I think my bf is depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
I think my bf is depressed
13
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 1:37pm
Hi All,

I have strong reasons to believe that my boyfriend is depressed. Several people in my family have suffered from depression, and both are under the care of doctors. This has taught me what to look for. My boyfriend suddenly does not want to go out anymore. He thinks he's just "not a happy person", which I find hard to believe. Recently he has started to tell me that I deserve better than him, he's not "worth it" and that he's just a miserable, terrible person. He's also started worrying about having melanoma or other diseases.

My bf surivived the Sept. 11 attacks on the WTC, but never sought counseling. Recently, his aunt and grandfather passed away. I think all of this adds to his depression.

I want him to see a doctor, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject. He doesn't know that people in my family have depression, so I'm not sure if he'd know that I'm comfortable "dealing" with this on a day-to-day basis. I want him to try to get help before I lose him forever. I already know he's slipping away from me. Any help would be much appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 1:48pm
I'm here lurking and posting because I believe that my fiance may be depressed. I did bring it up with him and asked him to see a doctor and gently explained that I need happiness and stability in my life. He was open to the suggestion, and I even offered to seek out counselling to be more supportive of him.

Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 6:14pm

Hi, (((((((Debzy2004)))))))) and (((((((Stoonmom)))))))!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 1:58pm
Thanks for all the resources. I will definitely look into them.

I have brought up the possibility of him being depressed. At first he almost sounded insulted, but after a while, he said he was glad I came to him. It shows I care, and he was thankful. He did not tell me whether he will agree to seek help, and I'm afraid to ask. I feel like our relationship has become so fragile over the past few days.

I really feel as though my bf is pushing me away. He tells me it's not fair for me to be around him when he's like this. I mean, I truly want to help him, but what if he tells me he doesn't want the support? In fact, he canceled all plans with me this weekend, and hasn't called me in 3 days. If this is something he wants to go through alone, do I let him? And then, how long do I wait for him? I love him very much, but I'm not willing to wait years in hopes that he'll come around again. I know it can take months for people to begin to feel better after they begin treatment. I'm willing to wait it out, as long as he's receptive to it. But, it's so hard now b/c he isn't there for me at all anymore. How do I know when to just walk away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 12:17pm
You are the only one who knows when you need to move on. You should know that when one partner is depressed, the other one often becomes depressed too. As you know, you can't pull the other person out of it, and you can get pretty frustrated and depressed by trying and not succeeding.

I highly recommend the book that Barbara recommende, "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real. I recommend it for both you and for him. It's an amazing book. It would probaby help for you to give it to him.

The book recommends both therapy and antidepressants for depression. It goes into detail about why men are depressed and how they handle it. It also talks about how to start on the road to recovery.

Many of us here are familar with pushing others away when we are depressed. There is so much shame and hopeless about this disease. As I said, you can't make the other person better. However, you can encourage him to go to a doctor. Depression is a very physical disease. Antidepressants can take the edge off. Therapy can help him with the normal grieving process. 9/11 affected this country in profound ways. For him, it was far more personal. Losing loved ones when you are already depressed is devastating. A grief counselor could probably help him. I understand that you don't want to push him away any more than he is. But depressed people, especially men, don't tend to seek out help on their own. It's hard enough to do the basics in life without doing something unknown, scary, and possibly stigmatized.

You can point out to him that you already feel like you are losing him. You can point out that depression is the most treatable of mental conditions. You can point out that many people in the US not directly involved in 9/11 still haven't recovered from those events.

You can tell him that even if he thinks you should move on, you will never be happy unless you know that he is getting help to move on himself. Otherwise, he's wasting his life in pain that is treatable.

Again, I recommend that book. I gave it to a friend who was helped tremendously by it. It's a very powerful read.

Good luck! We are here for you.

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 12:48pm
You're not God. You may love him, and will do EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to get him back to see the light, but you'll just be wasting your life. Many who've tried for years, even marrying them, all they end up in the end is years of being hurt, and they felt like they really didn't accomplish anything. I helped someone, once, I thought I could do it. I'm was halfway there, but, years after years (5yrs.) he was back to where he started. I finally had enough courage to let go. There's really nothing you could do. It's up to them TO GET THE HELP THEY NEED. Willingly.

If they want to get better, they seek help without encouragements. The more they are pushed, the more they pull away and get in their little cocoon.


Edited 2/28/2004 12:51:20 PM ET by ilvdana24
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:09pm
Thanks guys for everything. Well, I did help him...he's going to call a doctor, but I also lost him.

My bf, well, ex-bf :-(, decided that I was right, and he did need help. He also decided he wanted to do this alone. It hurts me so much. I do know that the most important thing is that he gets help. I also know that it's not my responsibility to stick by him through it...especially if he doesn't want it. And, who knows? Maybe one day we'll get back together, when he's better. I just know that it hurts now. Thanks for all the advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:20pm

(((((((Debzy))))))), it hurts so much right now.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 3:02pm
Hey,

I have another question...

Is it normal for him to seem to want help one day and then the next day tell me he's "fine." Even though we are no longer together, we are still speaking. Today he told me that he's "fine" and that he will only call the doctor if he feels he needs help. Maybe he doesn't realize that he'll have some good days. Yesterday he told me that it couldn't hurt if he spoke to a doctor. Today he's upset that I want him to call someone.

Should I just back off and let him deal with this his own way? Or should I be in his face about it, until he sees a doctor. I don't know how to help him. We might not be together, but I still love him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 5:02pm

Well, I want to start by stating that this is just my opinion and others might see it differently.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:11am
Yeah, I know you're right. I kind of had a moment of clarity last night and realized that I can't do anything else for him. Pushing him to get help will really just push him away. I also realized that it's going to be really difficult to be his friend, and maybe I won't be able to be his friend, at least not for awhile. Deep down I have some hurt feelings because he pushed me (his best friend and girlfriend) away. Why do his friends get to still call him and see him? Why can't I? I know the answers to this, but I don't really want to face that we're over...but now I will. I don't have a choice and I have to get on with my life. It's not fair...but neither is life.

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