What would you say helped you the MOST?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
What would you say helped you the MOST?
4
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:42pm
My DH is finally coming around and his meds seem to be helping some.

So we are turning another corner and I have new questions...

What I'm trying to find out from you guys is (from your experience) what seems to be the most helpful in dealing with your D?

Reading books? Any reccomendations for him?


I just can't see the fact of spilling out everything to a Therapist would utimately cure you. Do they actually give you tips on how to deal with your sadness?

He did not have any one particular thing happen to him - it does run in his family.

Or is the whole point for the D person to acknowledge his actions, take responsibility, and to do everything in their power to make things right (no matter how hard it is)?

I kept reading that the D must do it own their own and it is up to them to change - I guess that's what I trying to ask is HOW DO THEY DO IT?

How do they fight the fight?

I finally got my DH to come to terms that I will leave him if he doesn't change his behavior? It took some soaking in BUT he is determined to try hard and to do what it takes to keep our relationship happy.

That should be motivation enough - shouldn't it?

Is that what it might take is motivation?

I am a very logically thinking individual - who is trying to understand something that is not logical at all.

There just seems there has to be some "key" words (or guidelines) for him to live by.

Kinda like AA - don't they have 12 steps?







iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:56am


In my own experiance it took seeing what was happening to my family to get me motivated enough to seek a therapist and then a shrink go on meds, but it isnt easy yes I go once a week to therapy and once a month to my shrink and I take my meds every night my family gave me the motivation but that is not a cure at all.

Just talking to someone who is not involved in my life on a personal level helps alot becuase what I say in her office stays there and I do not have to discuss a thing of it with my family unless it is advised that I do so.

Depression is something that will never be cured it may go away but it may come back I have bipolar but I cycle fast from one mood to the next it is called rapid cycling and it is a chronic disease that I on my own will have to fight everyday.

I am sure you sitting with your husband and letting him know what all this is doing to you and your marriage got him motivated but he will need you there for support along the way at least he is trying and you have to give him credit for that.

I am sure that you have been very supportive and I am sure that you are very loving towards him also but dont give up on him I am not saying that you are but I know how it feels to have someone in your family give up on you my sister did it to me and it did not help at all it sent me into a downward spiral.

But anyways what has helped me is alot of yoga I write alot talk alot read listen to classical music that helps me clear my head and put things into a new light I know that your husband may not think of doing these things but I figured I would tell you what helps me out.

I wish you the best of luck and I am sure with your love alone he will continue to fight the good fight.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:00am
i wish there was a 12 step program! :) unfortunately there is no problem/solution equation. books have helped some. i am reading the new mood therapy by david burns now. found great help in co-dependant no more, though i don't know if that would help in your/his situation. as far as therapy, talking about it does help, but there is not always this pinpoint reason to why we feel the way we do. talking it out, talking about how to deal with what we feel is helpful. every day can be a struggle. every day we fight a battle. some days are better than others, some are easier, some i don't feel the sadness, but usually i feel it more than not. it is up to him to fight this. you aren't able to fight it for him, the only thing you can do is hold his hand when he needs you too. i would have to say that the thing that has helped me the most is my SO. he has so totally been there for me in the year we have been together. it has been a rocky year, the depression has been the worst, the hardest because i decided to start dealing with it and fighting it. key words?..... don't give up. best wishes. ~s.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:38am
Thanks for the comments so far - it is more helpful to get feedback from "real" experiences. I came to this board first when I was searching for help and so far so good. I'm not saying it has been an easy path but coming here has been alot of help.

The first thing I realized was that my DH had to make the ultimate decision to "fight the fight" and stay or he would have to leave. I was REALLY ready to leave him but he convienced me by starting to get up and do things everyday that he was willing to try to live life again (with me). I told him it's called a Marriage and he was not contributing to his 1/2 of the parnership ans what was he doing FOR ME?

I came here last night and "uglyboy" had wrote this and it was part of what I was searching for and thought I would post it over here since it relates:

He wrote:

"your husband needs an ongoing source of excitement and you have to help him every step of the way. he needs to be happy with him self and belive me it is sooo very hard to reflect on something so abstract as your feelings and emotions and self-image. but he does need to get off his but and do something and he knows this and he seems like he is destroying his career because he wants to be noticed as an indivual. i am still fighting with my self to not dump all my friends, listen to me blab on!

HE HAS TO FIND THE "TRUTH"! the truth differs from person to person but is the emotional perpose of the being. this is an idealistic statement and is rather abstract but you husband might know what i am saying. (his perpose in life is to please you and if he does not forfill this goal then he is a waste of active chi and is saping the ecosystem) you husband has to find his perpose and forfill it, and be sure to tell him that you love him and look deep into his eyes and remember what brough you together... tell him any thing i said above or none of it (more than likely he doesnt know you are seeking help) but remember, remember...THE "TRUTH" WILL SET HIM FREE!"


Thanks!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 4:33pm
I have been reading some of the posts to your questions and I thought I would share this from another support board. A bit of background, my dh has had depression since I have known him (we met when we were 15) and we have been married for just over 20 years. He finally began getting help for his depression 2 years ago. It has been a long road. This "poem" has helped my put alot in perspective.

To Let Go

To Let Go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To Let Go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.

To Let Go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To Let Go is to not to try to change or blame another, its to make the most of myself.

To Let Go in not to care for, but to care about.

To Let Go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To Let Go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To Let Go is not to be protective, its to permit another to face reality.

To Let Go is not to criticize or regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream to be.

To Let Go is to fear less and love more.

Anonymous


I would also like to recommend a book, "How you can survive when they're depressed" by Anne Sheffield. I don't know if anyone else recommended that - I did not read all of the posts. It is a very good book,the first one I read a few years ago that made me realize I was not the only one in my situation, before I got on the internet. Good luck to you and your dh.