At my lowest

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
At my lowest
2
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 1:25am
The first line is always the hardest but I need to get this out somehow before it totally consumes me. I am almost in tears just being here, typing this...Depression is not new to me. I was on meds for about a year 3 years ago after realizing I had been depressed for the majority of my life (I am now 22). When I started feeling better I quit the meds thinking it was over. I have recently understood that depression is never over, I was in denial. All the symptoms have resurfaced and I have spent the last, oh gee, maybe 6 months trying to convince myself I am lazy or it's just what I am and not the depression that is returning.

I am at the point in my life where saddness shouldn't exist. I am engaged, trying to plan my future, school, a big move from Ontario to Mississippi to be with my Fiance and instead of doing everything I can to get the ball rolling I am at a stand still, with no motivation or drive to start anything, even the smallest task. I know those around me look down on me because of all the things I said I would do and haven't got around to. I have been telling everyone I'm looking into school for the passed 3 years with no results. Sleep is my bestfriend. There are no worries when I am sleeping. I barely see the sun unless I am at work, which is really the only time I leave the house unless I absolutely have to. I am becomming more withdrawn, pushing people away even my Fiance who I am having doubts about. I'm starting to believe I would be better off alone, living in total isolation from everyone and everything.

I am at my lowest and completely lost. I don't want my family walking on egg shells around me the way they did last time but I know I need help, soon...I can't deal with this anymore, this isn't living.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: lunarshadow
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 1:55am
I understand that you are in deep despair and pain right now. Isolating is a normal urge when you are depressed. I know that feeling of sabotaging my relationships and pushing people away.

Do you feel uncertain of going back on medication? I ask because it sounds like it really worked for you before. I resisted medication for 8 years. I thought it was just numbing yourself out. I was into healthy living andmedication didn't go with that vision. I was finally so low that medication was my last hope before suicide. So I did it. My fiance was against it. I didn't care. I couldn't take the pain anymore. Within 2 months of trying an antidepressant I felt better. Not totally better, but better than I had in years. The medication has made a big difference. Cognitive Therapy has helped, as well.

I finally got myself to the masters program I had been thinking about doing for 7years. I'm halfway through it now, and loving it. I've had more happiness this past year than I've had for years and years. I'm better able to deal with things. I still have spirals down, but I have longer times of peace. I've been on medication for 3 and a half years now. It's been a year and a half since I went into Cogntive therapy. It helped so much.

If you don't do anything else, call the doctor who prescribed your medication and make an appointment. The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. You don't have to do any of the things you feel overwhelmed about. Just make one phone call for your own peace of mind. Just one call.

We're always here,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
In reply to: lunarshadow
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 6:57pm
Maria...Thank you. I appreciate your post and I am happy to hear you are doing so well.

Perhaps this is the first positive thought I've had for a long long time but if going back on the medication will make me feel better, get me back on track, stop thinking bad thoughts and doing the things I've been putting off then that's what I will do. It is making that call though that's the toughest when it really should be the easiest.

Thanks again!