Newbie w/? for 30-something moms
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| Sat, 03-06-2004 - 12:07am |
I'm a 35-yr old divorced mom of 3 with a live-in boyfriend. I have 3 healthy kids, a good job that I like, and a semi-supportive family. I am truly depressed sometimes, and the rest of the time, I am just on what I call "the mids"--where I am pretty successful at not being depressed by just not feeling much at all.
It is so hard for me to express just what is going on inside my head. I get so depressed sometimes that it's hard to pin down the cause. But I know that the main thing getting me down lately is that I feel like my sexual life is over, and at 35, that's a hard pill to swallow.
I wish that just once I could live out a fantasy of mine...
In this fantasy, I get fixed up and get dressed up. And when I'm done, I feel beautiful from top to bottom. Not perfect, certainly, but beautiful. The man I love admires me openly, and takes me out to show me off. We slow dance, we talk quietly, and we stroll as if we have nowhere better to go. I never feel like he's got better things to do, better people to be with. Then he takes me home, undresses me, and kisses me long and hard. We have wild, passionate sex, the kind where I forget who I am for a while. I don't worry about any of my physical imperfections because I'm too caught up in the moment, and because my man has made me believe that they don't matter.
It seems like such a little thing to ask, but I might as well be asking for a million dollars in quarters.
I did have that a couple of times, even once not so long ago. I had regained my self-esteem to a large degree, and I felt almost sexy for a while. It was a lovely feeling, though largely false.
It is difficult enough to live and laugh and love without regard to any personal gain when it seems the world is against me. It is pure hell to do any of that knowing that my simplest wish - to feel sexy and alive - is forever out of reach. I feel guilty just wanting this, since everyone tries to tell me I should focus on the good things I do have. They are right, and I do try. I am eternally grateful for my healthy children, the people who love me, and the fact that I don't sleep in a cardboard box at night. But my hope, my life force, my very soul has faded away because I know that I will never again be thought of as beautiful by someone who isn't my parent or child, someone who loves to look at me, someone who I make just a little bit crazy with desire.
So, my question is this...am I alone in this feeling? Is there anyone like me out there?
Red

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Red))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I think all of us would like to have your fantasy.
God bless,
becky
Hi and welcome to the board!!
I dont think at all that what you want is out of the ordinary or that you are alone.
*hugs