he will turn out fine. Studies show that while children whose parents stayed married are generally happier and better adjusted than children whose parents divorced, children of divorce are better off than children who grew up with tension and fighting between their parents.

It's great that you are planning so far ahead. I don't know how you are still having sex with your husband. I could not do that. You have the right to take care of yourself, sweetie. Please let us know what we can do to help.

Love,

MariaC

Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 11:43pm

TRAC and everyone.........


I can not begin to thank you for all the love and support today... I have been lurking all day reading and crying but didnt have it in me to post till now..


Your caring has been incredible!! Those of you who IMed me Thank you,

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:17am
{{{{{{Caly}}}}}}

I was away this weekend, that is why this is late.

I haven't read the other reponses, sorry if I am repetative!

First, I am not and have never been married. But I can tell you what it was like as a child in a loveless household. My parents could barely remain civil to eachother, never mind show any affection. I was the "invisible child", they were so wrapped up in their lives that I raised myself. So my point is...Jordan is seeing this as "normal". I am so messed up because I don't know what a loving, normal relationship is like. I have no model to help me out. All I know how to do is argue and run away from my problems. My mom stayed with my dad "for the kids", well it screwed us up just as bad as them being apart would have. I would much rather have had two seperated happy parents than two totally miserable married parents.

And I am proud of you for letting it all out. You can't keep pretending sweetie. You need to deal with these issues and then move on. You don't deserve to be unhappy, and you deserve much more thatn a loveless marriage.

Take care Caly.

Pamela

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