I need some help...(LOTS of triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
I need some help...(LOTS of triggers)
5
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:45pm
I wish I could say everything I need to say, but I can't.

I know you all don't know me, but I don't know where else to go. I feel so alone and at the end of my rope. I'm scared out of my mind and wish I knew what to do.

I have three small children, twins that are 2 and a one year old. I found out a few weeks ago that I am expecting my fourth, which is quite a surprise. I am 13 weeks along. Since then I've had to come off all my medication - Topomax, Zoloft, Abilify, Trazodone, and Wellbutrin. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

My diagnosis is major depression, OCD, borderline personality disorder, and most difficult right now is I'm also a self-injurer. I have constant thoughts of hurting myself and most of the time wish I wasn't pregnant so I could just end it all.

I talked to my therapist yesterday on the phone and she basically told me that I was catastrophizing and being self-defeating by saying I don't think I can hold on much longer. But I can't. I don't know if she understands quite how I feel and I'm quickly losing my faith and trust in her. My dh doesn't understand and when I try to talk to him he freaks out and says he doesn't know what to do. And to make matters worse he's going out of town this weekend, so I don't even have the security of having him around and the extra help with the kids. I would check myself into a hospital but since clearly my therapist doesn't seem concerned, it doesn't seem right. Plus I haven't done anything yet, so I doubt that qualifies me to get in. Plus I have my three children to take care of and my dh would be SO angry if I did.

I feel so trapped and out of options. I have no one to call. No one left to ask for help. I don't like feeling this way. Yes, I've used a million coping skills and that's what's gotten me this far, but I feel like things are just getting worse and that I can't hang on much longer. I guess those are the self-defeating thoughts my therapist was telling me about. I'm sick of crying, sick of fighting, and feel so guilty that I feel this way. Why can't I just be happy? And why can't me being pregnant be enough of a deterrant for me to do anything stupid?? I'm so scared and feel so alone.

I wouldn't be surprised if this message got pulled for too many triggers. I don't even know what I'm looking for, but I feel like I'm reaching out to anyone who can possibly help me. Please forgive me if I am triggering anyone else, that's the last thing I want to do. If you have any words of advice, I would appeciate it. My thinking seems so muddled and confused that I don't know where to turn.

desparatemommy

Avatar for all_girls4me
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:04pm
OK.....first of all....you can still take some meds. Talk to your Dr. There are some meds that are safe to take while pg. You don't need to suffer unecessarily. If you really think you can't hold it together, you need to get some help, and checking into a hospital is one option. Nobody can tell you otherwise, not your DH or your therapist. If you think it's necessary, do it. Don't worry about what they will say. You need to take care of yourself and that baby. You are no good to your other children or to your DH if you are suffering that much. You need to do what's right for you. Meanwhile try to talk to a friend or relative, maybe they can help you out a little this weekend.

Congrats on the new baby......I know how hard it is with little kids.....I have 3 girls under 5....lol.

Hugs Ilka



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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:24pm

(((((((Honey))))))), there is no reason for your post to be pulled.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:56pm
My dear,

I think you may need a new psychiatrist. My psychiatrist says that pregnant women can take either prozac or zoloft during pregnancy. The doctor that took you off all antidepressants cold turkey is wrong. I feel the psychiatrist is very irresponsible. I think that the psych should have found a safe anti-depressant. As for your therapist, she needs to get a life. YOU HAVE THREE SMALL CHILDREN AND ARE PREGNANT. EVERYONE WOULD BE OVERWHELMED LET ALONG A DEPRESSED PERSON. Get a more supportive therapist.

Lots of hugs and positive thoughts. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. I think your doctor has much to answer for.

GOOD LUCK.

SA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 4:16pm
Dear Desparte mommy,

I don't know what else to say- I don't have any advice about doctors. But I do know this, you are a good mom. You are seeking help when you need it. I have pulled my hair out trying to raise my 4 kids practically alone and have been very lost. The only other thing that I could suggest is that you might call your preacher, call the church and if you get a machine, it usually gives an emergency or pager number. He would know of some other moms, some grandmoms or teens who could come over and help out with the kids. Don't think you would be the first person to ever call and ask for that kind of help. The preacher at my church gets these calls often, lol, sometimes from me. Whatever you do to get help, know that there are people here online who are praying for you and wishing you the best. Keep in touch ! Martha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 4:59pm

Another board you may find helpful is Pregnancy and Depression in Parents Place:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-pppregndep


IVillage offers more support than most of us could possibly imagine!






Blessings,






co-CL of Depression Support

AcornLeaves