My friend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
My friend...
3
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 9:12am
I have posted RE my depressed male friend before. I wrote him a very short email the other day about Lent - we live in the South so Catholicism is not dominant. At any rate, I say a few folks with ashes on their foreheads and it made me think of him. My note was very short - I asked what he was giving up for Lent - candy or soda, which is his usual. I also made a joking reference that I know he wasn't giving up talking to me for Lent as he had done that months ago.

He actually wrote back and said 'you know me well. Glad of that.' He did tell me what he was giving up but did not remark on my other comment. Quite frankly I was surprised that he did - he has not responded to any direct communication for months unless I lucked up and caught him at home on hte phone. He just sends those touchy feely emails. they are ok - but to me, not responding to direct inquiries is discourteous. I ask about him because I care. I responded with another Lent related comment but also said that I was surprised to hear from him because I had no expectations that I would at all.

It frustrates me, sometimes more than others. I miss my friend yet I feel like I can't even tell him that. When it bothers me most, I try to find ways to distract myself because I'll get really angry at him for being depressed and reclusive and depriving me of his companionship. I know I have a right to feel these things and I try very hard to get them out so I don't stay angry. I've quit talking about him to my female friends - when I do I get judgements about him and that he's no good, etc. and it just makes me feel worse about the whole situation.

Thanks for listening - just needed to tell someone. I do make sure that I take care of me - I have a full life beyond this friend, but he is someone I care deeply for.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: tonitoons
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 10:33am
It bothers me too when people don't respond to my e-mails but instead send forward after forward. I would much rather have a short note saying how they are. At the same time, maybe your friend is just so down that he has no energy to do anything other than to forward on cutesy stuff. Keep being a good friend to him and e-mail him a lot so he knows you care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: tonitoons
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:57am
This man is very lucky to have a friend like you who truly cares about him so much, and misses him. As many of us on this board can attest, most people easily drop or avoid friend who have become depressed. We talk often about how hurt we are by 'friends" who have left us because we have this illness.

As I'm sure you know, isolating is very common for men who have depression. Men have a lot of shame about this disease. They shut down and shut others out. It unfortunate, but we hear that story on this board again and again.

Why do you feel that you can't tell your friend that you miss him? You are making direct comments about how he isn't speaking to you. He will probably feel very cared for and less attacked if you say that you miss him. That's real and authentic.

You sound like someone with a truly caring, loving heart. You are a rare kind of person in this world. If you tell him how much you miss him and that you will never give up him, you will give him a gift that few people ever get from a friend. You can't control him, but you can make sure he really knows how much he means to one person in this world. That is a beautiful gift to give.

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: tonitoons
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 1:45pm
I hadn't thought of that but I see your point. when I said that I was meaning - that we don't talk so when I do email or call, I usually try to keep it neutral (which would be me walking on eggshells to not say something wrong). this is hard for me too - I've had my own boughts with depression so I try to not get too pulled into his pain but I just do not do well with people who are neither in nor out of my life.

Some of my reluctance to say anything goes back to our relationship. We used to date acouple years ago but have since been friends. Last summer things got very strained he had begun to push me away and pretend things were fine when they weren.t Looking back I know why - he was trying to handle this but I had no idea - I only knew that he was not the same guy he had been and he wouldn't tell me anything about it. We had a pretty big fight because he did something that to me was a violation of trust. I know now that his depressed state made it easier for him to do it, though that doesn't excuse his behavior. At any rate, I think he was hitting bottom around then. He knows he hurt me deeply. I told him just after that I needed some time to take care of myself - he wanted to stay in touch by jokes and cutesy emails - I said no. When I was able to fully forgive him, I contacted him. When we do talk, he seems genuinely glad to hear from me but he has never let me back in. I don't want him to tell me anything he doesn't want to tell me - I just want him to accept that I am still his friend and care that he's unhappy. One of these days I think we will be able to talk about all of this in depth. Just not now.

There is a limit to how much I can give without getting anything back - which is how I see his lack of communication. an occassional direct response would be giving back. if I can tell him that I would like him to respond once in a while to my contact in a light hearted way, then I can also tell him that I miss him without it being overly dramatic. I know there's a great guy in there

So - I thnk I just needed to talk about this with people who would not tell me I'm crazy for wanting him in my life or that he's a loser or countless other things like that. That stuff just makes me feel worse about my own judgements and feelings. I know he's not perfect, but he is my friend and I love him for that reason.

Thanks for your responses and for listening.

Toni

Toni