Just need to vent. probably triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Just need to vent. probably triggers
1
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 11:39am
I just found this web board, and on the surface, I'm glad I found it. I say on the surface because I really don't feel much of anything anymore. I've never been clinically diagnosed with depression, but my mother suffers from it, and we have alot of the same 'symptoms'. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest, and hope that someone-somewhere will reply and that whatever that person has to say will penetrate the fog in my head.

I'm scared. I'm really, REALLY scared now. I've been feeling like this for so long that I can't remember what it's like to be happy. To be normal. To be free. I feel so empty inside most of the time, so lonely, so numb. Nothing seems to get through anymore. I used to get anxious when I knew something good was coming up. It was hard to sleep the night before because I knew I would be having so much fun or enjoying whatever was coming up. Now-I'm lucky if I get 3 hours of sleep a night, and everyday is a struggle to get out of bed. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Doing what needs to be done because that's the only other option. There's no joy anymore-except when I'm with my nephew. He's the only thing that makes me happy anymore. 8 months old, a beautiful smile-and a laugh that makes me laugh. Sometimes I think he's the only thing keeping me sane. I have no desire to kill myself. No desire to stop living. I want to beat this, I want to be whole again. I don't see suicide or death as an answer. I want to live. I want to be me again. I just don't know how to go about doing it. Some days aren't so bad. Others are almost more than I can stand. I've taken workshops through my job-one in particular that I thought would help-Writing the Self into Wholeness. I learned alot during the class, but have found no practical way to incorporate the message into my everyday life. I'm currently reading "Yoga for Depression", hoping that I can take away from this book what will help me to get over this hump. I don't want to be on medication. I don't want to rely on any more substances. It's hard enough dealing with the addiction to marijuana. I can't get to sleep without it. That's another story, and one I'm dealing with.

Anyway...my basic question is...when does it start getting better? Does it? Is there anything I can do? Thanks for all the help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:53pm
Hi sweetie, welcome to the board!

Have you thought of talking with a therapist?? It always helps when you have someone who is trained in the ways of the mind to talk to. Most, if not all, anti-depressants are not addictive, and I think of it like "I'd rather be in meds and feel half way normal than be off meds and be almost catatonic". And most of the ladies here on the boards will agree. But that is completely your decision!!

I have always found that getting outside in the fresh air and sun help. The sun is actually proven to help alleviate depressino somewhat. I know when I stayed holed up inside all day I feel terrible, but when I make myself get out into the sun, I feel a whole lot better all day.

Do you work? What kind of family support do you have?

One thing that I have to be careful with is my sleep. I am a terrible sleeper. I can't nap during the week, or Sunday's when I know I have to work the next day. If I nap, I can't sleep that night. I know I like...no LOVE to sleep. It's so nice to be able to take a break from all those thoughts that run around in your head, right?

Again, I would suggest a therapist to talk to. Sometimes that can make all the difference.

I am looking forward to getting to know you.

Take care

Pamela

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