New..what's wrong with me? (?triggers?)
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| Fri, 03-12-2004 - 3:33pm |
Some days I am just fine. But, lately, I've been feeling so lost and empty. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. My job made me feel useful. My situation now makes me feel useless. My boyfriend is a wonderful man, and loves me and my boys. Our relationship is good and loving. Sometimes he says he misses the confident person I used to be... before we moved here. I miss that person, too... but I don't know how to get that person back. About a year ago, I decided to take a sign language class, just to do something for *me*. Well... soon after the war started and he was deployed, so I had to bring my kids with me to the classes. That is one of the problems, I can't commit myself to anything because he could leave at any moment, and I would need a babysitter. Sometimes I feel so trapped and isolated. I feel bad and guilty any time I want time to myself. My boyfriend doesn't make me feel this way, he is very supportive... I just make myself feel this way. I feel like I should be totally fulfilled being a stay at home mom. But I'm not. I feel bad for looking forward to when my kids are a little bit older (they are 9 and 11 now), so I can do something for myself. Shouldn't I be cherishing every moment with them??
I just want to find myself. I am looking forward to moving to our next station (should be next year sometime, but I don't know where), so I can possibly put the kids back in school, and get a job, and feel like I'm actually doing something important. I KNOW that homeschooling the kids, and spending time with them is important, but I just don't FEEL like that. Somewhere deep down, I am more than a mom... I need to find that. I NEED to. But how??
I've been tossing the idea around of seeing my doctor. One problem is that I am on low income insurance, so I just have a feeling that they would put me on a med, and that would be it. I'm all for being put on a med, but I don't think that will really fix my problem. Of course, maybe just being happy will help?
Sorry if this is terribly confusing! I just kinda don't know what to do!
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me..
TL

A new job
A new home
A divorce
Major illness
There are many more than that, but those are what I can remember right now. It's no wonder you're feeling down in the dumps. You've uprooted yourself and your family and left everything familiar and comfortable behind. Making one change would be difficult enough, but it sounds to me like you've won the lottery. Can you get a part-time job to help make yourself feel a little more self sufficient? Even a part-time job from home. Selling Avon? Something as a first step. Baby steps. You need to find your confident self again, but it will take small, attainable goals. Baby steps. Do you have a minister or priest you can talk to? Earlier, someone suggested Catholic Charities. Do you have that availability in your area?
I wish you all the very best.