Battling with illness, depression (trig)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Battling with illness, depression (trig)
2
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:34am
Hi, everyone. Thanks in advance for reading this, as I'm sure you've got more than enough posts to wade through every day. I don't know how you all do it, the regulars, because I am so easily triggered by others' emotions. Well, bless you for doing it.

My name's Kellie and I'm a single woman who is battling chronic illness. It has affected my life so much. At first it wasn't too difficult to deal with, but the longer I had to put up with it, the more hope I lost that I would ever recover. I've withdrawn from people who care about me, lost most of my friends, and am always just scraping by. It's been so long since I've had a boyfriend, I thought I would try an e-dating service, but when I went to fill out the compatibility form I realized that I have nothing to offer anyone. I cannot have or be the things I want to have and be. I have memory problems that embarrass me, I sometimes get irritable and say stupid things, I've been a little crazy sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could end it all, because I think maybe this is as good as it gets, and I just can't tolerate it. A little part of me thinks maybe I'm wrong and maybe it will get better, and so I trudge onward.

I know someone's going to say I should get into counseling, but I am deathly afraid of sharing my thoughts and emotions with a complete stranger, no matter how nice they are. I'm a very private person. Mental illness runs in my family too. My maternal grandmother and mother are always struggling with depression and anxiety, my maternal aunt is bipolar. I've got lots of genetic strikes against me. My grandmother and aunt have been in counseling most of their lives and it hasn't really helped much, that I can see.

Right now I feel stupid and talentless and dull. I try to stay away from people because I know I'll just drive them away anyway, if I don't humiliate myself first. I know I'm not a good friend, and I'm not a good daughter, granddaughter, or niece. About the only thing I'm good at is making people angry and isolating myself.

Is there maybe something I could do to get to a better place without having to go to counseling? At least not right now, while I'm feeling so vulnerable? Anti-depressants do not work for me; I either get really bad side-effects, because of my illness, or they quit working. Mostly they do both, and it's just horrible.

Well, thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:21am

Welcome, ((((((((Kellie579)))))))))!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:38am

Welcome to the board!


I know from experience hun that trying to work thru this on your own is really really hard..


Is there anyone you are comfortable talking with who can help?

*hugs