Need some advice
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| Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:21pm |
Let me first start out saying is that I'm glad iVillage is here. I don't know what I would do without it. It's a good thing the WWW is open 24 hours and I can always come and post what I am thinking.
Your right, I have some things going on in my life that are overwhelming me to me.
When, I turned 16 I started having problems with my parents. We got a new computer and it had Windows 95 on it and also the internet. I eventually started spending a lot of time on the internet, mostly chatting online. It got progressively worst and now I take medication because I have OCD of the Internet. Right now it's getting worse because my husband is in prison and I don't have much to do. I don't have a job. I don't have my husband here with me to do things. I really don't have any friends and the friends I do have aren't positive people. They are gossips and they aren't honest. The things that I have done to my parents really bother me. For quite a few years, I would run huge long distance bills, take their credit cards, etc. I don't even know if my parents trust me or not. I think they are starting to trust me again because I haven't done anything like this for about a year and a half. It hasn't happened in a while, but both my parents are psychologically abusive and my dad was physically abusive for a while. I won't get into that because it's hard for me to talk about it. My parents think that I have depression because I'm addicted to the internet. I am really sad because of the decisions I have made in my life. Worst of all, my parents don't like the person I married because he has a criminal record. I can see through that and know that he is a good person. I pray every night that my parents will realize and come to like him. My parents used to like him before they know he had a criminal record. I ask myself why they can't over look this because God has. Right now my parents are living at their second home in New Mexico and I don't have much contact with them. The last few conservations have been positive.
Another thing is that my sister got married in June and my parents approve of the man she married. They had a big wedding for her and my parents didn't even come to my wedding because they were out in New Mexico and even if they were in Ohio, they wouldn't have come. Now, my sister and her husband are expecting a baby. I talked to my sister the other day (Friday)and I didn't really want to talk to her because I'm afraid she will start an argument because the times before that she would start an argument. The time before when I talked to my sister, I told her that I would like to go to one of her doctor's appointments with her so I could hear the baby's heart beat and see the ultrasound. She said this was a possibility and then she said, but I don't want your husband involved. That really hurt. I am a sensitive person and when she said, I started to cry. My dad told my brother in law about my past and this hurts me. I felt like it wasn't his business and I still feel that way. My mom feels like I have such hatred toward my father. I love my dad, but it's hard for me to get along with him because of the physical abuse. My parents and sister feel that I deserved to be physically abused. They don't see anything wrong with it and when confronted about it, it always turns into a screaming match. And whenever I suggest that we get family counseling, they tell me that I can't bring up the fact that I was physically abused. My parents even see a therapist when it comes to dealing with me. I guess they are just as much as frustrated with me as I with them. I don't quite understand it.
I'm also having problems staying faithful while my husband is in prison. My husband thinks that I was forced into having sex with my friend’s boyfriend, he doesn't know about the time I had sex with my friend John. He also thinks that this guy we both know forced me to perform oral sex on him and I did. I didn't really want to do it, but some how it happened. Another so-called friend of ours started playing around with my private parts and that is the truth. I never touched him though. I really don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell the truth because he probably won't want anything to do with me. Hopefully, I will be going to see my husband and I don't know if I should tell him in person, in a letter or on the phone.
I'm sorry to keep rambling on but I just have a few more things to talk about. Right now, I'm living off my SSDI and SSI. I don't have a job and this bothers me because I'm over $2,000 in debt. I get $30.00 a week in spending money and that's fine with me but I would like to have a job. I'm fearful about working in a fast food restaurant because it's so faced pace at times and it's hard for me to work under pressure. I thought about working at the Waffle house again, but that's fast too at times and it's difficult for me to remember the abbreviations for all the food. I know I shouldn't make excuses, but it's just hard for me to work under pressure. Do you have any suggestions?
I also really don't know much about BPD. I don't even know when my psychiatrist diagnosed me with it. My parents knew I was diagnosed with it before I did. My case manager told them and then like a year later, my parents told me. I did some research on it but now I can't even remember what I read. At times, I get very angry and I find myself sometimes manipulating people. I feel like I have such anger towards my brother in law because he knows my past and my dad because he physically abused me. I can't see to let go of the past. Whenever my dad and I argue the past always comes up. My dad says that I owe him and my mom thousands of dollars and he has a record of it. Well, I guess that's all. I'll write more later. I would appreciate some suggestions and more information of BPD. Thanks.
-Susan

It's obvious that your family abused you. It's obvious that you have been through severe trauma. It's also clear from your story that you are the family "scapegoat." That means that all of the family problems are blamed on you. You are identified as the problem so that everyone can act like they have no problems. People with Borderline Personality Disorder are usually women and have usually had abusive childhoods.
You probably will have a hard time finding helpful information on BPD. I recently went to a lecture on it (I'm getting my masters in psychology). The speaker was very helpful and gave hope to Borderlines. She spoke about them in a different way than anyone I've ever heard. She said that the main issue with people with BPD is that they have strong needs to love and security, but the things they do to get these needs met have the opposite results. They do extreme things to get people to stay with them. This drives people away.
The speaker also said that people with Borderline Disorder have the most potential for growth. The biggest barrier is a resistance to trying new ways of getting their needs met. BPD tends to make people impulsive and emotionally reactive.
I have the names of two different books that this speaker highly recommended for BPD. I will look them up and post them for you tomorrow. I can't remember where I put them right now and my dh has already turned out the light for the night.
One thing you should know is that your family has you pegged as the scapegoat. This will never change. Their whole identity rests on you being the bad one. As long as you try to get support and approval from them, you will feel hurt and frustrated by them.
How much longer is your husband in prison for? Did he commit more crimes while you were married? I'm sorry that you in such a lonely position. I think Ivillage is great too. Lots of support here.
Take Care,
MariaC
Thanks for responding to my message. I appreciate your support and advice.
I have to say that I do agree with you as being the family "scapegoat". But it seems like my parents, sister and brother-in-law all have it made for them and they don't have any problems. My mom, to this day, thinks she's a perfect person in every possible way. When I think she has done something to me that was wrong, she never apologizes. For her, this is a hard thing to do. It could be as simple as telling me that I won't amount to anything. I think I mentioned in my first post that I am a sensitive person and cry easily. When she or my dad say things like this, I cry.
The speaker you saw, was right that people with BPD have a strong need to love someone and have security that they love you too. When my husband and I were dating, I can remember some times that he would want to leave for a few hours to get out of the house. I would pressure him to stay and sometimes he wouldn't and I would stand in front of the door, so he couldn't get out. Since that has happend a few times, I have learned not to do that anymore because it just causes more arguments between him and I. He loves me enough that my actions haven't driven him away. He wants to stay with me because he knows that I need support, among many other reasons.
Once again, the speaker was right when said that people with BPD have the most potential for growth. I have a case manager through a mental health agency and she has told me quite a few times that I can overcome this battle with depression and BPD and she sees me as one of the most potential person among her other clients.
Why do you say that my family has pegged me as being the scapegoat and this will never change? I am curious to hear your reasoning for this.
My husband will be getting out of prison on May 15, 2005 or it could happen earlier. Yes, he has committed one crime since we have been married.
I will look forward to hearing from you. Please tell me about those books.
Take care.
Susan