New Here-Need Advice/Clarification

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
New Here-Need Advice/Clarification
2
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 1:16pm
I am a 38-year old recently divorced man from Texas. I do not suffer from depression but I'm trying to get some advice on dealing with my recently divorced wife who I believe has depression. I just thought I'd come here since alot of you are more experienced on the subject than I am. What I thought started out as a "road bump" in our marriage turned out to be alot more.

We were divorced about 1 1/2 months ago after a 4 year marriage and 2 years of dating. I felt our marriage was a good one as we were very close. She was 11 years younger than me but I felt our marriage was fine until about about a year ago. She had just gotten a job promotion at work but took a pay cut in the short term in order to get a chance to move up the ladder. She works mainly with men as it's an engineering firm. I first noticed a gradual change in her personality last May as she began to gradually get more involved with 2 male co-workers (they were friends and 45 years old). These men would buy her lunch everyday and invite her to happy hours after work. I did not find this out from a third party source as she told me all of this upfront. She did not always accept their invitations and she did not come home late. Suffice it to say I wasn't happy with her friendships with these gentleman and we started to argue more often because of it. She said they were only "friends" but I felt she was being emotionally unfaithful as our relationship began to deteriorate more each month. By September 2003, our relationship was reaching "critical" so I decided to take a trip with her to Las Vegas to spend some time with her away from home to patch things up. That's when I noticed her personality change in full. During the trip (which we had taken at least 5 times prior in our marriage)she didn't want to do the things she used to do such as gamble. All she wanted to do was bungee jump and drive around town. She could never sit still and always had to be doing something. She seemed almost catatonic at times. Her sex drive was gone and she began to have terrible headaches. She would change her voice out of nowhere and was constantly irritable and would provoke arguments. She would show almost no emotion. A week after we got back from Vegas she began to insist on taking trips with her girlfriend out of town for the entire weekend. This went on for 8 straight weekends. She could no longer live at home form more than half a week. She began to ignore her parents (she used to talk to them daily) and our pets at home that she used to take care of. Finally in October, she asked to move out for two weeks because "her head wasn't right." I agreed that it would probably be best since she wasn't home that often any more. All I asked was that she go and see a counselor if she couldn't come back after 2 weeks. After 4 weeks away she finally agreed to see a mental health professional since she still couldn't come home. She says the house stressed her out. I set an appointment for her to see a doctor which she says she spoke to. After the appointment, she said the doctor said she had "situational depression" and should go ahead a get a divorce to relieve the stress. I found this hard to believe but could not longer deal with her. In November 2003, a few days after going to this doctor she moved in with one of her male friends from work to be his roommate. Our divorce was final 2 months later. I found out later she was not taking all of the trips with her girlfriend but with the two male co-workers.

After 8 straight weekends of non-stop trips (mainly sky-diving), suddenly she doesn't want to take any more trips but just stay at home.

In a nutshell, our relationship came down like a deck of cards and I'm trying to figure out why. I talked to her parents and they both agreed she had "changed." We are still on good terms. My and my ex still talk weekly by e-mail and sometimes by phone but she is still having problems. She's been gaining weight, racking up debt on her credit cards, and is having constant health problems like stomachaches, headaches, her hair is turning grey, etc. She constantly complains how she now hates her job, her male roommate, and is constantly in a "funk." Furthermore, she cannot remember anything and has trouble concentrating. I can tell her something and she forgets about it the next day.

My predicament is that I still love this woman very much and I feel like I let her down by not being there for her but I just couldn't deal with the irrational behavior. Before the divorce I asked her if that was really what she wanted and she said no. "it's just the house." Any suggestions on me giving her support or what it is she's going through? She's so much different than the person I knew for 5 1/2 years it's scary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:21pm

Welcome, Talltx, to our board.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:11pm
welcome to the board. to me it does not sound just like situational depression. my ex husband did all of the same things, and he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. when he 'ran away' from home, leaving our life behind, spending money, doing all these things he never wanted to do before, etc the counselor said he was on a manic episode. he was prescribed medication, but he chose to stop taking it. i don't know if it would have helped or not. also, i have never encountered a therapist who would recommend a divorce to relieve stress. ours said not to make any big changes, etc until things settled down some, so as not to make a rash decision. i wish you the best of luck. good for you to care so much about an ex. shows you are the bigger person. best wishes. ~s