new developments tonight
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new developments tonight
| Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:42am |
my lease is up in may and i have to sign a new one, so i wanted to talk to my boyfriend- we've been dating 7 months and definitely talk about future plans. so i asked him what he thought about me signing a year lease (meaning- do you want to wait over a year before we make more plans...) and he has no clue what i am talking about, then has this nice talk with me about how he wants to do all of that with me but he is in no hurry. he has always told me that he will get to a certain place if we take things slow and he always does. he said tonight that he wants to be with me forever, but he doesn't want to move in together in the next year. he wants to make partner in his firm before he starts doing stuff- which could take a few years i know! i had such a rollercoaster of emotions- i was sad and felt rejected that he doesn't want to move more quickly. then i was so happy that he was so sure of marrying me some day. then i would go back to feeling like i needed to put a wall up so he can't hurt me. it is really hard for me with guys sometimes- you guys know all of the issues with my dad. i don't know how good relationships work- i don't know how long is good, how long is bad (i know it is individual, but some idea!). all i know is that i am in love and i don't feel like hitting pause i feel like- at least in the next year- moving forward. i guess i am just being silly because we are always getting closer and moving forward. maybe i just feel rejected even though i'm really not. it is hard for me to trust guys, and i trust him, but my own mind is going crazy and double thinking itself.
he was saying sweet stuff about how he wants me to do great things in my life and career and he wants me to have my freedom to do that. but i feel like i have pressure to do be this super successful happy girl for him as well as me now (even though he tried to say that's not true). i know this is a weird post. i am happy, but sad, scared and excited. i felt like you guys would understand this. it's like the fairy tale life is so close, and not getting it yet is like fear that the bubble will burst. ok girls, what do you think?

I think your boyfriend is smart to take time. I wish I had taken more time with my ex-husband (obviously). My current dh was ready to move in together after we'd been together about a year, but I wasn't ready. I was ready about 9 months later. For me, it was a big deal to merge lives with someone since I'd only been divorced a year and a half. I just wanted to keep a sense of my own space, even though I was always at his place. It meant a lot to me to know I had my place to go back to, though I rarely did go back.
Your boyfriend is also smart to encourage you to keep focusing on making something for yourself. Since you are going through a transition right now, it's easy to want to keep merging with him and ground your sense of security in him. But nothing is guaranteed. I know that's hard to hear. It's always hard for me to deal with. You never know if you yourself my want to not be with him sometime in the future. You know that can happen. It's important for you to have that opening for yourself, to have that sense of yourself.
I know that sense that you have about committing to a whole year's lease. That is pretty long. But I've seen people who move in prematurely because of living situation pressure have a tough time of it. Like you said, every situation is different, but if this is his pace, then that's the right pace.
I'm glad that he sees you together in the future. It sounds like that is what you want, too. I think that we all want to have those safety nets after not having love for so long. The other day I freaked out and was sure that my dh was going to come home and be sick of me because of all the whining I've been doing about my ex-boyfriend's new baby, blah blah. He wasn't sick of me when he got home, but I was sure that he would be at his end. Luckily, the man is a saint. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I'm super grateful for it.
Relationships that have reasonable expectations and solid foundations have more longevity. Other than that, the biggest predictor of longevity is not blaming each other for things or putting each other down. People who put each other down in little snippy ways or big abusive ways have the highest divorce rate. Interesting, huh? So being kind to each other is the most important thing to pay attention to.
Hope that isn't too vague an answer.
Take Care,
MariaC
Pamela
((((((((Honey)))))))), I am just so happy for you that you are in this awesome relationship.
The author Scott Peck wrote a book called The Road Less Travelled which has a whole section on Love.
maria, you always give me the best relationship advice! you are totally right and i just needed to hear that. you are so the big sister i never had- you rock! i don't know what i would do without you.
pamela, thank you so much for writing and being so supportive. i know you are having a tough time right now, and it is so sweet of you to still be there for me.
barbara, you are amazing. you are always there to answer my posts with something great. i love that book the road less traveled. you reminded me to read through it again. that poem was great- i don't know how you found such relevant helpful stuff! thank you so much!!!
Hey hun,
Well I just wanted to give ya some support and know that I am thinking of you.
I think that you should listen to what the boyfriend is saying (not that you are not listening, because I know that you are)He is being great this is a first for me to hear of a guy wanting to take things slow and who is supportive of you and what you need and want to do in and with your life, he really does love you it is so apparent in your posts.
I think that you should sign a year lease that way you have your space and he has his and you have your sense of independance.
Enjoy the relationship I am happy to hear that he thinks of you in his future and he wants to spend a lifetime with you, you and him are BOTH lucky to have one another live in the moment with him and just love one another.
Erin