My life is falling apart......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
My life is falling apart......
3
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 10:22am


I want to start this by saying thank you to those who replied to my post over the weekend, and thank you for the advice I will try all that you have told me.

I am sitting here in tears I cant stop shaking and I cant smile, I am being pleasant to those at work making small talk I had to put the mask on this morning on my way into work I cant show them what I really am today.

Yesterday I was cleaning my room, Luis has some boxes in my room and I wanted to clean up the area where they are so I moved them not all of them just a few that way I can make some space for my things, well he and my sister get home and I run to the store when I get back Luis is in my room he say to me "Why did you move my boxes" I reply with it is my room and I wanted to clean up that area, he replies with "dont move my boxes there are fragile things in there and if you brake them you will pay for them" I reply with I am not in the mood to hear your mouth, and you are wasting your time talking to me, he says" Do you think that I want to talk to you," I just stay quiet, he then says" You dont want to mess with me (he used another word but I cant say it here), He then says "I am not the type of person you want to mess with" (yet another word I cant say here) I tell him you dont know me and not to mess with me.

So now I am upset he threatend me and I do not feel safe or comfortable in my house, I am upset at the fact that my sister didnt even say anything to him about what he said to me she told me that he had a right to get made at me because I moved his boxes all this over boxes stupid boxes I made sure that I was careful when I boved them I made sure that nothing was dropped, I dont like Luis at all but I would not brake or damage anything of his and the fact that my sister sides with him not even hearing me out makes me sick.

This morning I am in the shower Jennifer comes in to get Hannah brush and she asks me if I am watching hannah tonight I told her I have to think about it, I am so upset that I dont feel that I can handel hannah tonight I feel like I am going to explode and I dont want hannah around to see that.

I tell Jennifer that I do not feel safe with Luis in the house because he threatened me and she says oh please I tell her that I want to get a restraining order against him and she yells at me tells me to move out of the house that she is done not to get her involved with what is going on with me and Luis I tell her she is involved because she lets him act this way with me.

I finish my shower and go into Hannahs room where my sister is I tll her that all I want is for her to spend a little time with me she tells me that all I do is tak about myself that I am negative and that is why she doesnt spend time with me I tell her to look at herself that maybe I am negative with her because she doesnt give me any time she doesnt talk with me, she says she is done that I need to move out I tell her that if I leave with out getting this straigtened out that we are no more.

She tells me that I sound like a record because I keep saying how she spends all her time with Luis and maybe I do sound like a record but it is the same thing over and over again we talk get things out in the open things are fine for a week then they go back to the way they were before and I cant do this anymore.

I know that I have bad mood swings and I try she doesnt think I do but I try so hard I want to be better but when she doesnt even talk with me I am invisible I have all these thoughts in my head and I have no one to go to she has no idea what it is like for me does she think that I like being like this, I dont know anymore, I cant stop crying I cant stop shaking I cant think straight I am falling apart my life is falling apart I dont exist to anyone I dont matter to anyone I havent felt like dying in so long but right now I dont care anymore I really dont.

I know I probalby sound so petty right now like a child I love my sister so much but she doesnt even see what all this is doing to me why is it so hard for her to se what this is doing I dont understand I feel so alone and to have someone actually spend time talking to me about anything I really dont care what it is about would mean so much to me why cant she see how afraid I am how alone I am how lonley I am how sad I am I am trying so hard to not go back to my coping mechanism the drugs the cutting the starving myself it is all so easy for me to get to it is calling me I can hear it and feel it I am shutting down again WHY CANT SHE SEE THIS.

I am so sorry ladies I really am I am not going to take my own life that is selffish and I cant do that but driing in to work today there was an 18 wheeler driving next to me and he swerved into my lane a bit and I sat there and prayed that he would hit me I thought about swerving into him...

I am so sorry that this is so long and drawn out but I sank my life is nothing I feel like I dont exist anymore...living in that house doesnt help me at all I stay in my room when I am home that way I dont boter anyone but even that doesnt help there is always something that I did wrong I want to dissapear run away never look back.

thank you for reading this and letting me post, I wrote in my journal that didnt help nothing helps I am numb inside I cant even feel my skin I cant feel my body.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:13pm
erin, sweetie, i am so sorry that you are feeling so badly! it is totally unacceptable that luis threatened you and spoke to you that way. i don't even understand why his boxes are in your room- it's your room- he should put them in his own. what a jerk! no one should ever treat you like that. is there anywhere else that you can go? even if you can't afford to move, is there anyone you could hang out at their place or sleep on a couch for a night? even a friend at work- if you tell someone that you feel threatened and unsafe, i'm sure so many people would be happy to help. please don't worry. things will get better. eventually you will get your own place and not have to live with people treating you badly. i remember when i lived at home how hard it was to have your own home feel unsafe and unfriendly. that was when i was hopeless- but trust me, it is just your environment and eventually it will change. there is no reason for you to be treated anything but wonderful! hang in there. things will get better! you will be ok. you are an amazing girl, don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. feel better!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:26pm
erin,

i am so sorry that you are feeling so low. i wish i had some wise words to make you feel better, but i am at a loss. i wanted to send you warm hugs to comfort you and let you know that you are not alone. you are in my thoughts. ~stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:10pm

((((((((Erin))))))))), honey, I can hear how distressed you are!

AcornLeaves