feeling very down lately (trig?)
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| Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:31am |
Everyone thinks I've got it all. My grandmother, who I've talked to about it, thinks that I'm unappreciative of all I have. I really don't think I am though. I have a great job, which I used to love, a wonderful boyfriend and great family who I do love, but I just feel so behind in everything.
I'm *only* 28. Logically, I'm young, I'm smart, and I have a whole world of experiences to look forward to. But I'm not looking forward to it. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I've spent the past two years trying to come up with my "passion," and feel like I've spent so much time trying to figure out what to do with my life, that I'm not actually living it. And I've got a multitude of mistakes I am struggling to correct (debt, trying to finish college, etc.).
The slightest little thing will set me off and I'll burst into tears, of course after I've tactfully walked away from whatever people who may be around, and am always put back together when I get back. But inside, I'm bursting. I feel like I can't take it anymore, but I don't know what to do to rectify it. I often imagine just quitting everything, and then, I don't know what. I've never seriously contemplated suicide, but it's crossed my mind lately. It's not something I'd ever do though. I would never do that to my family.
I tried seeing a therapist, but I couldn't let her under the surface. I don't know why. But, all she ever has me do is talk, so I usually just rant about whatever random thing is bothering me that day. There's never any feedback anyway. It's an awfully pricy rant though.
My grandmother thinks I should take antidepressants. But I think I'd resent myself even more for needing them. Still, I've promised to see my doctor this week. I'm sure though that I won't let him in either. I never let anyone in through the tough, supremely happy exterior. My grandmother just knows which buttons to push, I'm usually in tears within a half hour of getting to her house and her probing me!!!
I sometimes feel fine though, and probably I'll just remember this as another of my silly rants tomorrow. Bt I've got to get this out. Now. I don't know what else to do...

Welcome to the board apeet310.
Welcome to the board hun!
First of all its not a silly rant.. All of our feelings are important and we cant deny or ignore them.. Pretending doesnt make things go away.
I would say the best thing you can do right now is find a new therapist.. Any good therapist that is not giving Feed back or even just finding ways to help you get beyond the "daily problem rant" probably is not the right one for you..
*hugs