No Way To Win

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
No Way To Win
4
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 11:17am
I know, after yesterday's good showing at contest I should be on a natural high. I can remember when I use to just give lessons and had 20 students. Contest was such a big deal. I usually had about 35 events and the girls always did so well. I would be UP for days. I read all of your posts and thank you for being so happy for me. So, I should be happy too---right?

Everything is just getting worse tho. My therapist is going out of town for two weeks and had to cancel my next appointment. So it will be a month before I see him again. He has me on a list to come in and see him if he has a cancellation----but that never happens. Even if it does----chances are I wouldn't be able to go due to my work schedule. I was suppose to see my psy-doc on Monday--I was actually suppose to see him two weeks ago---but managed to stretch it to 4 weeks. Anyway-----I cancelled the appointment because I'm too depressed at the moment to see him. Yes----I know that makes no sense. I made up a lot of excuses about extra rehearsals and school stuff and now I'm not going again til the 24th of this month.

My marriage is getting worse and worse, but he has all the money-----so I'm trapped.

Ok---enough complaining. I need to get to mass and try to share some of this with God.

Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: flute54
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 12:23pm

Hi hun!


It sounds like you are doing what I do lots of times and that is getting worried about things that havent happened. I know its scary that you cant see your Therapist for a month now, but it doesnt mean you cant make it through.

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: flute54
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 1:25pm
(((Caly))) I admire the stength it must have taken for you to leave your marriage. I hope someday I can be that strong too. I actually have always kept a separate checking account and a savings account too. They never have too much in them ( I only began teaching full time 2 and 1/2 years ago) but I never wanted to have to beg for money to do this, that or the other. What I meant by him having the money is that he makes a good paycheck and I make a teacher's salary. To make it even worse----it is a Catholic teacher's salary! I think of it as a ministry. :)

My husband and I had such a good strong marriage for so many years. It wasn't until I got 'sick' and then no matter how many different meds I tried----I still felt terrible and my husband just can't understand it. He is now a class A jerk!

This morning at mass I started crying because I know I have no right to be there. I am going to try to kill myself again. It's only a matter of time. What a terrible way to live.

OK----enough wallowing in self pity. I can't die with a messy house! Time to go scrub some bathrooms!

Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: flute54
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 11:39pm
i understand cancelling with your doctor because of depression. it makes perfect sense. when you go, does it really make you feel better? i went to so many different people before i found one that i swear when i left i felt like my brain had been at a spa- i just felt at ease. he was the first one that i never cancelled with and wanted to go to whenever i had an appointment. maybe you want to go to someone else when you are feeling a little better? just a thought. i know that this probably isn't my business, so excuse me if i am stepping over the line. my mom has been in a really bad marriage for like 25 years now, and there were many times where she didn't leave because my dad had the money and she felt like she couldn't. she still hasn't left, which i think is sad, but she has been putting aside money a little at a time for herself so that if she ever has the guts, she has a little bit to do it with. i know that life is getting you down right now, but keep your chin up- it will get better! sending you big hugs!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: flute54
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 6:37am
(((Vogue)))Thank you for the advice and words of encouragement. I actually love my doctor (which is too bad since he's gay) and the reason I cancelled is because I hate making him feel bad. He always looks so sad/discouraged when I am not feeling well. I probably should have gone-----there are some changes in meds that my therapist had talked to my doctor about and I suppose things need to be decided. I hope your mom gets the courage to leave her bad marriage someday. I probably never will. I'm too spoiled by the nice house, car, etc. (Materialistic of me, I know) Have a good day. Debbie