why is this going on
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| Thu, 02-26-2004 - 12:01pm |
I hate my dad because he was a crappy father who left me and my sister when I was 1 years old he moved to Arizona and got a new family, I have a half rother and sister Kelly and Ryan and I only met them twice I dont know how old they are of what they look like now they have never met my son nor do I think they even know about them they do not know about my neice nor does my father, my dad and their mom got divorsed many many years ago and he hardley sees my brother and sister so he left one family to start another and then leave that family also, I hate my dad if he died rigth now I would only go to the funeral to make sure that he is dead I know harsh but he has messed up my head for so long my whole life I felt not good enough because he walked away from me and never looked back never cared.
I am angry at my mom because she never showed me the love that I wanted her to show me maybe she showed me the best she knew how and I need to accept that but I always felt that I was not good enough that I wasnt my sister that I was nothing unwanted a burdon bad stupid ugly you name it I felt it all the time growing up, and that makes me so angry I should not feel that way but I do and I just cant help it I love my mom but I am angry..
I am angry at my sister because she was always there for me and then she was gone she stopped being there she choose someone who is not worthy of her over me we hardley talk any more Iam angry because she is so comfortable with herself she doesnt worry about her weight she doesnt care about the size of her clothes what the scale says she doesnt worry about what she eats she doesnt look in the mirror and want to spit at the image looking back at her she doesnt hate herself.
I am angry because life comes so easy for her getting up in the morning is easy for her laughing is easy for her she doesnt have to struggle everyday with her emotions and feelings she doesnt have to talk herself out of things she doesnt have to down talk herself so she doesnt blow up at everyone she doesnt have to convince herself every day that she is worthy and that makes me angry.
I am angry at myself I hate myself I hate my body my hair my face my eyes my skin my clothes my everything, I am worthless peice of crap I am unwanted not needed unworthy of love happiness laughing smiling life. I am angry because I can not even look at a scale with out getting anxious or walk past the diet isle in the drug store with out buying a few bottles of pills I cant enjoy food with out thining how many calories or how much fat or what it will do to me after it is digested.
I am angry because I have scares on my arms from razor blades tht I can not explain away I am angry because I have to take meds every night just to make it thru the day I am angry because I have mental illness that I will have it forever and that it could get worse I am angry ecause I was born I am angry because I am alive..I am angry because I do not have the answers that I need in order to get by each day I have to have the answers I need validation I need attention because it equates to acceptance and with out attention I can nnot accept myself I crave it because in that moment of attention I feel worth something I feel that I matter but after the moment is gone nothing matters I do not matter.
I get so angry because people tell me to eat and that is not possible for me I can eat one time a day thts all people tell me that I have filled out a bit that makes me scared people say that I have filled in all the right places which to me means that I am a pig a big fat pig .
okay then I am so sorry if I offended anyone I just needed to do this please forgive me these are things that needed to get out of my head and I dodnt know wht else to do
Erin

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I think, I'll get off the PC and do something myself. Since I have not been working, I'm on the PC 6hours. and my belly had gotten bigger, that my jeans are getting tighter. I don't WANT TO GO SHOPPING AGAIN, for a bigger jeans or bra. I just need to wear what I've got, and try to fit into them.
Good luck to you.
I'm sorry to hear your dad's such a loser. And your other siblings.
Edited 2/26/2004 1:37:03 PM ET by ilvdana24
I want to start by saying that I think you did the right thing by posting here. When I was feeling depressed about everything, I would write write write in my journal. the bonus of doing it here is that you get feedback from people who can support and love you.
It is my hope that you are getting some professional intervention by your family doctor or a psychologist or even a counsellor that you can share your feelings with.
I want to suggest that you seek out some emotional release classes. I took them, and I was surprised at the results and how the techniques that I used allowed me to release a lot of bent up anger.
Anger is such a misunderstood emotion. There are other emotions underneath it. I like to call it a "secondary" emotion. The only way I was able to get rid of it was to find out what the emotions were underneath. I found mostly sadness and fear, and especially low self-worth.
I hope that it helps you to know that we are reading your story, and that we are thinking of you.
Sarah
There is a saying "You know better, so you do better". I have used that many times when I am thinking about my childhood and how poorly my parents treated me. Luckily, both my parents are still in my life and we are getting along better than we ever have. But I still get angry sometimes...and then I think of that quote.
Don't let something your parents or whoever did to you in your past affect your future sweetie. If you keep doing that, they are winning. You have to be better than that. I know it is easier to say than it is to do. But it's something to think about.
Take care
Pamela
I was wondering where to look for those "emotional release classes".
I had a similar (kind of) issue with anger, only my problem was that I didn't know I was angry. It was covered up by sadness etc. Now that I know what emotion I really need to deal with first, it's helped a lot. Well in the sense that at least I know where all the other stuff is stemming from.
I agree that it helps to write it all out. It does me a lot more good than even talking out loud about it does. I'm really glad that I found these boards. It gives me a chance to "empty my brain" so to speak, and there are people out there that have an idea of what I'm going through, and their feedback from people who understand seems to mean a lot more overall because of it.
Stacy
Hi, (((((((((Honey)))))))))!
about your post...your dad- i understand hating your dad, mine was a bad one too. in some ways you are probably lucky he left because he may have been much worse had he been around. i feel sorry for his other family that got stuck with him. your mom- i know alot of kids (myself included at times, and i was close to my mom) who felt like their mothers thought badly of them and it hurt and really it was just a misunderstanding. my mom is an artist and i never show her any of my artwork because i think that she thinks i am not good and that my stuff isn't "real art"- well, i left some paintings at my parents house in a corner because i had no room for them and she found them and had one framed and hung up in the living room- where all of her expensive special artwork is. i was shocked. but it illustrates my point- we never know what they really are thinking! about your sister- there are alot of people who it seems easy for and it isn't deep down. (there were people used to think my life was perfect!) there are also those who never experience the lows that we do, but for that reason don't appreciate the good things that they do have.
i understand being angry about having mental illness. i think we all feel that way lots of times. i have to believe that good things do/will come out of it though- like appreciating the good things in an entirely different way. it's hard, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i don't think that it has to last in the same form forever- i think that we learn to deal with it and depression outbrakes get easier for us to deal with. it's like plucking your eyebrows. at first it hurts alot and you have no idea how to do it right. but after a while, it is second nature- you barely feel it and you know how to do it.
i have razor scars on my arm too. lucky for me they have faded enough that no one notices unless i was to point it out- which i don't. they're kind of my badge of courage now- like look how bad things got and i got through it. do you still cut yourself? i understand if you don't want to talk about it. i don't remember why, but it got easier for me to stop. if you ever want to talk about it, i am happy to. about the diet pills, i am sorry that things are so hard for you. i remember you saying your weight before and you are tiny. if you ever gained a little, it wouldn't mean you were fat, it would be healthy for you. people bother me about my food all of the time and although it is for a different reason, i understand that when you can't eat it is really annoying and bothersome to have someone tell you to. we didn't like it when our mothers told us to finish our veggies and we don't need to be told when to eat now! :) please don't worry so much about your appearance, i am sure you look fabulous. anyone who tells you differently is probably jealous. people never go up to people who really are fat and ugly and say "excuse me, but you should stop eating and get some plastic surgery." they go up to people who are skinny and comment on their weight, and people who they are jealous of and make them feel badly. don't listen to them, just make sure you are healthy. do you think you could take the same calories you are eating and space them out? as a person who has researched nutrition, it would be healthier and actually keep you from gaining weight as quickly if you ate more one day. hope this helps a little. you have helped me so much, i hope i can throw some love and advice back your way. feel better sweetie.
If my dad had left early, I'm sure I would have felt similar to how you feel. Unfortunately, he stayed. He systematically abused my whole family. He raped me. He told me no one loved me and that no one would ever love me. I was depressed for my entire life, except for short windows, usually when I'd get excited about a guy I liked or loved, then got my heart broken again. I felt completely alone in the world. I've told you various stories about my life. But you know that I understand some of the pain you've gone through.
I did a lot of anger work about my dad. And my mom. And my fleempin sister. I didn't speak to my dad for the last 7 years of his life. When he died, I was shocked for a few days, but I was never a bit sad. I didn't go to his funeral. I was the only one in my family who didn't go. But I didn't care. I even got a big lecture about not going from my evil sister-in-law. Whatever. I didn't care. Traveling across four states to the middle of nowhere to attend the funeral of someone who raped me wasn't something I would even consider.
I don't talk to my sister now. My life is so much better without her in it. She's vicious and mean.
My point is that anger is OK. I have learned that it's important to get it out. Writing is good. Yelling in your car is better. Beating the heck out of your bed and pillows is AWESOME!
If you don't get the anger out, then it stays in you. It ruminates. It tears you up inside.
Last week when I was so up in arms about my ex, a lot of that was because I still have so much anger at that jerk. It was good for me to yell in my car and get some anger out, then focus on what a jerk he was and how being with him would have made me miserable.
That helped so much. Your words were exactly what I needed to hear.
I know that there is nothing that anyone else can do to make you feel better. But I think that happiness comes from learning to be kind to yourself one step at a time. Forcing yourself to say, "I love you" to yourself everyday is a really powerful thing. I know that you are filled with so much self-hatred. I know that feeling. I know how it is to hate yourself when you look in the mirror. Telling yourself I love you, especially when you are looking in the mirror is a really powerful way to start to chip away at that self-hatred. Now I say it when I curl up in bed with my down pillows and big down comforters. I fills me with so much happiness.
About your sister. If she was happy and at peace, she wouldn't be with that jerk Luis. Her pain might not be as evident as yours, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. She's with a guy who cheats on her and is highly manipulative and deceitful. Pity her, sweetie. You wouldn't want to be with a guy like that. Plus, she's a single mom. That is the hardest thing in the world to do.
You have so much pain inside you that it eats away at you. That pain needs to come out. If you let it out AT other people by yelling and blaming them, it doesn't go away. That's just trying to let off steam that keeps building. But if you yell it out by yourself or with a therapist, focusing on your true, deep rage at your dad, your mom, and your sister, it starts the healing process.
Does your therapist do any rage work? Have you done anything like this? I did it before I did cognitive therapy and it laid the groundwork for me. I still do it, sometimes after suffering for a while first. I don't just yell once, but I'll scream at the top of my lungs for 15 minutes straight driving down the freeway. It is such a relief of all that locked up pain.
I encourage you to open up to trying something different like this. I know you are in so much pain. This helped me with the anger and pain that tortured me for years. Cutting is a way that pain comes out towards yourself, making the physical pain override the inner pain. If the inner pain doesn't come out, it will keep torturing you. It is a real, concrete thing.
I'm here for you, Sweetie. You aren't alone. Thank you for being there for me so many times.
Love,
Maria
I am sorry you are going through this, all I can send you is hugs.
I hope things get better.
Take care of yourself {{{{{{Erin}}}}}}}
Hugs,
Cathy
Just ask a pro, tell them its when you go into a soundproof room and scream and yell bloody murder...lol.
It's SO AWESOME.
Sarah
Stacy
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