why is this going on
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| Thu, 02-26-2004 - 12:01pm |
I hate my dad because he was a crappy father who left me and my sister when I was 1 years old he moved to Arizona and got a new family, I have a half rother and sister Kelly and Ryan and I only met them twice I dont know how old they are of what they look like now they have never met my son nor do I think they even know about them they do not know about my neice nor does my father, my dad and their mom got divorsed many many years ago and he hardley sees my brother and sister so he left one family to start another and then leave that family also, I hate my dad if he died rigth now I would only go to the funeral to make sure that he is dead I know harsh but he has messed up my head for so long my whole life I felt not good enough because he walked away from me and never looked back never cared.
I am angry at my mom because she never showed me the love that I wanted her to show me maybe she showed me the best she knew how and I need to accept that but I always felt that I was not good enough that I wasnt my sister that I was nothing unwanted a burdon bad stupid ugly you name it I felt it all the time growing up, and that makes me so angry I should not feel that way but I do and I just cant help it I love my mom but I am angry..
I am angry at my sister because she was always there for me and then she was gone she stopped being there she choose someone who is not worthy of her over me we hardley talk any more Iam angry because she is so comfortable with herself she doesnt worry about her weight she doesnt care about the size of her clothes what the scale says she doesnt worry about what she eats she doesnt look in the mirror and want to spit at the image looking back at her she doesnt hate herself.
I am angry because life comes so easy for her getting up in the morning is easy for her laughing is easy for her she doesnt have to struggle everyday with her emotions and feelings she doesnt have to talk herself out of things she doesnt have to down talk herself so she doesnt blow up at everyone she doesnt have to convince herself every day that she is worthy and that makes me angry.
I am angry at myself I hate myself I hate my body my hair my face my eyes my skin my clothes my everything, I am worthless peice of crap I am unwanted not needed unworthy of love happiness laughing smiling life. I am angry because I can not even look at a scale with out getting anxious or walk past the diet isle in the drug store with out buying a few bottles of pills I cant enjoy food with out thining how many calories or how much fat or what it will do to me after it is digested.
I am angry because I have scares on my arms from razor blades tht I can not explain away I am angry because I have to take meds every night just to make it thru the day I am angry because I have mental illness that I will have it forever and that it could get worse I am angry ecause I was born I am angry because I am alive..I am angry because I do not have the answers that I need in order to get by each day I have to have the answers I need validation I need attention because it equates to acceptance and with out attention I can nnot accept myself I crave it because in that moment of attention I feel worth something I feel that I matter but after the moment is gone nothing matters I do not matter.
I get so angry because people tell me to eat and that is not possible for me I can eat one time a day thts all people tell me that I have filled out a bit that makes me scared people say that I have filled in all the right places which to me means that I am a pig a big fat pig .
okay then I am so sorry if I offended anyone I just needed to do this please forgive me these are things that needed to get out of my head and I dodnt know wht else to do
Erin

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Hi Erin!
Nothing wrong with writing down your feelings.. infact the release is good..

The chinese have a way of doing it in that they write all there problems and anger and frustrations on a pieces of paper and then take the papers and burn them.
*hugs
I can and have felt your pain Erin. As a daughter of an Alcoholic mother, I have been through years of counseling and I have come to a realization with the help of an awesome counselor. We are all human and make mistakes, wish we could take things back that are said etc. Our parents, their parents did things the best that they could or knew to do often perpetuating mistakes from generations past. I do not condone neglectful parents and I still get angry with my mom but you know what? I finally said to myself IT STOPS HERE NOW!!! Only I have the power to heal myself , to make myself better for my kids, to stop passing on the mistakes. Believe it or not the first step to healing yourself is to forgive others for what they have done or not done to you otherwise YOU end up carrying the excess baggage around for the rest of YOUR life. I suggest reading a wonderful book by DR. Alan Loy McGinnis called Confidence - How to Succeed at Being Yourself. In this book I have found so much insight as to why I felt the way I felt. I have gone through the loss of a child, money problems, unemployment, divorce and moves. I now have a knowledge of who I am and I love myself (another step) My life though still rocky at times is great because of the roads I have traveled and continue to travel. I take something from every experience and learn from it. Life's lessons can be hard and unforgiving sometimes but in the end we are stronger for it.
take care and God Bless
Becky
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