Really Down poss trigs
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Really Down poss trigs
| Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:57pm |
Hi everyone, As I was reading thru some of the posts I realized how many of us seem to be going thru a bad time right now. It actually made me feel a little betterto know that I wasn't the only one. I just wish I could talk to some or all of you about these feelings. We have had a nice day here, but I am just too down to even pretend to enjoy it. My concert last night went well and I had a nice piccolo solo---but afterwards I didn't go to the after concert party. I just wanted to come home and go to bed. Today I couldn't get up for mass and I have become obsessed with losing 20 pounds so that I can die thin. Is that the stupidest thing you have ever heard?? I called my daughter a little while ago. She sounded so down that I began to worry. I know she's just tired, but I worry. I feel like I am being sucked into a big hole and I am having trouble remembering why I am suppose to resist. I wish I could take tomorrow off----but I've used up all my sick days and I don't dare take any more. I have a couple of personal days left----but we are going to Texas in April to see our daughter, so I need to save them. I hate this so much. Why do we have to feel this way? Why do we keep trying to go on when we keep getting pulled back into the hole? I just don't know anymore if this is worth it. Better go now.

I know it can be hard to see reasons to resist falling into that deep, dark pit...at times like that, I try to think of the effect my actions would have on my family...and in your case, on your students. Even if I don't feel like going on, I try just for the sake of others...that may not be a great way to go through life, but hopefully it helps me make it through until I can see a greater purpose and hope for a better life.
Even though I wish you were feeling better, I am still glad to see you posting here...did you know that your presence has a positive effect on people all across the country?! :) Seriously, though, I feel I am struggling along with you, and I couldn't bear to lose you...not only would it be a horrible personal loss, but it would give me less hope for my own future and for the lives of every other depressed person.
It's not stupid for you to be worrying about losing 20 pounds...it does sadden me, though, because it shows that you are focusing more on your death than on your life. Do you realize, though, that if you were to die (which I pray does not happen for many, many years!), everyone you know would be so devastated that they would not even notice if you had lost or gained weight? And it wouldn't matter, anyway...no one would be comforted by the fact that you appeared thin...they would only be deeply hurt that you were dead.
I hope this isn't triggering...I only want for you to keep hanging on for as long as you can...and for you to get whatever help and use whatever tools you can to do that. If that means taking off personal days that you may need later, so be it...if you would feel better having a day to yourself, please take it. Sometimes it seems like our thinking gets twisted in depression...honestly, will you even be able to make it to that trip to your daughter's if you don't get a mental break? I'm sure your daughter wants what's best for you...and I think she would understand if you need a day off.
Please keep posting here...I am thinking of you and hoping that you will find even a small reason to go on...besides all the people here and in your "offline" life who care about you and want you alive and healthy.
Hugs,
Rose
I'm headed to bed myself (or at least I will try), and I hope you can get some sleep too. Be careful about overdoing it with the Ambien, though...but I'm sure you know that. I'll be thinking about you,
Rose