battle inside of my head
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| Sat, 03-06-2004 - 4:47pm |
Sorry that I really havent posted, it seems to be a constant thing with me I am eayther around too much or kinda go away and it drives me nuts....
I wish I could say I have not been around because things have been great but that would mean I am lying and I dont want to do that, I have been in a constant battle with my head for over two weeks now, I didnt go see my pdoc or my tdoc this week, just didnt feel like talking nor did I really have the energy to do so.
I have so much going on with my head right now I really couldnt get into it and if I tried it would not make much sense anyways I hate thinking so much all the time thinking about wha tI dont know everything I guess, I get worked up and eather cry get quiet or get really mad or all three at the same time.
I am going to my shrink on tuesday and my pdoc on wednesday so I guess I will have to try to explain to them what is going on it is just sometimes it is so hard to put things into words I have all these thought and things that I want to say but getting it out is the hard part.
Things are okay with my sister we talk at least but only if Luis isnt home once he is home I dont exist but I am used to it, I just wish I knew why my sister doesnt like spending time with me when Luis is home what is wrong with me.
Sareen is back from Mass now and living at home I am happy in a way but I have changed over these past few months I dont enjoy going out and drinking like I used to I am happy just staying home, and now we run into jason alot and I hate that because I really care for him but he makes me feel like crap like I am good enough to sleep with but not good enough for anything else.
Then we end up talking about Jon the guy who I told you all about who couldnt get it up and blamed me he and I hung out for a while but just another person who say me good enough to sleep with but not good enough for anything more and I still can not get him out of my head I still think about him and when I think that I am going to run into him I get anxious I know that I sound stupid and almost like a teenage girl but it is so true I hate being this way and I wish I could move on and now I find myself attracted to one of the guys I work with but he is alot younger than me but he is sweet and nice and the other day I was not feeling very well so he braught me some tea stuff like that means alot to me I know I am stupid.
I just feel so blah these past few weeks not worth much dont mean anything to anyone I just want to be loved I am so lonley right now and I hate it I dont want to feel like this anymore I dont think I can stand feeling like this for much longer it hurts so not only do I have the pain of hating myself but now I have the pain of feeling alone to deal with also will it ever end?
Erin

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Oh Sweetie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I so feel for you,
Sweetie, I was wondering, do you journal at all? Have you tried to get your feelings out on paper? Maybe you could take that into your therapist/pdoc? Just a thought.
Take care
Pamela
it sounds like your sister has her own issues- is it possible she likes to spend time alone with luis and isn't being good about realizing that in turn she is being rude to you? sometimes people get so wrapped up in their relationship with one person that they ignore another and don't even mean to. there are lots of icky guys out there who use us- by the way, with all of these guys after you, don't even try to tell us you think you are unattractive anymore! :) just kidding. maybe just focus on your friendship with the guy at work- you don't have to like him if there is nothing there, but that doesn't mena that his friendship isn't awesome. how sweet of him to bring you tea. with my bad health, that is always my measure of how good a guy (or a friend) is- how they are when i am sick. i have had people actually tell me i am annoying them with how i am always sick- which showed that they aren't worth having as friends. i also find that unlikely people- like my neighbor- are totally there for you when you need them- she will run down to the convenience store for me and get me gatorade if i was really doing badly and couldn't go myself. i think that shows alot about people.
don't be upset about the boys. there are lots of bad ones, but there are good ones too. i promise. and we've all been there :) (i know i have and so have my friends!) hope you are feeling more cheery today. here's a big computer ((((hug)))). i know it will all work out. hope you are feeling better.