Question: One thing?

Avatar for legs2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Question: One thing?
21
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 10:09pm
Here I am again in my thoughtful mode. My apologies for those of you who are sick of my questions. But your telling me things like I ask help me (and others here) so much. It makes me not feel so horribly alone in this illness.

So here are my questions:

The one thing you feel got you into this depression?

The one thing you wish you could change about your life?

The one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

The one thing you would change about depression?

The one thing....a gift you would give to anyone here, it can be anything....use your imagination.

Thanks for putting up with my constant questions.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

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Avatar for legs2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 10:24pm
I will be brave and tell you mine first.



The one thing you feel got you into this depression?

An abusive relationship, I was never good enough. It took away all my self-esteem, and it took quite sometime to get most of it back. lol

The one thing you wish you could change about your life?

I wish I could find a person to share my life with

The one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wish I was not so lazy and un-motivated. I just can't seem to get anything done.

The one thing you would change about depression?

I wish depression was not so hard to diagnos and treat. I wish there was more understanding medically. I wish there was less bias toward it....oops that was more than one.


The one thing....a gift you would give to anyone here, it can be anything....use your imagination.

I would give Trac an art studio, and a few million dollars so she could do her art full time.


That's it.

Lisa-)

Avatar for susan970002
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:52pm
The one thing you feel got you into this depression?

Both my parents being verbally abusive and my dad being physically abusive. It brings me down quite a bit and I still have a hard time trying not to blame them.

The one thing you wish you could change about your life?

I wish I could go back to all the times I was about to cheat on my husband and said no.

The one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wish I could change the fact that I'm so senseitive about things.

The one thing you would change about depression?

I really don't know..I will have to think about it.

The one thing....a gift you would give to anyone here, it can be anything....use your imagination.

I don't really know anyone on this board but I post on the board called Loved one in Jail/Prison and I would give all the women on there their husbands out of prison for life.








iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 1:06am
The one thing you feel got you into this depression?

My psycho father. He systematically tried to destroy and control the psyches of my mom and his five children. He also molested and raped other people. The extent of his monstrous legacy is still being explored in lawsuits against the Episcopal Church.

The one thing you wish you could change about your life?

That's fascinating question. I wish I'd had more loving, healthier parents.

The one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wish that I didn't react with such deep, primal despair when I get hurt. I wish that I didn't go to the sense of worthlessness and even feeling suicidal. I wish I had a core sense that life is safe.

The one thing you would change about depression?

I would make it not exist. It is horrible, pervasive and self-perpetuating. It is a painful abyss.

The one thing....a gift you would give to anyone here, it can be anything....use your imagination.

I would give Erin a sense of love for herself, to drive her towards her own self-healing, to know she has value.

I would give VogueGirl her health and happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 2:32am
MariaC, I know this isn't an answer to the original questions, but I just read your post and wanted to say that I really feel for you. I also dealt with a emotionally abusive father, although yours does sound much more "psycho" and horrendous than mine.

I can also identify completely with the one thing you wish you could change about yourself...if I had been able to find the words, I would have said the same about myself. That "deep, primal despair" rises in me as well, even in reaction to an objectively minor slight or hurt. I also feel I am lacking something basic to a happy life, that "core sense" you mention.

Mainly, I want to thank you for putting words to these feelings. Although I would take away all your hurt and despair if I could, I am comforted by the knowledge that I am not the only one who feels this way. So even in describing your pain, you have helped me... and I thank you for that.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit mushy...I think I'm so sleepy I almost feel drunk...but my gratitude is sincere.

Hope you have a good night,

Rose

Avatar for legs2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:59am
Rose, what a lovely response to Maria, I hope you feel you can answer my questions. You and I have always been in tune (at least I think so). You input would mean a lot to me. You are one of the many intelligent and kind people here, and I always get a whole lot out of your posts to me. Even if you simply tell me that you support me, and not something hugely profound. It is always nice to have a friend say something kind.

Thanks for your lovely post to Maria, very sweet.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

Avatar for legs2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:08pm
Thank you for your responses. I can't tell you how much your sharing of yourself helps me.

Thank you!!!!


Lisa-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:56pm
Lisa---Fabulous group of questions. You are quite the deep thinker!

Answers:

The one thing you feel got you into this depression?

Definately my abusive upbringing. Mostly thanks to my physical and emotional abusive father.

The one thing you wish you could change about your life?

Being debt free comes probably first. Close tie--getting rid of depression.


The one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My perception of the world. I really want to believe that there's still great people out there, but recently, I am finding that it's an "all about me world" and you have to sort through and find the diamonds in the rough.

The one thing you would change about depression?

not having it, or having a miracle drug to get rid of it!

The one thing....a gift you would give to anyone here, it can be anything....use your imagination.

To give a plane ticket to lisa so I can give her a real life hug!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 11:45pm
Thanks so much, Lisa, it really means a lot to me. I agree that we seem to be in tune... and I always appreciate your questions because they are very thought-provoking...the only problem is, I sometimes can't seem to come up with an answer that I feel comfortable with! Maybe I am just too much of a perfectionist...but I find it is also difficult for me to put my feelings into words many times. I do want to let you know that your posts to me have really helped me in my down times, and in my (rare) not-so-down times...thanks again for the support.

I will try to answer your questions as best as I can...(you and I both know the answers will probably be lengthy, sorry!) here goes:

The one thing you feel got you into this depression?

--As much as I dislike placing blame, like several others who have posted here, I feel that my father played a large part in my depression. I think that I most likely had a predisposition to depression, but spending much of my childhood and adolescence sobbing while he yelled, or jumping in fear when I heard his footsteps, surely didn't help. And the fact that even to this day, no one in my family even acknowledges that it happened makes me question my own judgment and memory; the fact that my mother, the one person I can say I truly love, didn't intervene to help me (even when I asked for her help), makes me wonder who I can trust...or how there can be good in the world.

The one thing you wish you could change about your life?

Here is where I have trouble coming up with an answer...so I will head off on a bit of a tangent. Today I was thinking about this past summer and fall and the nearly unbearable physical pain I was in from fibromyalgia. Even though I am not "religious," I sometimes feel like I have an understanding with God on certain issues...and as silly as this probably sounds, I told God (or the universe, or whatever is out there!) that if the pain would decrease, I would be happy...I would be grateful for every single day.

Fortunately, a doctor put me on some medications that did just that (antidepressants, how ironic...I know fibromyalgia has been tied to a decrease in serotonin, as depression has, so I guess it makes sense). Today I was trying to imagine what life was like for me just a few months ago, and I couldn't even recapture the feeling of pain...I know my therapist told my mom what I had said, that I went to bed crying from pain, and woke up crying too...I was barely able to concentrate on what my therapist said...and she once had my mom drive an hour and a half to come pick me up from my appointment because she didn't think it was safe for me to drive home. But strangely enough, I have trouble remembering what that felt like...and I don't think I am at all as grateful as I should be for my "new" life.

Even though working has gotten increasingly painful lately, it is nothing compared to what I was dealing with before. I even gave in to temptation and went jogging today... and although I'll probably be sore tomorrow, I was able to do it without much pain...and it gave me an emotional boost...I realize now how much I have missed being able to run.

But...the gist of what I'm trying to say...I'm not happy, even though I'd promised God that I would be. I am trying hard...wandering the trails of a local park with a lake recently, I have even had moments of gratitude and a greater sense of peace than usual. But still, I don't feel that I am as appreciative of my much less painful existence as I should be. Instead of being suicidal purely because of the physical pain, I have in the past weeks become somewhat suicidal over objectively trivial issues...and I have had moments of the deep emptiness that once pervaded my life. I still worry that I will not be able to survive medical school, physically or emotionally (and still question if it's what I really want to do anyway)...and I am even envious of people who manage to run marathons, volunteer, attend med school, etc...when it is still a struggle for me to make it through an 8-to-5 day before I collapse from exhaustion and aching muscles.

I know there is not a switch I can flip on to "make" myself happy, and I suppose it was a bit much to promise that I would be happy if my pain let up. But what I think I am saying is that I don't feel that any change in my life would significantly improve my mood for an extended period of time. I know I live a privileged life compared to many across the world, and still I often wish I didn't have to live it.

If I were pressed to give a short, more tangible answer, though, I guess it would be nice to win a merit scholarship to med school (very few med schools give these out, and they are hard to get)...I will interview for one in March that would cover all my tuition for 4 years...and it would be nice not to worry constantly about every penny, as I do now.

I'm sorry, I think I've already exceeded my word quota for the day! I will try to answer the rest of your questions tomorrow, if that's all right...I'd better get some sleep before my early wake-up time tomorrow. I do still worry over every word that I post here, not the fault of anyone here...but part of me thinks that the more I write, the more there is to criticize...I dislike myself enough already...so I feel especially vulnerable to criticism, even when it is deserved. But you (Lisa) and all of you on this board have been so supportive, and I really thank you for that...this is a wonderful place.

Goodnight, sweet dreams,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:41am
Great questions hope I can give some good answers to them....

The one thing you feel got you into this depression?

My father leaving me and my mom and sister and forgetting about us plus the death of my Aunt who raised me sent me on a downward spiral.

The one thing you could change about your life?

I wish that I was a stronger person and didnt have my son move to Arizona and so far away from me I wish I faught harder against the depression that way I could have been a better mom to my son.

The one thing you could change about yourself.

I wish that I didnt have such a strong hatred towards myself it is so strong that it hurts all of the time.

The one thing you could change about depression?

I wish that it wasnt so cripiling I wish that it was curable.

The one thing....a gift you would give to anyone here, it can be anything....use your imagination.

I would give trix season tickets to the cubs, I would give trac a lifetime supply of art tools, I would give pamela a farm for all the horses she could manage to have, I would give andrea happiness in life, I would give caly strength thru the tough times, I would give MariaC the power to not get into such despair when things are bad, I would give VogueGirl a healthy life with no more stomach pains, I would give Traci lots of love....I could go on and on with all you ladies, but most of all I would give you all tons of hugs and love and light and happiness and peace.

Erin


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 12:36pm

First off,

*hugs             

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