What did I do!? Prob. triggers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2003
What did I do!? Prob. triggers!
4
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:26pm
Once again, no emotion to show how i'm really feeling. I didn't think I'd be able to post, but I'm a bad person. Anyway, just found out that I have no job next year due to a reconfiguration of the organizations that rule the special ed world. I feel so useless. I spent all sorts of time going to school, becoming an educated person, just to get thrown on my butt. On top of dealing with all this moving/eviction crap, I now deal with not having a job in the fall. I odn't know what I'm going to do. I am SO far into debt, I can not just stop working and go back to school. I've wasted SO much time and money on school stuff (both teaching and going) that I'm almost 20,000 dollars in debt. Plus, I have a car payment, and insurance to deal with. I don't know what I'm going to do. It feels like Murphy's Law is just playing a mean trick on me. Or as Charlotte's husband said last night "Maybe God forgot our address." Sometimes that feel so true.

On top of that the demons are back. I feel so fat, and lazy and useless. I'm disgusted with the way I look. I can't stand the situation I'm in. I think I probably deserve all of this. Rolls of fat on me, I'm hideous. I can't stand the way I look, or feel. I don't know what I'm going to do to change this situation. Maybe this is why I'm back at home. To realize my misery and just end up at a dead end job working 80 hours a week for minimum wage. What am I going to do for health insurance!? I have no clue how to do anything but for what I'm trained for. If I go back to school, I'll never leave home, and I'll be stuck in misery forever. No one is going to want a loser. I don't even want me or the situation I'm in. I'm at a dead end.

I did schedule some meetings with people I know in the field in hopes that they can give me some direction in life. What do I know though. Nothing. It will end up well, you suck, and there's nothing we can do to help. What did I do to deserve all this!? I hate this life. I'm so stuck. If you have any ideas, please feel free to share. I could use anything right now. Even just you reading this now is helping.

I'm so sorry for being so selfish, I can't help it. I've been crying nonstop for the past two hours. I didn't even go where I needed to this afternoon. I'm just flat out tired of being dumped on all the time. It's not just me, it's 4 others too. The part that kills me too, is that the kids are the ones that suffer. All this political BS I could care less about. What's giong to happen to my kids!? 28 Kids once again screwed cause of politics. That's not including all the other girls' kids that I work with that are getting laid off too. I have no clue what to do, but keep on crying. I'm sorry.

Trix

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:48pm

I feel a sympathetic knot in the pit of my stomach for you!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:53pm

Trix,


Last year when I was job hunting, I ran across several of sites that have educational jobs listed across the country.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 5:54pm
Thanks guys. I'll be sure to check out all my options.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 6:02pm

Hun I dont see it as a Door closing I see a window opening!

*hugs