Very depressed and alone.
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| Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:59pm |
I am 28, married and have a 2 year old.
First issue of my depression is money. We don't have any. We are in so much debt and I feel like I can't breathe.
2nd, is I feel so lonely. My husband and I don't have any type of relationship. I am not in love with him. We just co-exist.
3rd is my friendships. They all have dissappeared. I always feel like I am on the backburner with the few close friends that I have. Today I exploded at one of them. I just feel so alone and I don't think asking for a day together is too much.
There are so many other things, I just feel alone and pathetic. And if you met me you would never know, because I always wear a smile, when inside I feel like I am a fish without water.
Any advice and support would be greatly appreciated.
Lori


Lori, honey, I'm glad you came here.
Heather
I was 25, married for 3-1/2 years, just lost my six month old son (2nd child) to leukemia, in a new country/environment, no job, no money. There was so much to cope with--we were in a new country because of my husband's job--the day after we arrived, he went to work right away to leave me and my daughter alone to fend for ourselves. I am not helpless, in fact, very independent, but he could have been more supportive, having gone halfway around the world to support his career. Anyway, that was the easy part. In three months since our arrival, we were already 5000 in debt as he wanted the best things (having been used to it back home) even if he couldn't afford it even with his paycheck. It didn't bother him at all we were in debt as much as it did me. I decided to wear the pants and take over this aspect--financial.
I got the first job offered, even if I didn't like it, kept me away from my 4 year old daughter and didn't even cover most of our needs (moreso to pay debts). I ended up job jumping, grabbing any better paying job just to be able to start paying debts he accumulated (I am not totally blameless--I was an enabler, blame it on so-called blind love--that was then though). Because I eventually earned twice more than he was, I held the purse strings (but this was a secret only known to the two of us then--his family and friends thought he was doing a good job of supporting us). After 4 years, I cleared our debts (US$10,000 roughly), even afforded to travel for vacations, shopping, etc.
Despite all that, he never took me out on a date that he'd spend for (he used to before we married). He would take his friends out, they would spend time together--you know the guy thing. He was never interested in my work or the people I worked with. While I would have preferred that we went out together, it didn't worry him if I went out on my own to meet co-workers. This didn't last because what I wanted was togetherness with him.
From being surrounded by tons of people during my teens, at that point, my life had revolved around my daughter and family life. I learned to cope but made the effort to befriend his friends and their spouses.
After 6 years, we came back home (in support of his career), I gave up a very, very good paying job to be a nobody again.
We were not home a year yet, I find out he was having an affair (which he of course denies--but a woman knows). Within a month, my 11 year marriage was over--I made the decision to end it. I was not going to allow him to walk all over me anymore, have him be the one looking and smelling good even if he was the one cheating. Upon separation, everyone thought I was the one with the problem and the one at fault, including my own family. I became more isolated from my family, his family, I only had one friend, my best friend from college who saw me through the whole ordeal, I was shut out from the supposed circle of friends I had already made. I only had my daughter (my inspiration and source of strength) and my best friend.
It was already during this time that I was officially diagnosed to be clinically depressed. I started seeing a therapist and was under medication for a few weeks. Since I had no job, insurance, money, I realized and again consciously made the decision to end it---too expensive to be depressed!
For two years I kept my distance from my family and pretty much everyone else--by choice. Until one day, the truth came out who cheated whom and who was what.
I am now in my second relationship, I initiated and had my marriage annulled. My daughter, who is 16 is a healthy beautiful teenager who would prefer not to have anything to do with her father. We are about to relocate to be with my SO in another country. I am happy with my new relationship and with my relationship with my daughter. I have since reconciled with my family but still keep a safe distance. When I get the chance I allow myself to gloat to remind people they have misjudged me. I am still clinically depressed and have feelings of emptiness, uselessness and sadness. I just remind myself I am still lucky, happiness will come my way soon enough and most especially it is too expensive to be depressed, I can't afford it!
At the end of the day, we have to make our own choices which will be good for us for the moment. Many, many people have not (and still do not) agree with my own choices. No one else can make that decision for you nor tell you what to do. That is why I chose all the above, no regrets, make the most of it and hopefully my story may either make you feel better, if not help you begin with small choices.
Susan
you may email me direct at jsusan64@yahoo.com if you just need to "talk" some more.